Fear Of Intimacy ~ Part 2

This week we continue to speak about the fear of intimacy and this comes from my (Annalea's) point of view as it's somehting I struggle with myself. Today we share more of the conversation that took place on our Tuesday night call a couple of weeks ago when we spoke with "C" (the husband) and "L" (the wife) who struggle with this in their own marriage.

Part 2

C (said to Annalea): A lot of what you were just talking about makes sense to me. As a kid, I grew up on the computer or reading books or lost in my drawing pad because I had a hard time connecting with people. The first time I did have a connection, when I was dating L, I didn’t know how it was supposed to play out. I wanted to be friends with her and get to know her and open up my heart to hear. After we got married though, I wanted to play video games for 4-5 hours like I used to do when I was a kid. I could connect to that like you said earlier about knitting or scrapbooking. When I’m done with it I put it down and when I want it I pick it right back up.

Like you were saying, there’s no emotional connection when I work on the car; it’s not requiring anything of me and I get to feel good about fixing something that wouldn’t have fixed itself. I understand a lot of what you were saying and it’s easy to say DIE TO SELF but at the same time how does that play out? How does it click and just happen?

Honestly we can read the words DIE TO SELF in big bold letters and we know that, as believers, that we are all called to do it; it becomes a conscious choice that we make. You have to force yourself at times ~ I have to force myself at times. I’m not kidding. Michael and I both work out of home and Michael is amazing. As far as I’m concerned, I have the best husband in the universe and he serves me and he serves our children and he’s incredible and we tell husbands to be this way with their wife and she’s just going to bless your socks off and there are so many times when I’ll be sitting there doing something I'm totally into and enjoying (knitting, scrapbooking, etc.) and Michael will say, “I’m getting hungry” which is legitimate because it will be close to lunch time and I’m thinking, “…oh crap! This means I need to get up and go into the kitchen and make him something. Can’t he just make himself and sandwich or a damn bowl of cereal? I mean come on can't he see that I'm in the middle of something?” I’m not going to lie to you, these are the thoughts that go through my head sometimes and I catch myself and I think Oh my God, what is wrong with me? That is so selfish! And so what do I do? I die to self and I get up and go to the kitchen and make him something to eat.

Having thoughts like these isn’t wrong. When we get into trouble is when those thoughts turn into how we do life instead of recognizing the thoughts for what they are and making a choice not to live them out. What’s needed is to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2Cor 10:5): I’m not going to be selfish with my husband or selfish with my wife. I’m going to go and make him something to eat or I’m going to go and make her a bubble bath and light candles and I’m going to take her to The Olive Garden and we’re going to enjoy it because that’s what SHE wants. I don’t care that I want to be home working on the car because you know what? The car’s going to be there tomorrow but there’s a very real possibility that your wife (or you) won’t be because we’re not promised tomorrow. This is where dying to self becomes a choice that you make. God, more of You less of me. L is in a position to guide you towards Christlikeness ~ where you allow her, in a safe way, to say to you, “C, you’re in that 'me' mode.” And you reply, “Baby I’m so sorry, you’re right. I’m going to wash up and take you out to dinner,” and you do it and let yourself enjoy her.

Kathy Davisson would tell me all the time, Annalea, you need to give yourself permission to enjoy Michael and your children. It’s okay. I have to remind myself of that a lot. Michael and I will be in bed getting ready to make love and my mind is all over the place and I get so frustrated that all I want to do is turn on the television and zone out. And I say, “No enjoy your husband…enjoy him.” I’ve already lost one husband to death. I don’t want to lose Michael. I want to enjoy him. God’s blessed me with him, God’s blessed you with L. Enjoy her. You might actually have fun in the process. What a concept!

I so recognize this in myself, C. The bottom line is that disengaging and not being emotionally available doesn’t serve you, your family, your marriage or even your children. Is there anything wrong with knitting or playing video games? Not at all. It becomes a problem though when it takes the place of others who need us when, in actuality, we need them too.


  1. wow...this is so good...my problem right now is that...i don't have connection with my husband...in the way we communicate...with our parenting...time together...dinner together as a family....no resolution of conflict....it's basically my problem....and I have to make a choice to be the loving forgiving wife as God called me...at the same time not put up with the dilusion that there is a problem and it's not all of me. in other words, draw a healthy line and try to communicate in love and be tender that hey...can we talk like grown-ups and get this resolved w/o the defensive walls up and fighting words....or what???? my heart is steadfast on God's promises that He will deliver me and rescue me from this hell in my marriage. Thank you Jesus. Im learning to fall completely in love with Jesus, making Him my everything. That is the cry of my heart is for God's presence and His blessings in my life.

  2. Hi Anonymous,

    Thanks for your comment. There is hope for your marriage. God never intended for our marriages to be a hell. He loves His children and wants us to be happy and fulfilled in our relationship with our spouse.

    We'd like to personally invite you and your husband to join our weekly calls....they're really helpful. You may stay anonymous or speak up; either way you'll be validated in what you're feeling and learn that you're not alone in this type of struggle. Many many Christian marriages experience the same struggles that you and your husband are going through.