In continuing on with bringing you snippets of posts from Joel and Kathy's Marriage Ministry forum, here's one that comes from a wife who writes about working through the pain and mourning she experiences after her husband becomes safe.
Following are some quotes from a book I picked up at the library called, "Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide To Understanding Your Symptoms And Reclaiming Your Life" by Jasmin Lee Cori.
"There are two kinds of suffering you should know about. One is the suffering caused by what happened (the loss, betrayal, injury, or whatever), which includes the suffering of living with that experience and with the symptoms that result from it."
"When we commit ourselves to healing, we open up to a different type of suffering-the pain that is part of the healing process. This is the pain that was too overwhelming to feel before. It's the pain we blocked during the traumatic events and the pain that arises as we feel the full impact of the trauma"
"For me, the pain of healing was very hard to bear; it was sharper in many ways than the earlier pain, but it was finite, and it passed."
"That summer was a turning point for me. That summer I cried every day. It was part of letting up the emotional component that had been only partially present in much of my earlier recovery of memories, and the beginning of a deeper grieving of my losses. The crying itself did not resolve things for me, but it was part of what prepared me for what came later, when the opportunity presented itself to really cleanse the wounds with a qualified trauma therpaist."
I have only skimmed this book a bit, but just the above quotes explain so much about working through the pain we have suffered as wives. I personally am suffering in a deeper way now than I did when I was going through alot of the actual trauma I have lived through. I feel like while I was in the middle of abuse, my husbands depression, porn addiction, hospitalizations, financial distress, seperations ... I just kept going, I just kept plugging along, doing what I had to do, surviving.
Now that my husband is safe, I can actually grieve. I have to walk through the events again as they arise, and it is incredibly painful this time. I am not living on adrenaline, or numb (that mechanism God gifts us with during our trauma), but am feeling deeply the pain that it all caused me.
I hope by sharing these things with you, you can maybe get a better glimpse into what your wife may be going through. Stay the course! One of the scariest things for a wife is the fear that her husband will become comfortable again ... he will revert. Continue to PROVE to her, moment by moment, day by day, that this is not the case! Beauty.
As I've walked this restoration process out with Michael, I can absolutely relate with what Beauty herself experienced. It's such an emotional let down when we (wives) don't have to live in the constant stress of the pain that our husbands bring into the relationship. For me, it was the consistent accusations of adultery and the levels that these accusations elevated to. It was the emotional, spiratual and verbal abuse that came my way day in and day out.
When Michael stopped this and began to live with me in an understanding way; when he took ownership of how he was being with me; when he lay down his life for me; when he listened to my heart and validated me; when he began to show me the love of Christ...I went through a period of mourning a sadness because....I could. Because I needed to. Because he let me and held me through it. This is where closure comes. This is where restoration and rebuilding begins. This is how a husband begins to represent Christ to his wife.
Please join us tonight at 7pm (pst) for our free, weekly marriage ministry call. You'll find the information you need to the right of our blog in the side bar and we sure hope you'll join us; really ~ whether you speak up or just listen in ~ it's a powerful time of ministry.
We love you and stand in faith with you that your marriage can be restored, in Jesus name!