Should Sex Be The Solution...

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about conferences for women wherein the speaker(s) exhorts married women to entice their husbands by actively participate in ‘sexing up’ the relationship between the two of them. You know, things like wearing sexy lingerie, giving their bedroom a romantic makeover, giving their husband a lap dance, incorporating adult toys into lovemaking, pole dancing…you get the idea. All exciting options for a husband and wife to enjoy together and I’m sure Michael would love there to be a pole in our bedroom or to have me on his lap dressed in some diaphanous scrap of nothing (which would quickly be off of me in any case). For us, there’s a deep level of safety and trust that allows for this kind of….expansion… in our sex life which is largely due to the fact that Michael has been proactive in being a godly husband by living with me in understanding, initiating life into our marriage and pursuing me in a loving way.

For a lot of wives, seeking to turn her husband’s heart towards her via sex has been nothing but an unsuccessful attempt to bring emotional closeness and intimacy to the relationship and for them, it's felt like one-sided trampy, slutty sex instead of fun, erotic sex enjoyed by the two of them. And it’s not because she’s not beautiful or sexy or willing.

Recently, I was set to interview a woman who puts together conferences like the one mentioned above; here’s a snippet of an email I sent her:

I'm very much looking forward to interviewing you and learning more about you, your conference and talking about the importance of sex and romance within marriage.

The sexual relationship between a husband and wife is an area where a lot of the couples we minister to struggle; be it from neglect, complacency, abuse, adultery, etc., and this would be something that I would like to get your perspective on, along with a husband's role in helping his wife feel safe enough with him that she'd be willing to deepen her intimate relationship with him and with God as she begins to explore the godliness of being a sexy wife. In truth, most of the Christian wives we talk with have gone down the "try to be more sexy" road in order to win over their husbands and they've had a very negative experience.

This may be a bit of a different spin on things for you with regard to your ministry; we really talk a lot on a husband's role in the marriage insofar as him being a source of life and strength to his wife, living in understanding with her, laying his life down for her and loving her unconditionally and him being an initiator with her instead of a responder.

I haven’t heard back from her since I sent this over a week ago which I find kind of telling and sort of sad, really. Sex is an important, precious and integral part of a marriage and we teach couples that when a husband is being with his wife the way God calls him to and the way her heart needs, she’ll naturally respond positively; mirroring back the love she receives. As a result, the couple experiences an incredible, organic flow of giving and receiving between them that flows into every aspect of their marriage and makes it better…including the sex. This is what it looks like for Michael and me as we've moved forward in our restoration ~ rather than sex being the solution for keeping us together (which never works), it's become a part of the answer that draws us ever towards one another.

Good Orgasm Bad Marriage

Michael and I had lots of sex in our bad days. Lots of great sex actually which was about the only good thing between us that we could lay claim to back then. We thought sex = love and love = sex.

With all the craziness we experienced together back then and both of us feeling so out of control, we resorted to sex as a way to solve our problems, when in reality we were only burying the issues under a false sense of closeness. Those times we joined together in sexual intimacy we relieved our relational pain (without solving it) and made ourselves (and each other) feel good knowing that when the high wore off, we'd be right back to where we'd started. We were a product of our collective emotional arrestedness that said, "I'm only okay (loved, accepted, valued, etc.)/the relationship is in tact if Michael/Annalea has sex with me.

So....good orgasms; über bad marriage.

I (Michael) thought - like many husbands - that if my wife would have sex with me whenever I wanted her to and however I wanted her to then our marriage would be fine. I'd be accepted by her, my need to feel like a man would be fulfilled and SHAZAAM! I'd get the wife I wanted....and somehow, I'd get this marriage thing right.

The opposite happened. Annalea did give me sex whenever I wanted, the problem was that I wanted it during times that I'd been verbally and/or emotionally abusive towards her (to assuage my insecurities) so all her having sex with me did was reinforce my bad behavior towards her and I didn't change into the man she needed me to be nor did I get the wife that I needed and wanted.

My thoughts and arguments weren't only flawed, they weren't scriptural. If Annalea gives me sex, then things will be fine, great, whatever. So not true! I discovered that the way to a great and happy marriage was to choose first to treat Annalea with a Christ-like love. Then as I stayed obedient to the Lord, trusting Him and trusting that Annalea would respond positively toward me as I chose to treat her the way God called me to, our marriage did turn around. This was (and continues to be) nothing short of a miracle.

Annalea and I both grew up in broken homes so neither of us saw our parents in a happy, whole marriage. Instead we became the products of infidelity, alcoholism, divorce, physical abuse, control, sexual molestation, drug use, promiscuity; perhaps some of the things that you yourself experienced growing up. For us to be happily married is a first in who knows how many generations in our respective families.

It's our heart's desire that you experience this kind of transformation in your own marriage. Seriously, if we can do it....You Can Do It Too!