Raging Bitch Lunatic

Today when Michael woke up and asked, "How are you feeling today Sweetheart?" I replied, "Like a raging bitch lunatic!" and do you know what he said? "That's good, Baby."

That wasn't sarcasm. He really meant it. Which is good, I suppose, because I really do feel like a raging bitch lunatic today.

You've probably been there a time or two yourself. Maybe even a time or fifty. I've felt like this more times than I care to admit on a public forum (and one that's dedicated to marriage restoration to boot) but normally, I stuff it and put on the look of normal. My 10-year-old had me completely pegged though this morning when he asked if I was angry with him or his brothers to which I said, "no Pup, why do you ask?" (duh!) He said, "because you have that look."

Does anyone have a napkin so that I can wipe the blood off the knife that just went into my heart?

And, to add insult to injury, Michael gave me permission to "let it out, Babe, I can take it." Can you believe that? While you may be reading this and thinking that I don't need his permission, he's wise enough to know that I do or I'd just keep trying to be a good girl and make everyone happy.

I'm really getting tired of trying to keep it together like this. It's exhausting, truly.

So...I let it out. For about 30 seconds (which is huge for me). I raised my voice and stomped around and cried and complained and slammed things. I told him that I didn't want to go and do something today that I'd committed to do for my mom and he said he'd go for me! I know....right? He totally would too and would do an amazing job but I told him no, he couldn't because then she would know that I didn't want to go and I just can not deal with that guilt right now. I'm going to go because it's the right thing to do and it's not about me and she needs my help and she loves me and blah...blah...blah...

Michael said, "Let me take you to lunch, Babe." Can't. I won't be here. I'll be dying to myself and helping my mom and besides, it wouldn't be much fun with the baby making a party of three. Didn't he even consider that?

Raging Bitch Lunatic, indeed. Lord, thank You for giving me a husband who's willing to go there with me, wherever my there may be and however ugly my there presents itself. Amen.

Somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate!

Attributes Of A Husband Helping/Hindering The Healing Process

Another Golden Nugget from Joel and Kathy's marriage forum that is so worth reading. This comes from Firewalker, an incredible woman whom Michael and I happen to know personally and who is walking out this journey with her husband. We recommend that you do a search for her name and read everything that she's written. What we're sharing here is just a small sample of her knowledge of this process.

Attributes of a Man committed to Healing:

A man who is sincerely pursuing healing his wife's heart will reach out in humility and get the real help he needs. He will recognize his continuing being stuck in the pattern of his old ways and will seek counsel to interrupt the negative thinking which produces such behavior that "trying" in the strength of his own "flesh" is likely to produce: sinful, selfish, defensive, self-pitying.

A broken man before the Lord will embrace the current state of behavior and bring it to the altar of the Lord to be burned up

A humble man does not argue, complain, resist, deflect or blame. He takes ownership of his sin and confesses it as sin, not just a little cluelessness.

A sincere man will re-double his efforts and get busy with REAL change, and confess his half-hearted efforts that kept him only moderately committed.

A passionate husband will set aside his own comfort to get this marriage, the most important calling in his life, on top of the priority list and keep it at the forefront of his mind.

A man who seeks greater Christlikeness will keep short accounts with God, and with his wife, initiating confession regularly at the prompting of the Spirit of God.

A godly, committed husband will become a greater prayer warrior and will enlist the compassionate prayer of his wife to join him in warring on his knees before the Lord and fighting against his REAL enemy: the world, his flesh and the Devil.

Attributes of an insincere, selfish, fleshly husband in the healing process:

A man who is NOT sincere will be: disgruntled, self-pitying, entitled to be angry (He is, in his mind, trying), shut down further emotionally.

He will drag his feet, because afterall he doesn't believe he really is the problem.

He will run away from his wife at every opportunity both physically and emotionally.

He will isolate greater, embracing the hopelessness and identifying himself as the world most misunderstood man.

He is the ultimate V-I-C-T-I-M, and will allow this to kill any hope of real change.

He will enlist the help of others to point out to his wife how right he is about their marriage and how harsh, mean, demanding and cruel his wife is being when she wants "Christlikeness" from him.

He will pray for relief from his pain.

He will bury his head in the sand and hope this too just blows over.

He will continue doing what he always has done, not seeing that that is why he is getting what he has alway gotten in the way of results.

