The Woman In The Room...

Michael often has dreams of a spiritual nature; me....not too many. The few I have had, however, have always packed a very powerful punch and the one I had just a few hours ago was definitely one of those. So, at 6:30 in the morning here, with windows and doors thrown open to the light, because light is needed right now, and with coffee brewing in the kitchen I'll share it with you before the details ~ and the message ~ become fuzzy edged and too difficult to relate to another.

I was in the home of a family that I've known my entire life whom I deeply love. We're all sitting around talking and into our midst walks a young woman completely naked except for a long sweatery vest, open in the front, and high heeled shoes. Her hair and makeup are done and she's very pretty; not in a slutty film star sort of way though which gives me pause the first time I see her. And, it's obvious from everyone's reaction that they know her and she's clearly a welcome guest despite the immediate and very obvious discomfort of everyone there.

She sits in the only available space which is, of course, next to me and the further I scoot myself away from her the closer she moves toward me. No one seems to give her much notice and when I can't move away any further I jump up and very vehemently ask who the hell she is and what she's doing here. My question is first met with disdainful looks from the others in the way of, "hey. don't say anything. you don't want to offend her. and, that's not very christian of you." One man jumps up and loudly exclaims, "FINALLY!!! Someone's saying something!"

I look to the elders in the family and ask what they could possibly be thinking by allowing this woman into their home, don't they know that every man here wants to have sex with her; probably even some of the women? And if the latter aren't thinking of her that way they're at the very least comparing themselves to her and telling themselves where they don't measure up.

The man who spoke up agrees that he'd been thinking of her that way and now his wife who's sitting next to him is upset but he's like, come on...what did you think?

It becomes evident that the elder woman allowed her to be there in the hope that her own husband would have sex with her (the whole Abraham, Sarah, Hagar thing and we know how that went down - still feeling the effects today). I, very heatedly, start talking about how seeing this woman in this way is a stumbling block for everyone there, myself included.

Then I woke up. Lay in bed in the dawn light trying to put all the pieces together. Thinking more on each detail and listening to what He was telling me and I've come away with this:

1. often times people who've been sexually abused as children (hand raised) have also experienced same-sex touching at some point in their life (hand raised) and have sometimes struggled with same-sex attraction (hand raised).

2. when something has you in it's grip, it's best to run hell-bent for leather in the opposite direction whenever it comes toward you; commands you to give it your full attention. like joseph running from potipher's wife - he ran right out of his robes in order to get away and stop himself from doing the wrong thing. and a person's struggle doesn't have to be sexual in nature. it could be spending money, drinking, or that glorious chocolate cake on the counter, ooozing sweet buttery frosting .

3. as much as i want to be able to say that i don't struggle with certain things in my life and as much healing as michael has brought healing to me and as often as i've asked God to deliver me from them, i can completely relate to paul's words ~ I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:7-9

When I was younger and had less understanding of the Word, I used to believe that the 'thorn in his side' was an actual thorn or some sort of physical ailment. Now...not so much. Since he describes it as, 'a messenger of Satan to torment', I think it's a struggle of the flesh and will; something he had victory over most of the time and something he defaulted to in his darkest moments. Torment of the most insidious kind.

Last night, making love in tears, confessing my struggles to Michael. I felt his complete love for me and mine for him - our acceptance of one another and I wish that was enough . To apologize and really mean it. To ask for and receive forgiveness. To run away from my thorns to the point of nakedness. To accept His grace; sufficient for all. Yet I know those struggles still live within me and I know they'll raise their ugly heads again.

That I would grow wings to carry me away when that happens. Fast and far.

Our fourth 4th And Other Observations...

Last week marked the fourth 4th of July we've spent together since our marriage restoration began and when we talk about what our marriage is like now compared to those tenuous first days, well....there is no comparison. Absolutely everything is different: how we think, feel, talk, love, struggle, parent, laugh, cry, listen, trust, surrender, share...everything.

That said, I believe there's one specific area that, more than anything, we continue to be aware of - our own woundedness and the woundedness of others.

For ourselves, our personal wounding ~ what we experienced as children and how it's shown up in our lives as adults ~ is something that we can safely talk about to each other without fear or condemnation. It's something we can continue to let go of and give to God knowing that it only defines us if we allow it to. Either way, it's something that's recognizable when it shows up; something glaringly obvious that we can look at and ~ with grace and truth ~ say "no" to.

