When He's Not Responding The Way You're Told He Will...

I was visiting Sheila Gregoire's blog today ~ To Love, Honor and Vacuum ~ because every Wednesday she does a little something special with regards to marriage called "Wifey Wednesday" (kinda like our Wellness Wednesday posts) and while I was checking out the responses to what she'd written, I stumbled upon a comment left on another blog that made me prick up my ears....or...er...I guess that would be my eyes.

Anyway, it was this part of a specific comment really resonated with me and I wanted to address it today.

"Stating that it’s a wife’s job to make clear (as in understood by the man) that he IS valuable and safe with her can place a tremendous amount of stress when she’s following all the prescribed rules of wifely behavior and he still doesn’t respond the way she’s told he will."

IMHO, this is the very reason why the word 'submission' imparts an immediate (proverbial) punch to the stomach for so many woman. for so long, the church and books and women's bible studies, etc. have taught wives to have a quiet and gentle spirit towards their husbands, submit to their authority over her, and be sure you have sex with him whenever he wants because 'your body is not your own'.

If this worked, then I daresay the divorce rate within the church would be a lot lower.

In the context of marriage, there's no where in the bible that a wife is called to unconditionally love (agape) her husband or to lay down her life for him; that's a husband's role towards his wife. A husband is called to be many things for his wife and then she's called to respect him and with respect comes submission. And when a husband is fully submitted to God and to his wife, it's an organic response for his wife to be submitted to him and God as well. He needs to go first, though - not the wife. He is a source of life for her just as Adam was a source of life (literally) for Eve.

We once heard someone ask this question: "What would make a bigger difference in the furthering of God's kingdom - 10,000 evangelical events or 10,000 husbands loving their wives with a Christ-like love?"

Powerful!

And this is why: Michael loves me whether I deserve to be loved or not. Unconditionally. I don't always have to be on my game for him or only talk with him about an issue when he's in a good mood; he lives with me in understanding. I'm a proverbs 31 wife because I have a proverbs 31 husband (yep, he's there and I encourage you to reread that proverb with fresh eyes). I respect Michael and am submitted to God and him because he lives his life respectably and in submission to God and me. He pursues me every day as a groom pursues his bride and we are completely safe places for one another.

Husbands, Be Like Jesus

For the next several weeks, the Testimony Tuesday posts will be excerpts taken from Joel and Kathy Davisson's God Save My Marriage Forum. Much of what is written over there and the stories of other Christian couples working to get their marriages restored is really amazing and we encourage you to check it out, get registered (it's free) and start a thread of your own story. You will find much help and gain a lot of knowledge and support from the moderators (including Michael and me), Joel and Kathy, and other husbands and wives learning how to have an Outrageously Happy Marriage!

Today we give you a post from Pure In Heart (her forum name) who is a prolific poster on the boards and who's own story of a restored marriage is nothing short of amazing! Remember, the core message of this ministry is a husband going first to win his bride just as Christ (the husband) went first to win us (the bride).

God is clear about His design for marriage. It is actually so simple and yet profound. It is uncluttered with rules and regulations and only develops our relationship skills, so that, not only are both valued and loved but we know God in deeper ways because of it.

That to me is heaven on earth. It is that sublime picture of salvation. In the midst of many religious thoughts and systems there is ONE that is unique and uncommon among all the other gods. It is God's truest picture of love. God wanted a bride and a family to love. He sent a bridegroom to die, so that, in light of the revelation of that love, her heart would respond to His sacrifice for her.

God came to her. She did not first come to Him. He died for her...she did not die for God.

His sacrifice was so far-reaching and His love so perfect it would heal her and make her whole without any flaw or noticeable defect. She would be washed and holy and blameless. Her heart would freely respond, not out of obligation or sense of duty or fear but because she must love Him back.

She was never forced or demanded to love. No conditions. No earning it. She was not threatened or bruised in spirit to make her submit to His will and purpose, she wanted to, as He made her secure and safe. He could be trusted; after all, He willingly proved it with His own life.

Husbands, Be like Jesus...

Remember to join us tonight at 7pm (pst) for our weekly marriage ministry call. 512-716-6531 access code is 981128#. You can just mute your phone out and listen in or speak up, introduce yourself (you may use a fake name if it makes you more comfortable, many people use their forum names) and ask us a question or get some specific help for your marriage. These calls can be very raw and emotional at times and are a great way to get started moving forward.

Remember, if we can do it....You Can Do It Too!

Make Her Smile

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to make things...I believe "crafting" is the popular term these days and I do enjoy it immensely. I don't partake of every craft that's out there though I'm an avid knitter and have tried my hand at sewing, jewelry making, embelishing, scrapbooking and a few others. My dream is to one day have my own room in the house dedicated just for this very thing. Sigh.....

