Words With God...

I think that many of us could look back over our lives thus far and find some reasons to not trust God and, probably, there's one really big reason somewhere in there. I know there is for me and it wasn't what I thought it was; at least, not exactly. It was deep though. Buried beneath so many years of guilt and shame and the whole 'honor thy father and mother' commandment that I dared not think it let alone speak it.

Just a few pages into a new book this evening (Women Food God) and a brief conversation with Michael and I was in tears...wailing...over a hurt that runs so deep I've done nothing but run from it since the day it was inflicted. I thought I'd dealt with it and to some extent that's true. Mostly though I've molded myself into someone I'm not sure that I was ever meant to be or, at the very least, someone that I had to be so that I could just...survive. You know how you can remember an event and there's what actually happened and what you believed happened? And Satan is such an exquisite liar that what you believe begins to make sense...to become your truth.

I just lay there crying in Michael's lap while I had words with God about it all. No holds barred words. I don't trust You words. You did leave me. You did forsake me. How could You have let this happen? Where were You? Is this seriously the good plan You had for me? You knew this would happen!!! Why didn't You stop it???

As a rule, this isn't the way I speak to God. I'm mostly gracious and careful, sometimes distracted, always polite. Tonight I didn't care. Tonight my heart was in my throat and I had to speak or choke on my own words. And I didn't get wrath or the cold shoulder or condemnation. I got...comfort. Not in words. I didn't want words. I didn't need words; I'd said enough of my own. It came in the touch of Michael's hand rubbing my back and smoothing the hair from my face. And with his touch the realization that God was using him to comfort me, to sooth me, to ease my pain and reassure me of His love for me. Insert deep wobbly breath here.

I know that there's still more to process and that there will still be more conversations and tears and ups and downs and while all that makes me feel unsteady on my feet, of these three things I'm absolutely sure: that resisting the pain hurts more than the pain itself, that I have an incredible husband who doesn't run away when I'm hurting and that God hears all of my words and He sees me.

He sees me.

Venus At A Mirror...

If you're one of my Facebook friends you may have read my recent little update where I lamented the thickness of my waistline and my difficulty in finding something to wear:

"so i was out clothes shopping today and ended up completely frustrated and empty-handed. everything i tried on looked awful and every look in the mirror was just a reminder of how much i need to lose weight. i was going to get myself a pair of spanks but the line was too long and i didn't feel like waiting. ugh...."

A girlfriend that I went to high school with left the following comment: "Spring is coming. We are programmed to store extra weight to survive the winter. We survived. We just need to walk around a bit when it gets warmer. when I feel icky, I look at paintings by Rubens or Titian. You are so gorgeous, be healthy, but don't let the skinny trend of this century get you down."

So I went on a search which turned up the following image breathed a sigh of relief...

Venus At A Mirror
Sir Peter Paul Rubens
17th century Flemish painter
proponent of an extravagant Baroque style that
emphasized movement, color and sensuality.

movement...color....sensuality....(and full figured women) emphasized...

On the complete flip side is one of the newest reality shows called Bridalplasty where brides-to-be compete in challenges to earn plastic-surgery procedures in a quest to win their ultimate dream wedding.

What?!?

cutting....tucking....smoothing....nipping....enhancing....shrinking....

I'm sure that I don't need to tell you how lovely all of the participants were having no need for any kind of surgical procedure to enhance their beauty. It made me sad to think that somewhere in their life they came to believe ~ either by themselves or others ~ that how they looked wasn't good enough.

I tell myself the same thing. I don't know why. I have the body of venus at a mirror and want to be at least 40 pounds lighter. I have a husband who tells me every day that I'm gorgeous and sexy and beautiful; he tells me how attracted he is to me and shows me with his body almost every night. I know I'm blessed in this. Still, those thoughts creep in and wait...did you read what I just wrote?

"I have the body of Venus"

I have the body of Venus!

well....what d'ya know?