Keeping Your Joy...

I'm the first one up today. A rarity in our house. Not because I'm not a morning person - I am; it's just that I usually wake to the sounds of cereal scavenging and cartoon network. But this morning....peace. Which is good because I really needed the solitude today; a slice of quiet carved out for a few moments to process the thoughts in my head. I thought about calling a couple of friends who would totally get where I am right now and I know they'd be there for me but I wanted to just sit here and type before I get muddled down in the intricacies of conversation.

Several years ago, shortly after Michael and I were married, we found ourselves in the middle of a full blown crisis involving accusations, detectives, mistrust, lie detector tests...it wasn't pretty. The pastor we sat under at that time counseled me to, "keep my joy" which was not the advice I was hoping for. I sat there with the phone to my ear and listened in disbelief. Pissed off. Was that seriously the best he could do? Hadn't he just heard what I'd told him? deTECtive! LIE detector! YELLing! Where the F does keeping my joy fit in? He had no idea what I'd been living with.

It reminded me of my best friend telling me not to lose hope when Jeff was dying of cancer. I'd never been more angry with her. What did she know? She didn't have to see him fall and never get up again or feel new tumors under his skin practically every day or receive test results that mocked everyone's best efforts.

Last night, I found out that the husband of a dear family friend was diagnosed with a rare malignant abdominal tumor. He starts chemo today. They're both young with two small children...like we were. She said it's going to be a difficult time and she's right. Difficult and scary and precious and happy and uncertain and lonely and incredible and fucked up and surreal and hollow and beautiful. They will feel small and enormous at the same time; pulled and stretched in ways they never dreamed of; tested and refined over and over and over again.

I totally understand what they're getting ready to face and while I may not know a lot I do know this....when someone is living in an abusive marriage, or facing the uncertainty of health issues, or staring at the lid of the coffin that contains a child, or wondering how they're going to feed their family of five with their last $10...hope and joy are barely a blip on the radar and it's easy to stay in the darkest and blackest of places.

This is life. This is marriage. Messy. At times it sucks and you just want to get in your car and start driving in the opposite direction and still....it's always amazing. If Michael and I hadn't been on the brink of divorce we may never have gotten involved in marriage ministry and if Jeff hadn't gotten sick he (and others) may never have accepted Christ. Jeramiah 29:11 says that God has a plan and a purpose in our lives; to prosper us and not to harm us. Were these things part of God's plan? I believe so - not at the time I didn't...I so didn't. Now I know that hope and joy are part and parcel with hurt and sorrow. You can separate the two but will never feel the fullness of either without them being together.

It's a paradox, a conundrum, an oxymoron.

Keeping my joy and not losing hope? I get it now. I really do.

Words With God...

I think that many of us could look back over our lives thus far and find some reasons to not trust God and, probably, there's one really big reason somewhere in there. I know there is for me and it wasn't what I thought it was; at least, not exactly. It was deep though. Buried beneath so many years of guilt and shame and the whole 'honor thy father and mother' commandment that I dared not think it let alone speak it.

Just a few pages into a new book this evening (Women Food God) and a brief conversation with Michael and I was in tears...wailing...over a hurt that runs so deep I've done nothing but run from it since the day it was inflicted. I thought I'd dealt with it and to some extent that's true. Mostly though I've molded myself into someone I'm not sure that I was ever meant to be or, at the very least, someone that I had to be so that I could just...survive. You know how you can remember an event and there's what actually happened and what you believed happened? And Satan is such an exquisite liar that what you believe begins to make sense...to become your truth.

I just lay there crying in Michael's lap while I had words with God about it all. No holds barred words. I don't trust You words. You did leave me. You did forsake me. How could You have let this happen? Where were You? Is this seriously the good plan You had for me? You knew this would happen!!! Why didn't You stop it???

As a rule, this isn't the way I speak to God. I'm mostly gracious and careful, sometimes distracted, always polite. Tonight I didn't care. Tonight my heart was in my throat and I had to speak or choke on my own words. And I didn't get wrath or the cold shoulder or condemnation. I got...comfort. Not in words. I didn't want words. I didn't need words; I'd said enough of my own. It came in the touch of Michael's hand rubbing my back and smoothing the hair from my face. And with his touch the realization that God was using him to comfort me, to sooth me, to ease my pain and reassure me of His love for me. Insert deep wobbly breath here.

