Marriage Restoration Success

Michael landed on something great during one of our weekly ministry calls a couple of weeks ago; Guys ~ get out of your wife's head. Don't assume how your wife will react to something you do or say. Instead, do the right thing (be Christlike) and let her decide how to react.

Trust that when you do the right things, the desire that God has put into her heart will come back to life toward you and then enjoy the results when she begins to respond warmly. Don't decide that she is going to reject you and then live from that. Get out of her head.

Ladies: Get out of husband's head. Enjoy his positive words and actions when he does them. Don't get into why he's doing them, how he's feeling about them, or if he want to do them....just enjoy the positive actions and words of love. Let him fight his own battles in getting his flesh to die and getting his heart and head into the right place.

Assuming that you know what the other is thinking and feeling can work against you and the marriage. Remember, you're both coming from a different place now so don't set each other up for failure. Walk out what you're learning together and set your marriage up for success!

Hope to have you both join us on the call tonight at 7pm! Dial in information can be found in the side bar to the right so don't be shy!

We care about your marriage!

Good Orgasm Bad Marriage

Michael and I had lots of sex in our bad days. Lots of great sex actually which was about the only good thing between us that we could lay claim to back then. We thought sex = love and love = sex.

With all the craziness we experienced together back then and both of us feeling so out of control, we resorted to sex as a way to solve our problems, when in reality we were only burying the issues under a false sense of closeness. Those times we joined together in sexual intimacy we relieved our relational pain (without solving it) and made ourselves (and each other) feel good knowing that when the high wore off, we'd be right back to where we'd started. We were a product of our collective emotional arrestedness that said, "I'm only okay (loved, accepted, valued, etc.)/the relationship is in tact if Michael/Annalea has sex with me.

So....good orgasms; über bad marriage.

I (Michael) thought - like many husbands - that if my wife would have sex with me whenever I wanted her to and however I wanted her to then our marriage would be fine. I'd be accepted by her, my need to feel like a man would be fulfilled and SHAZAAM! I'd get the wife I wanted....and somehow, I'd get this marriage thing right.

The opposite happened. Annalea did give me sex whenever I wanted, the problem was that I wanted it during times that I'd been verbally and/or emotionally abusive towards her (to assuage my insecurities) so all her having sex with me did was reinforce my bad behavior towards her and I didn't change into the man she needed me to be nor did I get the wife that I needed and wanted.

My thoughts and arguments weren't only flawed, they weren't scriptural. If Annalea gives me sex, then things will be fine, great, whatever. So not true! I discovered that the way to a great and happy marriage was to choose first to treat Annalea with a Christ-like love. Then as I stayed obedient to the Lord, trusting Him and trusting that Annalea would respond positively toward me as I chose to treat her the way God called me to, our marriage did turn around. This was (and continues to be) nothing short of a miracle.

Annalea and I both grew up in broken homes so neither of us saw our parents in a happy, whole marriage. Instead we became the products of infidelity, alcoholism, divorce, physical abuse, control, sexual molestation, drug use, promiscuity; perhaps some of the things that you yourself experienced growing up. For us to be happily married is a first in who knows how many generations in our respective families.

It's our heart's desire that you experience this kind of transformation in your own marriage. Seriously, if we can do it....You Can Do It Too!

Wedded Bliss

Our Testimony Tuesday video may be a day late but it's definitely not short on a great message - that of Wedded Bliss! We actually filmed it last Thursday (hence, the first night reference to the Laker/Celtic game!) at a wedding that we went to and felt it was the perfect place to look back and reflect on where we were when we first married and where we are now, 6 years later and 3 years into our marriage restoration.

Solid As A Rock!

You can be too!






SOLID AS A ROCK by Ashford and Simpson (oh yeah....)

And for love's sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave
And soon both of us learned to trust
Not run away, it was no time to play
We build it up and build it up and build it up

And now it's solid
Solid as a rock
That's what this love is
That's what we've got, oh, mmm...

Solid
Solid as a rock
And nothing's changed it
The thrill is still hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot

You didn't turn away
When the sky went gray
Somehow we managed
We had to stick together

You didn't bat an eye
When I made you cry
We knew down the line
We would make it better

And for love's sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave
And soon both of us learned to trust
Not run away, it was no time to play
We build it up and build it up and build it up

Now it's solid
Solid as a rock [Ooh]
That's what this love is
That's what we've got

Solid
Solid as a rock
And nothing's changed it
The thrill is still hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot

And with that feeling we were willing to take a chance
So against all odds, we made a start
We got serious (Ooh), this wouldn't turn to dust
We build it up and build it up and build it up

And now it's solid
Solid as a rock
That's what this love is
That's what we've got!