Of course, there's a whole world out there for people who like to craft and I love to check out various blogs and websites of others who share my passion and let me tell you...there are some amazingly gifted people out there! One of the really fun things I came across not long ago was a site that allows crafters to set up swaps for various hand made items which others of a like mind can participate in. It's super fun and not limited to a single type of craft. One of the most fun swaps that comes up from time to time is a "Smile Package" swap. Basically, one goes to the profile of the person who's been assigned to them and picks a variety of items from this, wraps them up and sends them out. Thus, the receiver "smiles" when she opens the package finding it filled with fun things that she absolutely loves!

I'm telling you it's so fun to get something like this in the mail! And...I think it's a great way for a husband to gain ideas from his wife of those little specialty items that she really wants but doesn't necessarily get for herself. So, listen up guys, I've come up with a list of ideas which you can give to your wife and ask her to add to. Tell her there's no right or wrong, no limit, nothing too silly or too serious. When she gives it back to you, refer to it each week and bless your wife with something from her list. You can mail it to her or give it to her personally. You can put 3-5 things together and give her a bigger "Smile Package" once a month (still remembering to give her a weekly gift, of course that does or does not come from this list) or give her something from it each week.

So, here are the ideas I came up with. Feel free to add another item as you think of it and then present it to your wife to fill out. And be sure to give it to her in a pretty way...nice paper, nice writing, as a scroll, in a card....you get the idea.

Favorite Music/Musician(s)

Favorite Books/Magazines (include favorite kinds too, i.e., cookbooks, craft books, design, etc.)

Favorite Television Programs

Favorite Stores

Gold/Silver/Both

Favorite Accessories

Favorite Scents/Perfume

Favorite Makeup

Favorite Movies

Favorite Crafts

Favorite Snacks

Coffee/Tea/Both (flavors?/blends?/brands?)

Likes

Dislikes

I would absolutely love to see what the answers are for our readers. In fact, if you send your answers to us in the comments section, I will chose someone by January 25th to send a "Smile Package" to by the end of the month.

You'll love it!

And guys, your wife will love it too so hop to it!

The Answer Is Right Before Your Eyes

Passion

Sharing

Love

Loneliness

Companionship

Faith

Vulnerability

Hope

All reasons Michael and I began a relationship with one another 7 years ago. Were they the right reasons? It seemed so at the time. Looking back, however, we see now that while well intentioned, those reasons backfired almost from the get-go because they weren't centered around what God desired for our relationship; they were centerend around our own desires of we thought we needed.

Early in my life I (Michael) reconized my need for a Savior. This came about mainly because of the instability in the home I grew up in; my father and step-father were prime examples of how not to do marriage and fatherhood. I made a childhood vow that I would learn how to love and be a good husband and father from Jesus. After all, He is the author of love and so becoming like Him became my life's passion. When I started dating Annalea, my desire was to pursue her passionately, only I wasn't aware of how to do so in a way that would touch her heart in a positive way. I simply thought that passion in and of it self was more than enough to win her over.

Let me back track a bit. Before I met Annalea I did a lot of self work to prepare myself for the possibility of marriage. During that time I asked God to heal me of all my junk; I read numerous books on relationships and marriage; I went to and volunteered in small groups that promoted Christian maturity and manhood. When it was over I believed I was ready and so when I met Annalea and started dating her I wrote long love letters proclaiming that I would do anything for her. I would buy random gifts that would represent some aspect of our relationship. I would take her on romantic dates.

With me doing all this I thought we would be passionately in love but it didn't work the way I thought it should. Why? Because I was loving her under my terms, even if on the surface it appeared to be good there were always underlying conditions and when she didn't respond the way I wanted her to or thought she should my insecurity would raise it's ugly head and Annalea's heart, along with our relationship, would suffer the consequences.

The following question begs to be asked: If I'm loving my wife who decides if it's in a way that she needs? If I decide then it's conditional and on my terms. If she decides and I recieve what she thinks and feels then she can freely live out her thoughts and feelings in our marriage...with me. Self work aside, my woundedness still showed up in our marriage. Initially, I thought my marriage created problems; what was really happening was that problems within me were being revealed.

Here's the amazing thing though ~ the answer to my pursuit of becoming more Christlike, to being a great husband and father, was right before my eyes. It was my wife!

Guys...the same answer is before your eyes too. The shift in your heart will come when you realize that you're not loving your wife with a Christlike love. Christ doesn't love half-heartedly or blame shift or demand a response or any of this craziness. Make a decision today to truly win your wife's heart and to allow any negative stuff in your belief system and heart to die off.

