One of the things that we’ve learned through this marriage ministry with regard to a wife’s issues is that 90% of them will disappear as a husband brings healing to a wife and whatever are left over she will work through with God. I was able to experience what this looks like this past Friday.
Earlier in the day I had watched a video collage of our wedding pictures and while they’re quite lovely and it was bittersweet to see Jack & Evan looking so young (they were 4 & 3 at the time), I found myself filled with hurt and anger over what should have been and the reality of what was. You see, there were two men in the wedding party that Michael had accused me of having sex with and one of them was the officiate. Yes, it was that crazy. I’ve shied away from watching any part of our wedding ceremony because this is still a very sensitive area for me and I didn’t realize how much until I was actually looking at it.
Michael watched the last part of it with me and didn’t get up and leave when I turned it off with tears in my eyes and angrily told him how hurt I still was over everything. He listened, held me, cried with me, apologized…everything he should do and, I know, was everything he genuinely wants to be (and is committed to being) for me. He’s also had the opportunity twice since then to speak with two husbands and use this situation with them as learning (for him) and teaching moments for them in how they can bring healing to their own wives.
So herein lies the part of the 10% of issues that I have the need to go to God with and ask him to check my heart in: my trust towards Michael and the healing he’s been bringing to me since he’s started winning my heart and laying his life down for me; my trust in God with Michael’s heart and motives and commitment to this process and that he will never, NEVER, go there again with me in any way, shape or form (which, to my knowledge, he hasn’t). And so I pray, “Lord, I’m angry; deliver me from my anger. Lord, I trust You; forgive my mistrust. Lord, I forgive; help me in my unforgiveness.”
Do I still have my issues? I must truthfully answer with a resounding, “YES!” In fact, I was just speaking about this with a friend of mine who writes an amazing blog called 40 Days of Worship (you should check it out). My list was longer than I care to admit and while I know that God is working on me to get my act together, it’s a damn painful process at times. I also find myself extremely thankful that He continues to give me a husband who is willing and able to be the man I need him to be as he grows in Christ alongside me each day.
Earlier in the day I had watched a video collage of our wedding pictures and while they’re quite lovely and it was bittersweet to see Jack & Evan looking so young (they were 4 & 3 at the time), I found myself filled with hurt and anger over what should have been and the reality of what was. You see, there were two men in the wedding party that Michael had accused me of having sex with and one of them was the officiate. Yes, it was that crazy. I’ve shied away from watching any part of our wedding ceremony because this is still a very sensitive area for me and I didn’t realize how much until I was actually looking at it.
Michael watched the last part of it with me and didn’t get up and leave when I turned it off with tears in my eyes and angrily told him how hurt I still was over everything. He listened, held me, cried with me, apologized…everything he should do and, I know, was everything he genuinely wants to be (and is committed to being) for me. He’s also had the opportunity twice since then to speak with two husbands and use this situation with them as learning (for him) and teaching moments for them in how they can bring healing to their own wives.
So herein lies the part of the 10% of issues that I have the need to go to God with and ask him to check my heart in: my trust towards Michael and the healing he’s been bringing to me since he’s started winning my heart and laying his life down for me; my trust in God with Michael’s heart and motives and commitment to this process and that he will never, NEVER, go there again with me in any way, shape or form (which, to my knowledge, he hasn’t). And so I pray, “Lord, I’m angry; deliver me from my anger. Lord, I trust You; forgive my mistrust. Lord, I forgive; help me in my unforgiveness.”
Do I still have my issues? I must truthfully answer with a resounding, “YES!” In fact, I was just speaking about this with a friend of mine who writes an amazing blog called 40 Days of Worship (you should check it out). My list was longer than I care to admit and while I know that God is working on me to get my act together, it’s a damn painful process at times. I also find myself extremely thankful that He continues to give me a husband who is willing and able to be the man I need him to be as he grows in Christ alongside me each day.
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