The Beginning of Our Marriage Restoration Journey

I was looking in Michael's 'sent' email folder today for something that he'd forwarded to me last month and found this letter that I'd given him a couple of weeks before we went to our Marriage Intensive. As it's part of our personal story, we thought it perfect to post for Testimony Tuesday.

Dear Michael,

I'm really glad that we seem to be on a path to restoring our marriage. I'm glad that you are reading Joel and Kathy's books and that you've been open to their teaching, experience and suggestions as hard as that may be for you at times. I recognize that you want to try to make changes in your life that will positively affect me, you and our marriage and will help you to become that man that God has called you to be.

I think that the Intensive could be a huge turning point for both of us and I want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to pay the fee as soon as possible so that we can go. I think it was a complete blessing from the Lord that I was able to use my miles and I don't think we can afford to lose this opportunity. I hope you feel the same.

I also want to say that I'm glad you were finally open to moving out. I know this was difficult for you (you even mentioned pride, humiliation, etc.) and I recognize your struggle. The thing is, it's not working for me (not with it being just a "clothes out" move). Even though I at first agreed (actually suggested) that you continue to come here to do your work, I don't feel in control of my life knowing that you're still coming here everyday. It doesn't feel like a true separation and though I struggle with being alone and wanting to be taken care of by you (especially during my pregnancy) I don't feel like I have any space that I can call my own right now to grow and breathe. I know that I've asked you to stay a couple of times and you've immediately said that you don't want to overstay your welcome. I'm glad that you're conscious of that boundary.

It's just that, for me, it's more of a struggle to grow through this and really focus on restoring myself when I see you all the time. It's too easy for me to want to throw everything away and just make love and forget that there are some real issues that need to be dealt with ~ especially by you ~ before we can really and truly come back together. I will go out on a limb here to say that you struggle with the same thing and these two wrongs for us both definitely do not make a right.

NEGATIVE - What I've seen from you since you agreed to move out is (and even since we started talking again):
- putting the fact that you forced me out back on me and trying to make me feel bad about it
- not moving your clothes out until I said something
- wanting to be secretive about who had the tapes
- you still trying to have some control in my life
- you not having to pay any rent on the apartment as I've already done so
- two months of an unpaid mortgage, etc. - allowing G to have the upper hand in his relationship with you (language, disrespect, boundaries, etc.) which speaks of your relationship with me

POSITIVE - I've also seen you:
- reading Joel & Kathy's books
- making some apologies
- doing some work around the house
- buying gifts
- going on some appointments
- putting gas in my car
- buying groceries

I think that the negative stuff is your arrested development and pride getting in the way. I think that the positive stuff is you really wanting to make an effort. I think we both need some space. And so I'm asking you to move your office to the apartment for the time being. It just feels too much like I've come home to you on your terms (like every time before) and I need you to come back on mine.

I get the inconvenience of it all and I can already hear the prideful excuses. Still, I'm hoping for the positive effort.


Five days later, Michael sent the following email to J&K:

Dear Joel and Kathy,

Money is very tight right now. I am self employed so no check every Friday. However I do have money coming in, and paying for the intensive is on the top of the list. I have read your first book and now I have started to read your second book. Learning to listen to my wife's heart is what I am working on also owning how I have hurt her. She is still unsure if the changing in me is genuine, although it seems like she is beginning to open up with me. When she poses a request I am learning to listen and act on it right away. Thank you for being so open and for setting me on the right path to love my wife with agape love.

Slaying the Silent Knight

Passive/Aggressive men or, as we like to call them, Silent Knights, are some of the most verbally and emotionally abusive husbands and are often the hardest to reach. On the outside, these husbands are great with tasks and are often perceived by others as a great guy and in many respects they are. These same men often have such a deep fear of intimacy that they will wrap themselves up in busy work to avoid any type of emotional bond with their wife....children....extended family....anyone who requires their heart to be involved. Because these husbands are great at other things that his wife needs and that are important in the marriage, she often feels wrong for even bringing up the sorrow that she feels because of the emotional disconnect ~ and her passive/aggressive husband will validate this wrong feeling with making her feel bad because of all he does.

It's a tricky situation.

Today we speak on this subject which, truth be told, we could talk on for many hours....days in fact and - if you get on any of the weekly calls - Wednesday nights are specifically geared towards the passive/aggressive husband.

Speaking of calls, we hop you'll join us this evening at 7pm (pst - dialing information in the sidebar) for our weekly marriage ministry call. Don't worry about being on right at 7 either as these calls often go on until 11pm, 12pm...sometimes until 1am as needed.

There are still 3 open spots for next weeks Marriage Victory Intensive so just give us a call if you want to register.

Be blessed!