His mind will remain untransformed, making any of his small actions towards healing isolated events, ineffective, disconnected emotionally from his wife, and safe from real risk or discomfort on his part.

He will continue to blame his wife and God for giving him this wife.

Tonight, as you may know, is our free weekly marriage ministry call which begins at 7pm (pst). 512-716-6531 access code is 981128#. We can't tell you how amazingly helpful these are and we urge you to call in and get some help. We, as are all of the helpers in this ministry, are so willing to be in the trenches with you and your spouse as you walk out your healing and restoration. Micheal and I have been there and we completely understand how difficult it can be. We believe that this is the body helping the body and it's so needed.

Also, we have another Marriage Victory Intensive coming up February 18-21, 2010 in Anaheim, CA. If you'd like more information or would like to register, just visit our contact page and give us a jingle.

Remember, if we can do it....You Can Do It To!

We love and believe in you!

Saturday Morning Sweetness

Yesterday we got a new laptop. While it was an absolute necessity and we got an incredible price on it (woo hoo!) it's such a fun toy! I'm telling you I feel like a kid on Christmas morning with this thing which, yes, I am currently typing on (smile).

So, now that I've got lots of memory under my fingertips and am able to download all of the newest versions of my favorite programs I just have to tell you that I absolutely love the Genius feature on Itunes (no shameless plugs here). I can play one of the songs in my library and Genius will pull up all sorts of recommendations of similar songs that I may enjoy.

Michael and I have had so much fun this morning playing with this. Laying in bed with Itunes open on the computer and our naked feet playing together beneath the covers, we've totally been reliving our lives in the 80's! Remember this one? Whatever happened to them? Oh, I totally loved that song! Totally!

Honestly, we've been at this for about an hour now and I don't see us stopping for a while yet...good thing the boys know how to get their own cereal! Now if someone would just brings us two cups of coffee the way we like them and some delicious snacks....and entertain our kids for a while...we'd be set! All this to say, dear readers, go have some fun with your spouse! Play together; talk, laugh, tickle, sing and dance - in your jammies or, as referred to in one of my favorite romance novels (when I used to read them), in your all together!

This is making love at it's funnest!

Working Through The Pain

In continuing on with bringing you snippets of posts from Joel and Kathy's Marriage Ministry forum, here's one that comes from a wife who writes about working through the pain and mourning she experiences after her husband becomes safe.

Following are some quotes from a book I picked up at the library called, "Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide To Understanding Your Symptoms And Reclaiming Your Life" by Jasmin Lee Cori.

"There are two kinds of suffering you should know about. One is the suffering caused by what happened (the loss, betrayal, injury, or whatever), which includes the suffering of living with that experience and with the symptoms that result from it."

"When we commit ourselves to healing, we open up to a different type of suffering-the pain that is part of the healing process. This is the pain that was too overwhelming to feel before. It's the pain we blocked during the traumatic events and the pain that arises as we feel the full impact of the trauma"

"For me, the pain of healing was very hard to bear; it was sharper in many ways than the earlier pain, but it was finite, and it passed."

"That summer was a turning point for me. That summer I cried every day. It was part of letting up the emotional component that had been only partially present in much of my earlier recovery of memories, and the beginning of a deeper grieving of my losses. The crying itself did not resolve things for me, but it was part of what prepared me for what came later, when the opportunity presented itself to really cleanse the wounds with a qualified trauma therpaist."

I have only skimmed this book a bit, but just the above quotes explain so much about working through the pain we have suffered as wives. I personally am suffering in a deeper way now than I did when I was going through alot of the actual trauma I have lived through. I feel like while I was in the middle of abuse, my husbands depression, porn addiction, hospitalizations, financial distress, seperations ... I just kept going, I just kept plugging along, doing what I had to do, surviving.

Now that my husband is safe, I can actually grieve. I have to walk through the events again as they arise, and it is incredibly painful this time. I am not living on adrenaline, or numb (that mechanism God gifts us with during our trauma), but am feeling deeply the pain that it all caused me.

I hope by sharing these things with you, you can maybe get a better glimpse into what your wife may be going through. Stay the course! One of the scariest things for a wife is the fear that her husband will become comfortable again ... he will revert. Continue to PROVE to her, moment by moment, day by day, that this is not the case! Beauty.