And The Two Shall Become One Flesh

I used to think that becoming 'one flesh' just applied to the sexual aspect of marriage and while that's part of it, Michael and I are learning that it's really SO much more! Today we talk about what that looks like for us and what it can look like for you too!

Remember to join us this evening for our weekly marriage ministry call at 7pm (pst)!

Be blessed!

High Expectations!

I'm not sure about you, but before I ever got married I would often hear and read that I shouldn't have high expectations of my marriage or my husband because they're weren't realistic and would just cause failure. I heard a lot along the lines of, "...that's just how men are" and "...all that changes after you get married."

Since I didn't hear anything to the contrary I just assumed that that's what I should expect which wasn't a comforting thought, to say the least. In my first marriage, my husband and I hardly ever made love and when I would bring it up to him, he would tell me that that was normal for most marriages and I would respond with, "but why does our marriage have to be like 'most marriages'?"

Think about it, when our husbands were dating and courting us, they gave us compliments, held our hands, told us we were beautiful, took us out, bought us gifts, talked with us on the phone until late into the night, sent us flowers, shared their hopes and dreams, wore cologne, laughed with us, sent us cards....THIS, my fine gentlemen, is what we said YES to. We blossomed beneath this treatment and responded in kind. I mean, who wouldn't right? And yet, for some inexplicable reason, most of these wonderful things stopped happening shortly after 'I Do' or not long after the first year or two of marriage.

Remember though, we were told (and I'm sure guys were to) not to have high expectations of our marriages and husbands so we just accepted that this is how it was supposed to be.

The net result? Sadness, boredom, settling, physical and emotional affairs, unhappiness, depression, prozac, romance novels, alcohol, poor self image, overeating, making the children our priority, crying, yelling, checking out....divorce.

We tried. Oh man, did we try! With the broken record playing in the background that said that's just how men are, that's just how women are, that's just marriage, that's what happens after you have kids, at least he doesn't hit you or sleep around, at least she's a good cook and keeps the house clean, at least you still have sex sometimes...

We stop having high expectations of one another and for our marriages because we're told to.

Here's the thing though...high expectations within our marriages can be embraced and realized. God has high expectations of us and for us and there's no reason at all why that shouldn't hold true in marriage. So go ahead, think big! Ladies, expect your husband to pursue you as he did when you were dating. Expect him to treat you like a queen. Guys, expect your wife to blossom like a rose when you are being that man that God has called you to be and loving her with a Christ-like love. Expect to be able to meet her needs and become the man of her dreams.

Do this, and she will become the woman of yours!

Promise!

Emotional Divorce

Warning Signs/Symptoms of Emotional Divorce

Easier to talk at length with almost anyone other than spouse
Holds grudges against spouse
Personal activities seem to have gradually excluded spouse
Holds onto resentments which are remembered during arguments
Has friendlier feelings towards others than spouse
Impatient
Draws children to self for emotional companionship
Attracted to pornography (men) or romance novels (women)
Addicted to TV sports or “soaps” to the neglect of relationship duties
Not paying attention when spouse speaks
Frequent arguments/fights
Busy “religious” schedule doesn’t leave enough time for spouse
Gives marriage advice, knowing it is not being personally applied
Becoming depressed at the thought of going home (If you discover that you can identify with at least five of the symptoms above, you will want to consider the next checklist…)


Emotionally Divorced, in Fact (Previous symptoms plus the following)

Separate lifestyle and activities
Habitually going to bed at different times (for reasons other than health or job)
Discontinued sex life
Virtually no conversation with spouse
Rage or Silence
Mostly condemning of spouse’s character through negative reports
An unusually close friend or confidant of the opposite sex
Plotting vengeance
Separate friendships
Finds married life depressing
Contemplating “legal” divorce
Feelings of hopelessness
Constantly patronizing spouse (anything to avoid conflicts) but holding bitterness

Excerpted from Looking Good on the Outside – An exposition of emotional divorce – by Ken Nair – Lifepartners

Fear Of Intimacy ~ Part 2

This week we continue to speak about the fear of intimacy and this comes from my (Annalea's) point of view as it's somehting I struggle with myself. Today we share more of the conversation that took place on our Tuesday night call a couple of weeks ago when we spoke with "C" (the husband) and "L" (the wife) who struggle with this in their own marriage.

Part 2

C (said to Annalea): A lot of what you were just talking about makes sense to me. As a kid, I grew up on the computer or reading books or lost in my drawing pad because I had a hard time connecting with people. The first time I did have a connection, when I was dating L, I didn’t know how it was supposed to play out. I wanted to be friends with her and get to know her and open up my heart to hear. After we got married though, I wanted to play video games for 4-5 hours like I used to do when I was a kid. I could connect to that like you said earlier about knitting or scrapbooking. When I’m done with it I put it down and when I want it I pick it right back up.

