High Expectations!

I'm not sure about you, but before I ever got married I would often hear and read that I shouldn't have high expectations of my marriage or my husband because they're weren't realistic and would just cause failure. I heard a lot along the lines of, "...that's just how men are" and "...all that changes after you get married."

Since I didn't hear anything to the contrary I just assumed that that's what I should expect which wasn't a comforting thought, to say the least. In my first marriage, my husband and I hardly ever made love and when I would bring it up to him, he would tell me that that was normal for most marriages and I would respond with, "but why does our marriage have to be like 'most marriages'?"

Think about it, when our husbands were dating and courting us, they gave us compliments, held our hands, told us we were beautiful, took us out, bought us gifts, talked with us on the phone until late into the night, sent us flowers, shared their hopes and dreams, wore cologne, laughed with us, sent us cards....THIS, my fine gentlemen, is what we said YES to. We blossomed beneath this treatment and responded in kind. I mean, who wouldn't right? And yet, for some inexplicable reason, most of these wonderful things stopped happening shortly after 'I Do' or not long after the first year or two of marriage.

Remember though, we were told (and I'm sure guys were to) not to have high expectations of our marriages and husbands so we just accepted that this is how it was supposed to be.

The net result? Sadness, boredom, settling, physical and emotional affairs, unhappiness, depression, prozac, romance novels, alcohol, poor self image, overeating, making the children our priority, crying, yelling, checking out....divorce.

We tried. Oh man, did we try! With the broken record playing in the background that said that's just how men are, that's just how women are, that's just marriage, that's what happens after you have kids, at least he doesn't hit you or sleep around, at least she's a good cook and keeps the house clean, at least you still have sex sometimes...

We stop having high expectations of one another and for our marriages because we're told to.

Here's the thing though...high expectations within our marriages can be embraced and realized. God has high expectations of us and for us and there's no reason at all why that shouldn't hold true in marriage. So go ahead, think big! Ladies, expect your husband to pursue you as he did when you were dating. Expect him to treat you like a queen. Guys, expect your wife to blossom like a rose when you are being that man that God has called you to be and loving her with a Christ-like love. Expect to be able to meet her needs and become the man of her dreams.

Do this, and she will become the woman of yours!



  1. I always have mixed feelings about this issue. On the one hand, I agree with you. If our expectations are too low we'll never strive for anything better. But on the other hand, having overly-high expectations can be dangerous, too, because then when things don't work out perfectly we think something is wrong and that our marriage is failing when in reality it's just going through a normal bump.

    So I think the key is balance. Marriage shouldn't suck completely but it also isn't going to be rainbows and sunshine all the time, either. And I think a couple should decide together how they will make their marriage rock rather than just walking into it with the expectation that it will rock.

    Just some thoughts!

  2. You said it Kathleen, "marriage shouldn't suck completely," and you're right, balance is really important when it comes to our expectations of our spouse.

    In our ministry, we've come to find that a kind of 'ho hum, hum drum' way of life has become the norm for many couples instead of striving to keep the relationship moving along at a decent clip.

    Most women long to be pursued by their husbands but have come to accept that they shouldn't expect it.

    Super sad, IMHO.