As I've walked this restoration process out with Michael, I can absolutely relate with what Beauty herself experienced. It's such an emotional let down when we (wives) don't have to live in the constant stress of the pain that our husbands bring into the relationship. For me, it was the consistent accusations of adultery and the levels that these accusations elevated to. It was the emotional, spiratual and verbal abuse that came my way day in and day out.

When Michael stopped this and began to live with me in an understanding way; when he took ownership of how he was being with me; when he lay down his life for me; when he listened to my heart and validated me; when he began to show me the love of Christ...I went through a period of mourning a sadness because....I could. Because I needed to. Because he let me and held me through it. This is where closure comes. This is where restoration and rebuilding begins. This is how a husband begins to represent Christ to his wife.

Please join us tonight at 7pm (pst) for our free, weekly marriage ministry call. You'll find the information you need to the right of our blog in the side bar and we sure hope you'll join us; really ~ whether you speak up or just listen in ~ it's a powerful time of ministry.

We love you and stand in faith with you that your marriage can be restored, in Jesus name!

A Husband's Death Crawl

As you've been following our blog you've come to know that the ministry we're a part of that restored our marriage puts a lot of emphasis on a husband laying his life down for his wife and dying to self. We've talked about this a lot over the last several months and today I wanted to give you an illustration you could see of what this really looks like.

Many of the husbands who come into this ministry in the beginning will say that they'll do whatever it takes to win their wife's heart. They're given some basic tasks which they say they can do. They start off strong and full of energy for what's set before them but often times will only go a certain distance before they get tired and give up, claiming that they just can't go any further or die to self any more.

If you've never seen the movie FACING THE GIANTS, I really recommend you do so. There are many amazing messages within this film but I want to focus on the "Death Crawl" as an illustration of what I mentioned above. Husbands, as you begin to walk this out with your wife, don't be tempted to give up and give in when it gets difficult; and it will, believe me.

Just keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up on your wife. Don't give up on your marriage. You give your very best guys, your very best!

Emotional Divorce

Warning Signs/Symptoms of Emotional Divorce

Easier to talk at length with almost anyone other than spouse
Holds grudges against spouse
Personal activities seem to have gradually excluded spouse
Holds onto resentments which are remembered during arguments
Has friendlier feelings towards others than spouse
Impatient
Draws children to self for emotional companionship
Attracted to pornography (men) or romance novels (women)
Addicted to TV sports or “soaps” to the neglect of relationship duties
Not paying attention when spouse speaks
Frequent arguments/fights
Busy “religious” schedule doesn’t leave enough time for spouse
Gives marriage advice, knowing it is not being personally applied
Becoming depressed at the thought of going home (If you discover that you can identify with at least five of the symptoms above, you will want to consider the next checklist…)


Emotionally Divorced, in Fact (Previous symptoms plus the following)

Separate lifestyle and activities
Habitually going to bed at different times (for reasons other than health or job)
Discontinued sex life
Virtually no conversation with spouse
Rage or Silence
Mostly condemning of spouse’s character through negative reports
An unusually close friend or confidant of the opposite sex
Plotting vengeance
Separate friendships
Finds married life depressing
Contemplating “legal” divorce
Feelings of hopelessness
Constantly patronizing spouse (anything to avoid conflicts) but holding bitterness

Excerpted from Looking Good on the Outside – An exposition of emotional divorce – by Ken Nair – Lifepartners

That's How You Know!

Giselle:
How does she know you love her?
How does she know she's yours?

Man:
How does she know that you love her?

Giselle:
How do you show her you love her?

Both:
How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?
How does she know that you love her?
How do you show her you love her?
How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?

Giselle:
It's not enough to take the one you love for granted
You must remind her, or she'll be inclined to say...
"How do I know he loves me?"
(How does she know that you love her?
How do you show her you love her?)
"How do I know he's mine?"
(How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?)

Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind?
Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey? Heyy!
He'll find a new way to show you, a little bit everyday
That's how you know, that's how you know!
He's your love...

Man:
You've got to show her you need her
Don't treat her like a mind reader
Each day do something to need her
To believe you love her

Giselle:
Everybody wants to live happily ever after
Everybody wants to know their true love is true...
How do you know he loves you?
(How does she know that you love her?
How do you show her you need her?)
How do you know he's yours?
(How does she know that you really, really, truely-)

Well does he take you out dancin' just so he can hold you close?
Dedicate a song with words in
Just for you? Ohhh!

All:
He'll find his own way to tell you
With the little things he'll do
That's how you know
That's how you know!

Giselle:
He's your love
He's your love...