Like you were saying, there’s no emotional connection when I work on the car; it’s not requiring anything of me and I get to feel good about fixing something that wouldn’t have fixed itself. I understand a lot of what you were saying and it’s easy to say DIE TO SELF but at the same time how does that play out? How does it click and just happen?

Honestly we can read the words DIE TO SELF in big bold letters and we know that, as believers, that we are all called to do it; it becomes a conscious choice that we make. You have to force yourself at times ~ I have to force myself at times. I’m not kidding. Michael and I both work out of home and Michael is amazing. As far as I’m concerned, I have the best husband in the universe and he serves me and he serves our children and he’s incredible and we tell husbands to be this way with their wife and she’s just going to bless your socks off and there are so many times when I’ll be sitting there doing something I'm totally into and enjoying (knitting, scrapbooking, etc.) and Michael will say, “I’m getting hungry” which is legitimate because it will be close to lunch time and I’m thinking, “…oh crap! This means I need to get up and go into the kitchen and make him something. Can’t he just make himself and sandwich or a damn bowl of cereal? I mean come on can't he see that I'm in the middle of something?” I’m not going to lie to you, these are the thoughts that go through my head sometimes and I catch myself and I think Oh my God, what is wrong with me? That is so selfish! And so what do I do? I die to self and I get up and go to the kitchen and make him something to eat.

Having thoughts like these isn’t wrong. When we get into trouble is when those thoughts turn into how we do life instead of recognizing the thoughts for what they are and making a choice not to live them out. What’s needed is to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2Cor 10:5): I’m not going to be selfish with my husband or selfish with my wife. I’m going to go and make him something to eat or I’m going to go and make her a bubble bath and light candles and I’m going to take her to The Olive Garden and we’re going to enjoy it because that’s what SHE wants. I don’t care that I want to be home working on the car because you know what? The car’s going to be there tomorrow but there’s a very real possibility that your wife (or you) won’t be because we’re not promised tomorrow. This is where dying to self becomes a choice that you make. God, more of You less of me. L is in a position to guide you towards Christlikeness ~ where you allow her, in a safe way, to say to you, “C, you’re in that 'me' mode.” And you reply, “Baby I’m so sorry, you’re right. I’m going to wash up and take you out to dinner,” and you do it and let yourself enjoy her.

Kathy Davisson would tell me all the time, Annalea, you need to give yourself permission to enjoy Michael and your children. It’s okay. I have to remind myself of that a lot. Michael and I will be in bed getting ready to make love and my mind is all over the place and I get so frustrated that all I want to do is turn on the television and zone out. And I say, “No enjoy your husband…enjoy him.” I’ve already lost one husband to death. I don’t want to lose Michael. I want to enjoy him. God’s blessed me with him, God’s blessed you with L. Enjoy her. You might actually have fun in the process. What a concept!

I so recognize this in myself, C. The bottom line is that disengaging and not being emotionally available doesn’t serve you, your family, your marriage or even your children. Is there anything wrong with knitting or playing video games? Not at all. It becomes a problem though when it takes the place of others who need us when, in actuality, we need them too.

A Burden Lifted, A Heart Healed, A Husband Loved

I really should wait and save this for a Testimony Tuesday post because it's definitely a testimony of the journey that Michael and I are on. I can't though. It's so precious to my heart that I need to share it with you right now.

If you're familiar with our story, you'll know that, in our bad days, Michael would constantly accuse me of infidelity. It didn't matter who, what, where or when. One of the people he accused me of this with was someone very dear to my heart and who, along with his wife, had played a pivotal role in my life after Jeff died. During my third separation from Michael, I shared this with this person and his wife; we were all broken hearted about it. Since then, I've never felt able to partake of the closeness of heart that we all used to share.

It's been a heavy burden on my heart for a long time.

Fast forward to today. Michael and I have a completely different relationship and marriage than we did three years ago and much healing has taken place. And it still is. We're going to be holding our first Marriage Intensive next month and something we decided to do to get the word out was to send out a letter of introduction letting people know about our ministry and our desire to help out other couples.

One of the people we contacted was my friend that I mentioned above. I'll tell you, I was very apprehensive about this. In addition to sending a letter, Michael sent him and his wife an email. In it, he owned what he'd done in the past, sincerely apologized and asked their forgiveness. When I read it, I broke and started crying. I hugged him and thanked him and kissed him and told him that I'd been carrying this burden around for so long. He hugged me and apologized and cried with me. It meant so much to me.

I feel so much lighter now. Safer too. I continue to be amazed at how our marriage has evolved over the last few years; that we've come from a place of utter despair to one of ministering to others and asking them to take a look at hope....try it on for size....to be willing to let it out or take it in as the case may be. I love Michael deeply. I'm blessed that Michael continues to bring healing to my heart and I love God for knowing what I've always wanted to be....

