His 10% is Her 90%

There's a place in the heart of every wife that needs to be fulfilled in a very specific way and that wife will look to her husband to touch that place, cherish it, validate it and help it to flourish. It's her 90%. When he doesn't, everything else that he does for her, while appreciated, becomes her 10% ~ secondary to this need within her.

Now, I know that we (as believers) can and should look to Christ to fulfill all of our needs; and He will. I also know that in a Christian marriage, God calls a husband to represent Christ to his wife by loving her unconditionally and laying his life down for her, just as Christ did for the church. The thing is, many of these same men will do just enough to look like a good, godly, Christian man/husband and only give what they want to or what they're comfortable giving and expect their wife to be okay with that. And the crazy thing is that he knows (that he knows, that he knows) what her 90% is but won't give it to her. Chalk it up to pride, ego...whatever.

Today we give some insight into this dynamic and an example of what it looks like lived out.

We sure do hope you'll join us this evening on our weekly marriage ministry call (dial in information is in the sidebar to your right) and if you have any comments or questions, be sure to leave them at the end of this post or send us an email yourmarriagerestored@gmail.com

Remember, if we can do it...You Can Do It Too!

I Couldn't Have Said It Better...

We love receiving everyone's comments to the posts on our blog and every now and then, we get one that deserves it's own post; what follows is such a comment that was left on my post entitled As Wise As Solomon . The woman who wrote it, Kimberly, is also involved in the same ministry that we are and is currently living a restored marriage with her husband, Joshua (look for their story in an upcoming Testimony Tuesday). We haven't yet spoken with Joshua but we have spoken quite a bit with Kimberly and we just think she's AWSOME and, as you'll read, is clearly in touch with God's heart. She blesses so many in this ministry and we're sure you'll be blessed by her too!

The importance of a husband listening to a wife is based in the heart of God. One of the best ways to get to the very heart of an issue is to ask a question.

Looking throughout Scripture we know God wants His bride to ask of Him and bring every question and care. God asks every human heart at some point in their lives...no matter how it may come, what each person will do with eternity.(?)

Remember God asks us very penetrating questions also. Jesus asked Peter the most profound question ever recorded...and asks this same question of every human being..."Who do you say that I am?" Are you to say to God...you are "bothering" me with your incessant questions? John the Baptist asked Christ..."Are YOU the one?" This answer to his fearful heart, at his moment of death kept him grounded in the truth that the Kingdom had gloriously come. This great man of God faced being beheaded with knowing he met God face to face.

God Himself birthed in man the gift of wondering. God tells us that He loves our questions and that He will show us mysteries and secrets...this kind of deep relationship only comes by asking...a desire to know....a longing to have the right answer. To hunger and thirst for God.

Job, was questioned by God in his darkest hour. Jesus' disciples constantly asked Jesus questions about His kingdom. It is in His own nature. "Who is like unto our God?" "Who can compare to Him?" These are questions that comfort us and bolster our very faith.

To say a wife is "bothering" her husband just because she needs or wants an answer to something is in reality disregarding her and saying that you are disinterested in her heart.
Questions to a husband are in reality the heart of his wife reaching out to connect. To be reassured that she matters. Much in the same way as Christ's Bride we reach out to God to connect and at times want His strength and comfort. We desire to know if our souls are well and in intimacy with Him.

All from a question....the right answer or response can change a life. Asking the right question can as equally open up in us a profound knowing something that we could not know any other way.

Often in life it is not the answer we are looking for it is that we are heard. In the vast unknowing someone is listening.....

As Wise As Solomon

“The failed solution offered by a vast array of books written to women is to caution a wife to be very careful about asking questions of her husband. Her questions convey disrespect to him and no man wants to be disrespected.” Joel & Kathy Davisson

I recently read a Twitter remark by someone that was along the lines of marriage and men: What He Wish You Knew -- It really bothers him when you question him and argue all the time, talk don't confront!

I almost spit out the sip of coffee I’d just taken! This is one of the most childish and enabling comments I’ve ever read on the subject and the thing is, just a couple of years ago I would have adhered to it. Listen up guys and gals…this is not biblical! This is ego-lical!

Take a look at King Solomon’s interaction with the Queen of Sheba – the ultimate Q & A:

Now when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of
Solomon concerning the name of the Lord, she
came to test him with hard questions.

She came to Jerusalem with a very great
retinue, with camels that bore spices,
very much gold, and precious stones;
…and when she came to Solomon, she spoke
with him about all that was in her heart.

So Solomon answered all her questions;
there was nothing so difficult for the king that he
could not explain it to her.

How did the queen respond to Solomon in this? Not by arguing with him, I can tell you that! No….she responded with praise and gifts the like of which have never been seen since! And not because he “needed” it either ~ it was a genuinely organic response from her because he made her a priority, listened to her and patiently answered her questions. And then, Solomon gave gifts back to her:

“…all she desired, whatever she
asked, besides what Solomon had given
her according to the royal generosity.”

There’s a beautiful pattern here. A wife comes to her husband with questions. He listens to her heart and answers ALL of her questions. Now he’s earned his wife’s respect and she gives him everything.

In a nutshell: a real man earns his wife’s respect because he loves her so much. He becomes more like Christ every day. This is real living. This is real manhood. A woman cannot help but to admire and respect this man. No one has to tell her to.

He Never Listens

There was a time when I seriously considered buying my q-tips from Costco so that I could get them IN BULK! I envisioned embarking on this endeavor in the hope that my husband would clean all the gunk from his ears (and there was a lot hence, the BULK part of my story) so that he would be able to hear what I had to say because surely that was part of the problem. It wasn't that he didn't want to listen to me, it was that he couldn't. I mean, isn't that right?

For years I talked and talked until my throat was raw and my husband just never got what I was feeling or needing from him. In fact, as soon as I opened my mouth he would shut down; turn on the television, walk into another room (forcing me to follow him), fall asleep, turn the conversation around to make it about him, think about something that had nothing to do with what I was saying or, even worse, say something like, "I don't want to talk about this right now!" (exclamation mark intended). I'm telling you he never heard me, never listened to what I was really saying, never validated my heart. I remember always feeling so bereft of any emotional connection with him which he would turn back on me by saying that I wasn't emotionally committed to our relationship.

Oy! I'm so very glad that we're not there anymore!

A good Christian husband listens to his wife when she talks to him. If he doesn't understand what she's saying, he lets her know and asks that she please explain it to him again. He stays present in the conversation, maybe even holds her hand or brushes her hair over her ear while she's talking. He focuses on her and the words she's speaking. He even takes an interest in her life by asking her questions. Whoa!

And I tell you what, something magical happens when a husband listens to his wife. She feels cherished and validated. She feels like her husband loves her and falls more deeply in love with him. She begins to respond positively to her husband because her heart feels safe with him. She wants to get closer to him; even physically closer.

Here's something interesting. The Chinese character, ting, which represents the verb “to listen" is significant in that it explains the difference between simply hearing and truly listening. It integrates representations of not only our ears, but of our eyes, our heart and the selfless act of undivided attention.

Men of God, your Lord gave you two ears. Begin to really listen to your wife.