That's how you know
(la la la la la la la la)
He loves you
(la la la la la la la la)
That's how you know
(la la la la la la la la)
It's true
(la la la la la)

Because he'll wear your favorite color
Just so he can match your eyes
Rent a private picnic
By the fires glow-oohh!

All:
His heart will be yours forever
Something everyday will show
That's how you know
(That's how you know)
That's how you know
(That's how you know)
That's how you know!

Giselle:
He's your love...

Man:
That's how she knows that you love her
That's how you show her you love her

Giselle:
That's how you know...
That's how you know...
He's your love...

Husbands, Be Like Jesus

For the next several weeks, the Testimony Tuesday posts will be excerpts taken from Joel and Kathy Davisson's God Save My Marriage Forum. Much of what is written over there and the stories of other Christian couples working to get their marriages restored is really amazing and we encourage you to check it out, get registered (it's free) and start a thread of your own story. You will find much help and gain a lot of knowledge and support from the moderators (including Michael and me), Joel and Kathy, and other husbands and wives learning how to have an Outrageously Happy Marriage!

Today we give you a post from Pure In Heart (her forum name) who is a prolific poster on the boards and who's own story of a restored marriage is nothing short of amazing! Remember, the core message of this ministry is a husband going first to win his bride just as Christ (the husband) went first to win us (the bride).

God is clear about His design for marriage. It is actually so simple and yet profound. It is uncluttered with rules and regulations and only develops our relationship skills, so that, not only are both valued and loved but we know God in deeper ways because of it.

That to me is heaven on earth. It is that sublime picture of salvation. In the midst of many religious thoughts and systems there is ONE that is unique and uncommon among all the other gods. It is God's truest picture of love. God wanted a bride and a family to love. He sent a bridegroom to die, so that, in light of the revelation of that love, her heart would respond to His sacrifice for her.

God came to her. She did not first come to Him. He died for her...she did not die for God.

His sacrifice was so far-reaching and His love so perfect it would heal her and make her whole without any flaw or noticeable defect. She would be washed and holy and blameless. Her heart would freely respond, not out of obligation or sense of duty or fear but because she must love Him back.

She was never forced or demanded to love. No conditions. No earning it. She was not threatened or bruised in spirit to make her submit to His will and purpose, she wanted to, as He made her secure and safe. He could be trusted; after all, He willingly proved it with His own life.

Husbands, Be like Jesus...

Remember to join us tonight at 7pm (pst) for our weekly marriage ministry call. 512-716-6531 access code is 981128#. You can just mute your phone out and listen in or speak up, introduce yourself (you may use a fake name if it makes you more comfortable, many people use their forum names) and ask us a question or get some specific help for your marriage. These calls can be very raw and emotional at times and are a great way to get started moving forward.

Remember, if we can do it....You Can Do It Too!

From One Husband To Another

I (Michael) found this today while browsing Joel and Kathy's marriage forum and wanted to share it with you; especially if you're a husband like me. It was written by another husband who also helps out in this ministry with his wife and is really great advice when we guys become self-focused and how to move out of that when we find ourselves there. Moving out of this brings much healing to our wives and helps us continue to mature as husbands and men of God.


Here's a few warning signs I look for that indicate self-focus:

1. I feel strongly contrary to whatever she is talking about.
   
2. I feel I am right.
   
3. I feel she is missing something important.
   
4. I feel angry.
   
5. I feel I know more about whatever she is talking about.
   
6. I feel like walking out.
   
7. She gets angrier
   
8. She shuts up and walks away.
   
9. She tells me 'I don't have the HS.

And here's a few things I try to do to put the focus on my wife when I notice any of the above:

1. Pray for understanding (immediate side benefit - takes my mind off myself for the duration of the prayer)
   
2. Tell myself that she doesn't speak Mannish. (her native tongue is Womanese). Many of her 'feely' words when directly translated are pretty combative in Mannish.
   
3. Reach out and hold her.
   
4. Close my eyes momentarily and breath deeply.
   
5. Try to remember she is His daughter, and I WILL have to answer to him.
   
6. Relax my face.
   
7. Look into her eyes like I would someone lying hurt in a hospital bed.
   
8. Soften the tone of my voice.
   
9. Deny nothing.
   
10. Occasionally, He blesses me with an overwhelming compassion for her. In these blessed moments try to do all the above. Then I thank Him for his compassion for me.