A woman at rest.

Fear Of Intimacy ~ Part 1

This week we’re talking about an issue that comes up a lot on our weekly calls ~ the fear of intimacy. Usually, it seems men are more afflicted with this than women, though I definitely fall into this category myself. Last Tuesday night, we had a great conversation with a couple who we’ll refer to as “C” (the husband) and “L” (the wife). Since it’s a rather long post in its entirety, we’ll be splitting it up over the next few weeks.

C: One of the symptoms of a passive aggressive man is a fear of intimacy; he feels like he can’t share his life and feelings and doesn’t want to get close. He’ll tell you he does but his actions and words say otherwise. I guess I don’t really understand why that would be the case. I want to be with my wife and I love spending time with her and I do love sharing life with her. She says I sabotage any chance we have at that. I don’t intentionally do that. My mind is always there. The whole focus is supposed to be on my wife and I understand that. I want to help myself understand

I asked L to give us an example of a time when C sabotaged the relationship and she shared the following example:

L: On Valentines Day we received a gift card to The Olive Garden. Since there are only 3 of them in our state it would be a bit of a drive to get there and so we would need to leave early to get there at a reasonable hour. C wanted to work on his car that day and had been doing so for most of it. He knew what time we’d have to leave and I would remind but by the time he stopped working on his car it was too late.

Last week was our anniversary and though C made plans they fell through so I helped him out. I gave him an idea and he called to make reservations and get things ready. Sadly, there were no emotional connections or romance at all during the weekend. It’s not as if he doesn’t know what I like either. Even trying to be intimate over the weekend was very very forced – no connection going on. He didn’t initiate any intimacy throughout the day so at night there was nothing there which put a damper on the whole evening and therefore the whole weekend. Instead of initiating things that would make it better, he sat there licking his wounds and feeling bad for himself.

At this point, I muted out our phone and asked Michael if he thought I struggled with a fear of intimacy and he said yes and I said do you think I’m getting better and he said, oh definitely. I think so too though I know it still lives within me so I shared the following with both C and L.

This is something I’ve noticed about myself and the reasoning behind it for me is that if I’m going to be in an intimate situation with someone (not necessarily sexual intimacy) where there’s emotion required of me, I have a difficult time going there; wherever “there” happens to be. If I’m going to allow myself to have an emotional connection with my husband or even with my children, it’s going to require me to step out of my comfort zone. And if I’m going to do that I have to be prepared for whatever shows up; anger, tears, anxiety, correction, worry …anything which is uncomfortable for me and so I’d rather not engage that person on a deep emotional level. It’s very easy for me to be surfacey and say something like, “I just cooked you this incredible meal, isn’t that enough? Why do you have to sit down next to me on the couch and be super close to me and want to talk with me?” That probably sounds really weird coming from a woman but I get like that.

I know this stems from my own arrested development; of being a child who was taught to be seen and not heard so that waves weren’t made between my mom and I or anybody because, I thought, if I became emotional and voiced what I was really feeling than I risked someone getting upset with me. So, rather than risk that I would just be quiet, keep stuff inside and amuse myself or be unobtrusive.

How that shows up now looks like this: me spending an entire day knitting or scrapbooking or being on the computer or making something and feeling frustrated when I have to stop what I’m doing, get up and attend to the needs of my children and even Michael.

Knitting or crafting….they don’t require anything of me. They’re made up of inanimate objects that I work with. They don’t care if I pick them up for a few days and then set them down for two months. They don’t care that I haven’t taken them anywhere or sat down with them for a visit or made love or asked them how they’re doing. Just like with a car. The car doesn’t car whether or not it’s going to The Olive Garden. It doesn’t care if it gets worked on or washed; it doesn’t have any feelings and won’t require anything of C. It’s the same with another couple in the ministry. He loves to be in his garage. He doesn’t come home and connect with his wife ~ he comes home and hangs out in the garage. She goes out there and tries to connect with him and he barely looks at her.

I assert that passive aggressive people have a real fear of intimacy because intimacy requires emotion which can require a level of discomfort and that, I believe (and speaking from my own experience), is what holds us back. I know it holds me back. I’m getting better at it because of the way Michael is being with me now. This is one of those things that Joel and Kathy mean when they teach that as a husband brings healing to his wife her issues will go away and whatever’s left over she’ll work on with the Lord and a lot of this is happening now in our marriage.

Michael and I are over two years into the process and I’m beginning to see a lot of this in myself. Is it still uncomfortable to be emotional? Yes, it is. But I do it. I press in because it’s not about me and that’s the concept that people who struggle with this have to get. It’s not about them; there are others around us who require pieces of our heart for love, for validation, for help, for understanding. To share in life with. And that’s just something that requires constant death to self because it’s a very selfish way to be.