Remember, if I can do it...You Can Do It Too!

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted

I love our children.

I really do.

We just got back from a family vacation (see above for the view from our room) a few hours ago and while we were only gone for two days (count ‘em…just two), I can honestly tell you that I can happily wait until next year to do it again. The kids are just SO busy; the word RELAX is not on their radar or in their vocabulary. Plus, I’m now extremely aware of just how much Michael and I need to get away by ourselves; even if it’s just overnight (and NOT filled with activities that don’t include spa treatments, shopping, succulent foods, delicious wine and much lovemaking).

I once knew a woman who shared with us that she and her husband made a point of getting away together for a couple of days every six weeks! I am SO on board with that ~ let me tell you! And I’m determined to make it happen!

Time together for a husband and wife is vitally important; time alone together even more so. I want to encourage you both to make this a priority in your marriage. Guys, this is mainly up to you in the beginning of restoring your marriage because your wife needs you to pursue her in a positive way.

So get to booking that romantic (and relaxing) weekend for two!

Pursuing Your Wife

In this ministry, we often speak about a husband positively pursuing his wife. This is vitally important in a marriage and shouldn’t stop just because the two are no longer in a dating relationship; courtship should continue always. When a husband and wife are no longer together however ~ whether because of separation or divorce ~ his positive pursuit towards a restored relationship with her becomes crucial in winning her heart.

Today I wanted to share a response to a question that was posted in the men’s section of the ministry forum. This man is divorced from his wife and was positively pursing her for a time. He then stopped because she asked him to and now she’s more hurt and angry with him then she was before.


Last night was really good for me to hear. The moderator lady (not sure who she is) was talking about the pain a woman goes through when her husband stops pursuing her...even when she's pushed him away or told him to stop pursuing her. Still trying to get my heart around that one. Can anyone help explain that a bit more?

Pursuing: what we mean here is to consciously and consistently do things for her that she appreciates. So if you are sending weekly love poems and she says, "I hate these poems, they make me so mad I want to puke!" Then stop sending the love poems and find something she does appreciate. Pursuing involves active listening and watching for her cues as to what she is comfortable with. Sometime just out of the blue buy some groceries for her and the girls and leave them at her house with a note saying, "just thinking about you and the girls when I was at the store and thought I would save you an extra trip." Some gesture of kindness that you know that she will appreciate. If she says, "Why did you do this?", you just say, "Because I care about you and our girls." She might appreciate a side hug from you from time to time, but be offended if you try to hold her hand...so give her a side hug from time to time. She might be enraged if you send her flowers because you never sent them when you were married, but she loves coffee and would welcome a Starbuck's gift card.

Sometimes guys say, “I know she likes chocolate" so they send her chocolate 52 weeks in a row and she says, "ENOUGH WITH THE CHOCOLATE ALREADY!!!!!!" and they say, "I guess this pursuing thing that J&K recommend doesn't work so well...." No the J&K thing works very well because they encourage you to listen to her heart and meet her expressed needs. If all she will allow you to do for her is to wash her car once every other week, then do that with all that you have and make her car the cleanest car in town.

Most of the times that I am aware of that the wife says, "stop", is because she is uncomfortable with the romantic overtones of the pursuit, i.e. a side hug is for friends, holding hands is romantic so she says, "stop trying to hold my hand, it is over!" And our hero husband says, "She said it is over and doesn't want me to pursue her anymore." The point is that she isn't saying, "I wish you would just stop doing things that I appreciate", she is saying "I am uncomfortable with what you are doing so please stop doing _____" (you fill in the blank).

This pursuit requires that you listen to her heart, observe her mood and speak and act in ways that she appreciates. If you continually strive to do this she will notice, she will appreciate it (even if she doesn't verbalize or write that to you) and over time if you persist she will recognize that it is a real change of heart. When she believes that the change is real, lasting and a heart level change she may begin to open up more of her heart and let you meet more of her needs and this can then lead to a more romantic pursuit and in time a complete restoration and healing in the marriage relationship.



So pursue her and don't stop pursuing her and if she says "stop", then stop doing whatever you’re doing that’s making her feel uncomfortable and try something else.



Just wanted to add this ~ there’s no time frame on how long it takes for a woman to respond warmly to her husband's positive pursuit of her. Often, it will depend on the level of hurt he’s brought to her heart throughout the relationship (adultery, pornography, self gratification, verbal/emotional/physical/spiritual/financial abuse, etc.). At a minimum though, he should be willing to committ to at least two years of positively pursing her (and include the children should there be any remembering, though, that his wife comes first).