Should Sex Be The Solution...

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about conferences for women wherein the speaker(s) exhorts married women to entice their husbands by actively participate in ‘sexing up’ the relationship between the two of them. You know, things like wearing sexy lingerie, giving their bedroom a romantic makeover, giving their husband a lap dance, incorporating adult toys into lovemaking, pole dancing…you get the idea. All exciting options for a husband and wife to enjoy together and I’m sure Michael would love there to be a pole in our bedroom or to have me on his lap dressed in some diaphanous scrap of nothing (which would quickly be off of me in any case). For us, there’s a deep level of safety and trust that allows for this kind of….expansion… in our sex life which is largely due to the fact that Michael has been proactive in being a godly husband by living with me in understanding, initiating life into our marriage and pursuing me in a loving way.

For a lot of wives, seeking to turn her husband’s heart towards her via sex has been nothing but an unsuccessful attempt to bring emotional closeness and intimacy to the relationship and for them, it's felt like one-sided trampy, slutty sex instead of fun, erotic sex enjoyed by the two of them. And it’s not because she’s not beautiful or sexy or willing.

Recently, I was set to interview a woman who puts together conferences like the one mentioned above; here’s a snippet of an email I sent her:

I'm very much looking forward to interviewing you and learning more about you, your conference and talking about the importance of sex and romance within marriage.

The sexual relationship between a husband and wife is an area where a lot of the couples we minister to struggle; be it from neglect, complacency, abuse, adultery, etc., and this would be something that I would like to get your perspective on, along with a husband's role in helping his wife feel safe enough with him that she'd be willing to deepen her intimate relationship with him and with God as she begins to explore the godliness of being a sexy wife.
In truth, most of the Christian wives we talk with have gone down the "try to be more sexy" road in order to win over their husbands and they've had a very negative experience.

This may be a bit of a different spin on things for you with regard to your ministry; we really talk a lot on a husband's role in the marriage insofar as him being a source of life and strength to his wife, living in understanding with her, laying his life down for her and loving her unconditionally and him being an initiator with her instead of a responder.

I haven’t heard back from her since I sent this over a week ago which I find kind of telling and sort of sad, really. Sex is an important, precious and integral part of a marriage and we teach couples that when a husband is being with his wife the way God calls him to and the way her heart needs, she’ll naturally respond positively; mirroring back the love she receives. As a result, the couple experiences an incredible, organic flow of giving and receiving between them that flows into every aspect of their marriage and makes it better…including the sex. This is what it looks like for Michael and me as we've moved forward in our restoration ~ rather than sex being the solution for keeping us together (which never works), it's become a part of the answer that draws us ever towards one another.


  1. You sure do have a way with words. You said so much that is so important in just the exact words. So much truth. Thank you Annalea for ALL you do you. We love you and M so.
    Julie Truth

  2. I LOVE this. You always speak so much truth. Thank you for sharing this.

  3. To some extent I think it is a matter of who has been withholding what. If the husband has been cold, distant, or unsafe, then I would agree it's all on him.

    OTOH, when a man has done a decent job of being what a husband should be, and his bride has withheld her love, approval, or body, then it's on her.

    I've seen both - men who are not doing what is right, and men who are doing what is right for a wife who is not.