I Am Married Unto You

When I (Michael) first married Annalea I thought I knew what love looked like and that I was ready to love her with a Christ-like love. I'm discovering that I am just scratching the surface of what this truely looks like. In my journey of being a beliver, nothing in my life has shown me the heart of God more than my learning how to love Annalea in a way that is real to her. I love how Charles Spugeon discribes Christ's marriage to us His bride.

Christ Jesus is joined unto His people in marriage-union. In love He espoused His Church as a chaste virgin, long before she fell under the yoke of bondage. Full of burning affection He toiled, like Jacob for Rachel, until the whole of her purchase-money had been paid, and now, having sought her by His Spirit, and brought her to know and love Him, He awaits the glorious hour when their mutual bliss shall be consummated at the marriage-supper of the Lamb. Not yet hath the glorious Bridegroom presented His betrothed, perfected and complete, before the Majesty of heaven; not yet hath she actually entered upon the enjoyment of her dignities as His wife and queen: she is as yet a wanderer in a world of woe, a dweller in the tents of Kedar; but she is even now the bride, the spouse of Jesus, dear to His heart, precious in His sight, written on His hands, and united with His person. On earth He exercises towards her all the affectionate offices of Husband. He makes rich provision for her wants, pays all her debts, allows her to assume His name, and to share in all His wealth. Nor will He ever act otherwise to her. The word divorce He will never mention, for 'He hateth putting away.' Death must sever the conjugal tie between the most loving mortals, but it cannot divide the links of this immortal marriage. In heaven they marry not, but are as the angels of God; yet there is this one marvellous exception to the rule, for in Heaven Christ and His Church shall celebrate their joyous nuptials. This affinity as it is more lasting, so is it more near than earthly wedlock. Let the love of husband be never so pure and fervent, it is but a faint picture of the flame which burns in the heart of Jesus. Passing all human union is that mystical cleaving unto the Church, for which Christ left His Father, and became one flesh with her.

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted

I love our children.

I really do.

We just got back from a family vacation (see above for the view from our room) a few hours ago and while we were only gone for two days (count ‘em…just two), I can honestly tell you that I can happily wait until next year to do it again. The kids are just SO busy; the word RELAX is not on their radar or in their vocabulary. Plus, I’m now extremely aware of just how much Michael and I need to get away by ourselves; even if it’s just overnight (and NOT filled with activities that don’t include spa treatments, shopping, succulent foods, delicious wine and much lovemaking).

I once knew a woman who shared with us that she and her husband made a point of getting away together for a couple of days every six weeks! I am SO on board with that ~ let me tell you! And I’m determined to make it happen!

Time together for a husband and wife is vitally important; time alone together even more so. I want to encourage you both to make this a priority in your marriage. Guys, this is mainly up to you in the beginning of restoring your marriage because your wife needs you to pursue her in a positive way.

So get to booking that romantic (and relaxing) weekend for two!

Is It Worth The Effort?

Restoring your marriage may seem like the most impossible task on earth. It may fill you with a mixture of dread, hope, pessimism and longing; and you will ask yourself many times if it's really worth the effort.

We decided it was. We knew (that we knew, that we knew) that there had to be a reason....an answer for all of our struggles. How could the hopes and dreams that we'd had for our lives together be ending in such heartache and tragedy when it had started out so differently?

This week Michael and I speak about why we made the effort to restore our marriage and go from the edge of divorce to a binding of our hearts that is growing more deep each day.

Is it always easy? No.

Is it worth it? Definitely! Anything that develops our character more towards that of our Savior is always worth the effort.

Sharing Is Caring....So I'm Sharing

One of the awesome things I’ve come to love about blogging is all of the people I’ve begun to meet and learning about them and from them from reading their blogs, chatting with them on Facebook and following them on Twitter. And I must confess right now that I could easily hang out all day with my computer and a cup of coffee and be quite content. Not healthy for my marriage or for kids who want to eat so ~ word to the wise ~ don’t go there.

However, whenever I read something really great or watch a video with a powerful message about marriage and/or husbands & wives or find something that strengthens my walk with Christ, I just want to share it everyone.

So, since plagiarism is a dirty word and something I’m not given to, check out these links when you have a chance and share them with your spouse. They’ll definitely give you something to think about and, hopefully, be great conversation starters. Be sure to give credit where credit is due if you link to any of them on your own site. And don’t forget to take a look at the links and blogs listed over on the right of your screen. They’re totally worth it!

Oh My Gosh, and before I forget, Joyce Meyer is now following us on Twitter!!!! AND Michael and I were interviewed last night for a book being written about couples who were once separated and are now restored. How cool it that?!? Too excited not to share!

