Apologizing From The Heart...

We had an awesome Intensive last week! Thanks to all of you who were praying for the couples who attended and us ~ we definitely felt it! As we always do after an Intensive, Michael and I tucked into each other's hearts, rested, spent time with our children, played ~ I got to do some crafting which you can check out here ~ and generally...regrouped. We're good to go now!

For Testimony Tuesday, we wanted to talk about apologizing from the heart and the role this plays in getting a restored marriage. If you've ever apologized to someone just so that you could go back and say, "I said I was sorry," or to cover your own pain & shame so that you could hurry up and move on or, and this is a big one, just because you got caught; then you've only apologized to make yourself feel better, not the person you've hurt.

In marriage restoration, apologizing from the heart is huge and something that really needs to take place in order for healing and closure to be present. This week, we talk about what that looks like, what it means, and how to do it. And remember guys, as initiators, it begins with you.

We hope to have you join us on our ministry call this evening (info is to the right on the sidebar) and be sure to let us know that you're listening in. We'd love to connect with you!

An Overdue Apology

The growth in Michael's character over the last three years ~ as a believer and as a husband ~ has been tremendous. As we've walked out our marriage restoration together, this change in him has fostered a deep trust and vulnerability that not only serves to strengthen our relationship, it's also created safety, great love and oneness between the two of us.

You may remember that we just finished a Marriage Intensive a week ago. It was during this time ~ in conversation with one of the couples ~ that a memory came up for me from our bad days; a time when Michael had falsely accused me of inappropriate behavior with a dear friend. I'd been deeply hurt by him over that event (as had my friend and his wife) and it was the first time in our relationship that Michael had made a false accusation of me which was a foreshadow of things to come for us.

I think that because these kinds of accusations continued and worsened over the years, the incredulity of the first time lessened a bit though the relationship between my friends and myself definitely suffered and it was sad for all of us. Where it had once been extremely close, it changed and became very fragile and...careful.

So, here we were ~ at the Intensive ~ and in the course of conversation this particular incident came up and Michael realized that he would have a chance to apologize to my friend in person (no less) because he was going to be in California visiting with another friend (these guys were my late husband's best friends) and they were going to visit with us during our vacation.

It was awesome. Michael greeted both guys warmly and with an openness and a trust that I can SO tell you he never had in our bad days. During the course of their time with us, he took the opportunity to humbly and sincerely apologize for his actions all those years ago. He made it clear that he didn't expect anything in return, even forgiveness; he just wanted them to know that he was deeply sorry.

This may be a bit confusing as I started off mentioning one guy and now Michael's apologizing to two. The one he apologized to for the accusation, the two he apologized to because he knows of their love and friendship towards my late husband and their concern over how Michael had treated me in the past. Got it?

All this to say that we continue to have times of restoration as we walk this out and that it's moments like this that make it all worth it; for my heart, for Michael's heart and for the hearts of others.

And to that I say, "Amen!"

A Great Apology!

One of the things we do at our Marriage Intensives is show the movie Fireproof and even though we've seen it several times now, we never fail to feel the impact of it's message for our own marriage and the marriages of the couples who watch it with us.

Seriously, all of us are in tears (even the guys) at some point throughout the movie but never more so as when Caleb makes his apology to his wife, Catherine. I love how he tells her that he's on day 43 when there are only 40 days in the book, "who says I have to stop?"

Here's the thing, the scripture doesn't say, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her for 40 days; or 3 months; or a year-and-a-half." It says, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her." Period. End of discussion. No time limit. It's forever.

When a husband realizes this ~ the truth of the scripture ~ and begins to live this out with his wife, similar to how Caleb begins to live with and for Catherine, his wife's heart will begin to open up towards him.

Welcome to the new normal!

Blessing to you!

A Burden Lifted, A Heart Healed, A Husband Loved

I really should wait and save this for a Testimony Tuesday post because it's definitely a testimony of the journey that Michael and I are on. I can't though. It's so precious to my heart that I need to share it with you right now.