I know that there's still more to process and that there will still be more conversations and tears and ups and downs and while all that makes me feel unsteady on my feet, of these three things I'm absolutely sure: that resisting the pain hurts more than the pain itself, that I have an incredible husband who doesn't run away when I'm hurting and that God hears all of my words and He sees me.

He sees me.

A Prayer Of Wrestling...

I didn't write this though I can really relate to it....a prayer for times when I've wondered if I could walk in faith for one more day; times when I've needed to wrestle with God like Jacob did, or groan to Him like David because of the struggles within my heart.

I'll bet you've been there a time or two yourself...especially if you're married.

When loving means to grapple,
When kindness is a fight, against the self that gives,
And him who takes, when heartache is the payment,
For proffered grace
Lord , hear my prayer

When fury is my bread, and grief the the vim that animates my bones,
When those I love are my foes,
When hate and mercy grapple for my soul,
When I the turncoat am,
The soldier who won’t stand to bear the battle
Lord hear my prayer

When living is a breaking of heart and hope and bone,
When rash, I rave at heaven,
And strike out blindly against the cold,
When I am Jacob, wrestling against the Lord
And lamed by grace, I fall
Lord hold me close, and be my prayer.

~ Sarah, Thoroughly Alive

My Cherie Amour...

I had to get out of the house this morning. Like....immediately. You know those days. I'm sure you've had them. It wasn't because anyone was doing any one particular thing it's just that all of their 'particular things' were driving me crazy and I knew if I stayed I'd quickly become a terrible mother which would then be followed by me quickly becoming a terrible wife so I grabbed my computer and the car keys and drove myself to Starbucks and here I comfortably sit. Except that the music they're playing this morning are all old R&B songs which makes me feel like Jeff is sitting down right next to me so......shit.

There's a bright spot though....a small one but I'll take it. Since I'll be here for a couple of hours I asked the barista to put my latte in a ceramic cup and when I went to the bar to pick it up, he'd made a little heart in the foam. Sweet. Thank you Mr. barista; and thank you God for little love notes. He, the barista, was so happy to do it - gave him a chance to be creative - which I totally get - and he confessed how happy he got when people ordered their coffee in a real cup so that he could give their drink a bit of flair. This was followed by a brief conversation of appreciation of the real vs. imitation, specifically....a book you can hold with pages you can turn and library mustiness you can smell vs. reading on a kindle; putting oil in a pot and filling it popcorn and smelling the steam and shaking the pan over the burner and putting all that white fluffy stuff in a bowl and saturating it with real butter and salt vs. microwave popcorn. You get the idea.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed. So much to do and so much going on. Be still and know seems a vague instruction; something easily brushed aside in the presence of being pulled in so many different directions.

All this to say that I'm not feeling like anyone's "dear love" today...not yet anyway. Perhaps another latte?

Well now....

My son, Jack, has to have an ultrasound of his heart next week. It's for a recently detected heart murmur and most likely nothing serious though it has me thinking about a lot of stuff that I need to journal about on my other blog. Anyway, the reality of it just has me feeling SOOOO many different ways today!

Some powerful stuff here in this clip. I'm only kinda sorry if the language offends - it fits the story and it fits my mood.

The Beginning of Our Marriage Restoration Journey

I was looking in Michael's 'sent' email folder today for something that he'd forwarded to me last month and found this letter that I'd given him a couple of weeks before we went to our Marriage Intensive. As it's part of our personal story, we thought it perfect to post for Testimony Tuesday.

Dear Michael,

I'm really glad that we seem to be on a path to restoring our marriage. I'm glad that you are reading Joel and Kathy's books and that you've been open to their teaching, experience and suggestions as hard as that may be for you at times. I recognize that you want to try to make changes in your life that will positively affect me, you and our marriage and will help you to become that man that God has called you to be.

I think that the Intensive could be a huge turning point for both of us and I want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to pay the fee as soon as possible so that we can go. I think it was a complete blessing from the Lord that I was able to use my miles and I don't think we can afford to lose this opportunity. I hope you feel the same.