My Heart His Heart (keeping your harvest from being ruined)

Crosswalk – Paul Coughlin (Men need to initiate)

Without Wax (Measuring Spiritual Formation, Fighting For Control, Our Insecurity)

Paul Washer on The Purpose of Marriage (video)

Porn-Again Christian: A frank discussion on pornography and masturbation (this is an ebook)

Daddy’s Little Girl
(the above is post from an interview with the creator of Dirty Girls Ministry Crystal Renaud. Her fantastic site is here)

This should keep you busy for a while. I’ll be sure to share more great articles & videos as I come across them. Also, we often share snippets of things we come across during the week on our Tuesday night ministry calls (info to the right) so be sure to dial in!

Remember, if Michael and I can have a restored marriage….So Can YOU!

What Is Love?

This week we're mainly addressing husbands and how they love their wives. Is it on your terms guys or is the way she needs you to love her? Is it to serve you or is it the way God called you to love her...unconditionally?

The command: Husbands, love your wives.

The command fulfilled: just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

So, how are you to lead your wife? In love. What kind of love? The love of Christ. How is that demonstrated? By laying down your life for her. Notice that the bible never tells you to lay down your life for the ministry you may be involved in or for your children; but it does for your wife. Notice that it never tells you to lay down your life for your parents or you job...but it does for your wife.

Notice also, that the bible never tells a wife to lay down her life for her husband. The thing is though, she often does. Why? Because she's relational, she had dreams & hopes, she's a Proverbs 31 woman, she feels that's what's needed to hold the marriage together and because she just loves you you big dope even though you're not treating her like the daughter of God that she is.

So, stop claiming to be living as a biblical husband just because you do a few good things. If you're truly a man of God, then your wife will be more pleasing to you. You can make her bloom and grow because of your ministry to her and because you're loving her the way God has called you to and the way she needs you to.

Believe me...if Michael can do it ~ so can you!

Don't forget to join us tonight on our weekly, free conference call (info is available to the right) and be sure to pick up the resources you need here to get you started on the road to an Outrageously Happy Marriage!

Puppy Love

I recently heard a story about a little boy who had a dog. Now he’d wanted a dog for a loooonnng time; had begged and pleaded with his parents to get him one and made all kinds of promises to secure his request. One day, they relented.

Now, this boy LOVED his dog. They played together; slept together, romped around together….shared food, dreams and secrets. The two were inseparable.

After a while, though, things began to change. The little boy started to moan and complain whenever he was told to take care of the dogs needs. Everything he used to do for it became drudgery to him and he started to resent this creature that had once given him so much joy. Now, when he came home from school he walked right by the dog; didn’t pet it, play with it, kiss or walk it. He began to only do just what was needed to keep the dog alive and to keep his parents from scolding him.

Still, the dog waited patiently each day by the gate, eager for the sound of the boy’s footsteps. It wagged its tail and gave happy barks whenever it saw the boy, always ready for a romp and a tummy rub. Oh, there were times here and there when the boy decided to get the dog out and play with it and it would be just like the old days. Mostly though, the dog ended up just curling up in its bed and going to sleep.

To most of us, especially us animal lovers, this story is heart wrenching. You can just picture it, can’t you? This cute little boy and his cute little dog and all of the fun and love they shared just dying off and the dog being left alone and the boy barely giving it the time of day.

This very thing happens in so many marriages. A man meets a woman and decides he must have her. He pursues and courts her, spends countless hours thinking of her and talking with her; they share secrets and dreams…she feels loved and desired ~ he feels on top of the world. The two are inseparable. They get married and everything is wonderful.

After a short time however, the needs of his wife ~ that before he couldn’t take care of fast enough ~ become drudgery to fulfill. He begins to moan and complain. He starts to resent this woman that had once given him so much joy. He spends more and more time away from her and from their home. When she suggests they go out he says he’s too busy. When she asks what time he’ll be home from work he tells her to stop questioning him. Oh…he still wants a hot meal when he gets home, and a clean house, clean clothes, the remote control and sex…lots of sex. And she does it all because she loves him and wants to be a good and submissive wife who is what the church has told her to be if she wants to keep her marriage together which she does because her parents got divorced (which she doesn’t want) and doesn’t God hate divorce? Her husband keeps telling her that He does.

Marriage Ministry Calls

I love the marriage ministry we’re a part of. Michael and I know without a shadow of doubt, that God has used it to save our marriage when we were convinced that there was no hope and divorce papers had been filed. And at times it gives us pause to think that just two short years ago we were in complete crisis and here we are coming out on the other side day by day and helping other couples get on their way to having an Outrageously Happy Marriage just as God intended.