If you're familiar with our story, you'll know that, in our bad days, Michael would constantly accuse me of infidelity. It didn't matter who, what, where or when. One of the people he accused me of this with was someone very dear to my heart and who, along with his wife, had played a pivotal role in my life after Jeff died. During my third separation from Michael, I shared this with this person and his wife; we were all broken hearted about it. Since then, I've never felt able to partake of the closeness of heart that we all used to share.

It's been a heavy burden on my heart for a long time.

Fast forward to today. Michael and I have a completely different relationship and marriage than we did three years ago and much healing has taken place. And it still is. We're going to be holding our first Marriage Intensive next month and something we decided to do to get the word out was to send out a letter of introduction letting people know about our ministry and our desire to help out other couples.

One of the people we contacted was my friend that I mentioned above. I'll tell you, I was very apprehensive about this. In addition to sending a letter, Michael sent him and his wife an email. In it, he owned what he'd done in the past, sincerely apologized and asked their forgiveness. When I read it, I broke and started crying. I hugged him and thanked him and kissed him and told him that I'd been carrying this burden around for so long. He hugged me and apologized and cried with me. It meant so much to me.

I feel so much lighter now. Safer too. I continue to be amazed at how our marriage has evolved over the last few years; that we've come from a place of utter despair to one of ministering to others and asking them to take a look at hope....try it on for size....to be willing to let it out or take it in as the case may be. I love Michael deeply. I'm blessed that Michael continues to bring healing to my heart and I love God for knowing what I've always wanted to be....

A woman at rest.

Apology 101

Saying "sorry" to someone doesn't mean anything unless it's from your heart. Most husbands, even Christian husbands, will take the approach of a simple apology as a blanket statement to cover all of the ways they've hurt their wives throughout their marriage. Sorry guys, this really doesn't cut it. And the sad thing is that because a Christian woman wants to be perceived as a Godly wife, she will accept the apology for the mere sake of keeping peace in the home without having received any real heartfelt healing and closure from the one who hurt her.

One of the things that the marriage ministry Michael and I are involved in encourages a husband to do is to take the time to write down all of the ways that he can think of in which he knows that he's hurt his wife. The purpose of this exercise is mainly to get a husband to really think back over the course of his marriage and come into a knowledge of what he's done and then to take responsibilty for beginning to repair the damage.

What follows is Michael's apology to me. It's not fancy or flowery and it came via no prompting from me (in fact, I didn't even know he was writing it until he gave it to me). It's raw, and extremely personal (and if you ever speak with us you'll know that we don't hide our stuff because what's the point when healing is involved) and will give you real insight into what our struggles were; they don't seem very Christian at all. But they're real and, sadly, quite common among many married Christian couples no matter how those struggles show up.

Annalea, I apologize for:

Committing adultery
Going on the web looking for women
Having an emotional affair
Looking at pornography
Threatening divorce
Bankruptcy
Broken heart
Suspiciousness
Insulting you
Keeping you up at night
Poking, probing and harassing you
Driving you crazy
Not accepting your friends
Not accepting your family
Following you and having you followed
Taping you
Running a DNA test on your clothes
Checking your phone records
Having you take a polygraph
Blaming you for problems with the kids
Blaming you for our marriage problems
Being mean to you
Calling the police on you
Being physically intimate with you before marriage
Letting you drain Jack and Evan’s accounts
Not providing financially for us
Breaking promises I made to you
Saying Daniel was not my son
Allowing pornography into our bedroom and our home
Hurting your reputation
Suggesting your family and friends were covering for you
Making you, Jack and Evan move out of the house to live in a bad neighborhood
Ruining your credit
Being a hypocrite
Going to a strip club
Masturbating
Accusing you of cheating
Being a fraud
Not being the man you needed me to be
Not making your dreams come true
Not treating you like a queen