6.27.2010

Good Orgasm Bad Marriage


Michael and I had lots of sex in our bad days. Lots of great sex actually which was about the only good thing between us that we could lay claim to back then. We thought sex = love and love = sex.

With all the craziness we experienced together back then and both of us feeling so out of control, we resorted to sex as a way to solve our problems, when in reality we were only burying the issues under a false sense of closeness. Those times we joined together in sexual intimacy we relieved our relational pain (without solving it) and made ourselves (and each other) feel good knowing that when the high wore off, we'd be right back to where we'd started. We were a product of our collective emotional arrestedness that said, "I'm only okay (loved, accepted, valued, etc.)/the relationship is in tact if Michael/Annalea has sex with me.

So....good orgasms; ├╝ber bad marriage.

I (Michael) thought - like many husbands - that if my wife would have sex with me whenever I wanted her to and however I wanted her to then our marriage would be fine. I'd be accepted by her, my need to feel like a man would be fulfilled and SHAZAAM! I'd get the wife I wanted....and somehow, I'd get this marriage thing right.

The opposite happened. Annalea did give me sex whenever I wanted, the problem was that I wanted it during times that I'd been verbally and/or emotionally abusive towards her (to assuage my insecurities) so all her having sex with me did was reinforce my bad behavior towards her and I didn't change into the man she needed me to be nor did I get the wife that I needed and wanted.

My thoughts and arguments weren't only flawed, they weren't scriptural. If Annalea gives me sex, then things will be fine, great, whatever. So not true! I discovered that the way to a great and happy marriage was to choose first to treat Annalea with a Christ-like love. Then as I stayed obedient to the Lord, trusting Him and trusting that Annalea would respond positively toward me as I chose to treat her the way God called me to, our marriage did turn around. This was (and continues to be) nothing short of a miracle.

Annalea and I both grew up in broken homes so neither of us saw our parents in a happy, whole marriage. Instead we became the products of infidelity, alcoholism, divorce, physical abuse, control, sexual molestation, drug use, promiscuity; perhaps some of the things that you yourself experienced growing up. For us to be happily married is a first in who knows how many generations in our respective families.

It's our heart's desire that you experience this kind of transformation in your own marriage. Seriously, if we can do it....You Can Do It Too!

3 comments:

  1. M&A,

    The corollary to this false postulate is that a woman's orgasm is proof that she is wanting and enjoying both the sex and the man she is having sex with.
    While the whole relationship thing means women are more likely to find it difficult to enjoy sex in a bad marriage, there are plenty of women who climax but hate the sex and their husband.

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  2. Michael and Annalea.

    This is so freeing...man, oh man, such truth.

    Thank you for your boldness and transparency. Gosh, we have been in so much denial. This has really opened our eyes.

    We so want to be like you guys when we grow up. Soooo dang wise.

    Amazing!!! Our jaws are still hanging open.

    D & L
    working towards an OHM

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  3. The reverse of this post is also true. A wife will often assume that because the "friendship" in the marriage seems good, that the marriage is good regardless of her largely refusing sex. To her it can seem like a small trouble area the HE is frustrated with. A husband can have a great friendship with his wife but be miserable in the marriage because of long term consistent sexual refusal.

    LS

    (caveat: While it is generally true that it is the wife that will be the lower drive partner, this is not always the case.)

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