As we have continued to grow and get healed, we embraced the opportunity to facilitate a marriage ministry call for couples based on what this ministry teaches (namely, a man will become the husband his wife needs him to be when he becomes the man that God called him to be) and how it’s helped us in our own journey. We’ve been doing this for almost a year now and it’s been awesome to watch it grow; not just the call we moderate but the other calls that the ministry offers as well – 2 years ago, there was just one and now there are more than 8. God is good!

Every call is awesome in and of itself and for us, well…the more we teach the more we learn so they’ve definitely been a blessing to us. And, for the most part, we finish the calls feeling pretty good about how they went. Every now and then, however, some of the calls are just really emotionally draining and while we’ve been told that when we hang up, we literally need to hang up and just let everything go, sometimes that’s hard to do. Last night’s call was one such as this.

It’s not often that Michael and I feel stumped by the hurt and dysfunction we hear about in the marriages of the people we talk to – we’ve been there ourselves. But I’ve got to tell you that last night was really difficult. And this particular couple has had just about everything you can imagine happen in their marriage. I know that God can work a miracle in this marriage…I just keep wondering if they’re willing.

“Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” Psalm 142:10

I know that if Michael and I hadn’t been willing and teachable, our marriage wouldn’t be where it is today. It’s been HARD at times, really hard and most of us want the baby without the labor pains but that’s pretty much impossible. I just got off that call with a heavy heart for how much this couple is suffering only to wake up this morning with the same feeling inside. And then I think of John & Kate Gosselin and what they’re going through right now and how very sad their situation is as well (we watched that particular episode last night after the call…probably not such a good idea).

Don’t be fooled - Satan is working overtime to destroy our marriages. If he can get a foothold in them, he can take down generations in myriad ways.

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may
have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart!
I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

So today, I pray a hedge of protection around all of our marriages and our children and our children’s children and their marriages as well. Amen.

The Blood Covenant of Marriage

I really enjoy listening to Pastor Creflo Dollar and I usually do so once a week. Lately, he’s been talking about the strongest covenant known to man as being a blood covenant. This makes a lot of sense to me and, of course, the bible is filled with this type of covenant with the most important to us being that Christ shed His blood for us that we might have fellowship directly with God the Father. Not only that, the bible is divided into two covenants: the Old Covenant and the New Covenant.

Covenant in Hebrew means a cut-where-blood-flows. The purpose of covenant was to create a binding agreement, more powerful than a contract or agreement. This was to be forever - the life span of the participants, it was to be holy, sacred, to violate the covenant would mean death. The blood covenant was the ultimate insurance of loyalty and fidelity. Marriage is the closest agreement to the blood covenant in modern society and, sadly, marriage is today closer to a contract than a covenant.

Being involved in marriage ministry, I began to wonder about how a blood covenant would apply since we westerners don’t cut each other when we’re taking our vows. Simply put, it would be virginity. When a bride and groom consummate their marriage on their wedding night, as virgins, there would be a showing of blood; from her and onto him. Here’s the sad part…I had to think about this for a moment. Why? Because I wasn’t a virgin on my wedding night nor was my first husband, in fact, he wasn’t even the first man I’d ever been with sexually. And, having been previously married, there would be no physical way for there to be a showing of blood on my second wedding night and Michael and I had already been intimate with one another prior to that night. How sad it is that most of us, even Christian men and women, no longer hold fast to the sacredness of this most intimate of covenants. If we haven’t had at least one sexual partner before we get married then most of us have at least sampled the fruit with our affianced partner.

Now that Michael and I are finding our way through our marriage as God meant it to be for us, I sometimes find myself wishing that our marriage covenant had been one begun with the blood of virginity, if not literally, then lived out and treated as such.

Apology 101

Saying "sorry" to someone doesn't mean anything unless it's from your heart. Most husbands, even Christian husbands, will take the approach of a simple apology as a blanket statement to cover all of the ways they've hurt their wives throughout their marriage. Sorry guys, this really doesn't cut it. And the sad thing is that because a Christian woman wants to be perceived as a Godly wife, she will accept the apology for the mere sake of keeping peace in the home without having received any real heartfelt healing and closure from the one who hurt her.

One of the things that the marriage ministry Michael and I are involved in encourages a husband to do is to take the time to write down all of the ways that he can think of in which he knows that he's hurt his wife. The purpose of this exercise is mainly to get a husband to really think back over the course of his marriage and come into a knowledge of what he's done and then to take responsibilty for beginning to repair the damage.

What follows is Michael's apology to me. It's not fancy or flowery and it came via no prompting from me (in fact, I didn't even know he was writing it until he gave it to me). It's raw, and extremely personal (and if you ever speak with us you'll know that we don't hide our stuff because what's the point when healing is involved) and will give you real insight into what our struggles were; they don't seem very Christian at all. But they're real and, sadly, quite common among many married Christian couples no matter how those struggles show up.