I also want to say that I'm glad you were finally open to moving out. I know this was difficult for you (you even mentioned pride, humiliation, etc.) and I recognize your struggle. The thing is, it's not working for me (not with it being just a "clothes out" move). Even though I at first agreed (actually suggested) that you continue to come here to do your work, I don't feel in control of my life knowing that you're still coming here everyday. It doesn't feel like a true separation and though I struggle with being alone and wanting to be taken care of by you (especially during my pregnancy) I don't feel like I have any space that I can call my own right now to grow and breathe. I know that I've asked you to stay a couple of times and you've immediately said that you don't want to overstay your welcome. I'm glad that you're conscious of that boundary.

It's just that, for me, it's more of a struggle to grow through this and really focus on restoring myself when I see you all the time. It's too easy for me to want to throw everything away and just make love and forget that there are some real issues that need to be dealt with ~ especially by you ~ before we can really and truly come back together. I will go out on a limb here to say that you struggle with the same thing and these two wrongs for us both definitely do not make a right.

NEGATIVE - What I've seen from you since you agreed to move out is (and even since we started talking again):
- putting the fact that you forced me out back on me and trying to make me feel bad about it
- not moving your clothes out until I said something
- wanting to be secretive about who had the tapes
- you still trying to have some control in my life
- you not having to pay any rent on the apartment as I've already done so
- two months of an unpaid mortgage, etc. - allowing G to have the upper hand in his relationship with you (language, disrespect, boundaries, etc.) which speaks of your relationship with me

POSITIVE - I've also seen you:
- reading Joel & Kathy's books
- making some apologies
- doing some work around the house
- buying gifts
- going on some appointments
- putting gas in my car
- buying groceries

I think that the negative stuff is your arrested development and pride getting in the way. I think that the positive stuff is you really wanting to make an effort. I think we both need some space. And so I'm asking you to move your office to the apartment for the time being. It just feels too much like I've come home to you on your terms (like every time before) and I need you to come back on mine.

I get the inconvenience of it all and I can already hear the prideful excuses. Still, I'm hoping for the positive effort.


Five days later, Michael sent the following email to J&K:

Dear Joel and Kathy,

Money is very tight right now. I am self employed so no check every Friday. However I do have money coming in, and paying for the intensive is on the top of the list. I have read your first book and now I have started to read your second book. Learning to listen to my wife's heart is what I am working on also owning how I have hurt her. She is still unsure if the changing in me is genuine, although it seems like she is beginning to open up with me. When she poses a request I am learning to listen and act on it right away. Thank you for being so open and for setting me on the right path to love my wife with agape love.

Everybody's Got A Hungry Heart

Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name. Isaiah 49:1

Last night Michael and I were driving to Target (one of my favortie places...smile) and I asked him this, "Do you think that we were in heaven before we were born? You know how it says in the bible that He called us by name even before we were born? To me that kind of sounds like we may have been in heaven before we were here and because of that, we've had a taste of what heaven is. Being here on earth and away from such a place, we all walk around with an emptiness....a hunger...in our hearts that can only be filled by God and because we long to be with Him we keep searching through other means to try to fill the void; something that will bring, if only for a moment, a feeling of wholeness and completeness; love and acceptance."

He absolutely understood what I was getting at though he doesn't think we were in heaven before we were here. He said that because God breathed life into Adam - His spirit - there's a part of Him that is always with us. One of those things you know that you don't know or a feeling that's only a vapor yet deep to the point of an eternal ache that we all long to ease.

I think many of us (myself included) walk around with an emptiness in our hearts that we try to fill with things other than God; things like food, alcohol, sex, drugs, money....and the thing is ~ all of those are temporary and will never fully satisfy. How do we know? Because once the effect wears off we're still empty.

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me, that your soul may live. Isaiah 55:2-3

I don't know about you but this verse really speaks to me and is one that I've been meditating on a lot lately. I'd never even heard it until recently as I've been participating in a course from Setting Captives Free called The Lord's Table. It's powerful isn't it? And as I continue on and learn how to be satisfied by the bread and the wine that's my Savior ~ the richest of fare ~ I'm beginning to feel the first flutterings of life within my soul and am shaken by the knowledge that my heart no longer needs to go hungry or be empty.