Annalea, I apologize for:

Committing adultery
Going on the web looking for women
Having an emotional affair
Looking at pornography
Threatening divorce
Bankruptcy
Broken heart
Suspiciousness
Insulting you
Keeping you up at night
Poking, probing and harassing you
Driving you crazy
Not accepting your friends
Not accepting your family
Following you and having you followed
Taping you
Running a DNA test on your clothes
Checking your phone records
Having you take a polygraph
Blaming you for problems with the kids
Blaming you for our marriage problems
Being mean to you
Calling the police on you
Being physically intimate with you before marriage
Letting you drain Jack and Evan’s accounts
Not providing financially for us
Breaking promises I made to you
Saying Daniel was not my son
Allowing pornography into our bedroom and our home
Hurting your reputation
Suggesting your family and friends were covering for you
Making you, Jack and Evan move out of the house to live in a bad neighborhood
Ruining your credit
Being a hypocrite
Going to a strip club
Masturbating
Accusing you of cheating
Being a fraud
Not being the man you needed me to be
Not making your dreams come true
Not treating you like a queen

The Dog Whisperer Is A Marriage Whisperer?

If you’ve ever listened in on one of our Tuesday night conference calls, you may have heard me singing the praises of Cesar Millan a.k.a The Dog Whisperer. Michael and I think Cesar is a genius when it comes working with dogs and we’ve used many of his techniques on our own dog with great success. The reason I’ll bring him up on our calls, however, isn’t because I want to talk about how to handle a dog but because the way he teaches people about their dogs crosses over into marriage.

Excuse me….um...what?

Hold on now…I am not saying that we’re dogs. Though I believe there’s much to be learned from the animal kingdom and Cesar showed me one such way last Friday.

Cesar’s ability to rehabilitate what he calls “Red Zone” dogs is what put him on the map as a trainer. Last week, he was working with a woman who has a mobile dog grooming business and while she’s great at handling dogs, there were three that she needed his help with. The one that sticks out most in my mind for the purpose of this post is one which was very fearful of having his ears cleaned and medicated. Whenever the groomer attempted to help the dog, it jumped and squirmed and yelped and bit and scratched…whatever it could do to try to get away despite the fact that it was tied up, muzzled and not being harmed.

How did Cesar help this dog? By staying with it. Did you get that? Staying with it.

Okay…stay with me here (pun intended). When a Christian husband begins to lay down his life for his wife the way Christ called him to and bring healing to her heart, there are going to be times when she vents to him about the way he’s treated her throughout their marriage; old wounds that he hasn’t yet healed for her. And this venting can come out in many ways: yelling, crying, silence, arguing, etc. In the past, her venting would be met with the same responses from her husband and the two of them would get nowhere except to sink further into disharmony.

Now, however, this Christian husband has learned to become a safe place for his wife when she vents because he stays with her. He doesn’t get defensive, he doesn’t raise his voice, he doesn’t ignore her or walk away, he doesn’t “bite back”. He listens, he apologizes, his voice is calm, his eyes welcoming, his arms wide open to receive her.

Can I just tell you, that at the end of Cesar’s time with this particular dog, because Cesar had stayed with him, he was calm and happy. His tail was high and wagging, he was nudging Cesar affectionately and wanted to be next to him, not run away the moment he was off leash.

Husbands, listen to your wives. Become a safe place for her heart. Show her that no matter how much she vents, you’re going to be there for her, bring healing to her, stay in it with her. It will be hard sometimes and messy and ugly and that’s okay. Because when it’s over and her tears of hurt and frustration are spent, and she sees that you’re still there in front of her willing to be in relationship with her, loving her as Christ has called you to, she’ll fall into your arms with tears of love and happiness over the man of God that you’re becoming.

Feeling Safe Everyday

One of the gals I follow in Twitter, Sheila Wray Gregoire, has a great blog called To Love, Honor and Vacuum, which I really enjoy keeping up with. She has a great Wifey Wednesday topic today which really lines up with what the marriage ministry we’re involved in stresses in such a huge way – a wife feeling safe with her husband – so I wanted to post my answer to her question: How does your husband make you feel safe?

I can definitely tell you how my husband does it: he listens to my heart. He’s totally in tune with me and attentive to my needs. If I wake up at night feeling anxious or unsettled, he pulls me towards him and prays for me. He washes my hair at least twice a week and plays with my hair every night before bed. He never raises his voice to me; instead he says kind things to me and tells me everyday that I’m beautiful and sexy. He helps with the housework and the kids and he works hard for us. He’s quick to apologize. He’s completely devoted to me and our children. He’s basically just kind to me all the time.

Ever since Michael learned how to become the man that God has called him to be, he’s become the husband that I need him to be. The result? Our marriage, and my heart, have never been better and I’ve never felt safer with my husband than I do now!

Yippy Skippy!