I was recently reading a post over at The Generous Wife ~ a terrific blog and a companion to The Generous Husband ~ in which the author, Lori, speaks of men being sexually hungry in a marriage and women being emotionally hungry. She says, "You have opposing hungers and both spouses are finding it hard to give out of their emptiness."
This was an interesting post and the many comments it received and, as a wife, made me wonder....weren't our husbands meeting our emotional needs before we married them? Isn't this one of the reasons we said 'yes' when they proposed, this kind of sweet pursuit? Ladies, let's just all acknowledge right now that this was a big sexual turn on for us. And if we were sexually active with them before we married them, did we give them sex first without there being an emotional draw/connection? I don't think so.
So why do we settle for the absence of being emotionally pursued after the vows are said and take on the role of sexual initiator so that our hearts will be cherished in return? In my opinion, this is like Cinderella placing the glass slipper on Prince Charming. Totally backwards. Ick!
Now, I'm not saying that a wife should never initiate sex with her husband, not at all. I'm saying that she shouldn't feel that she has to in order to get what she needs. God calls a husband to go first in the marriage by loving his wife as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her. This is unconditional love. This is a husband dying to himself in order for his bride to live and to be cherished and nurtured (holy and without blemish, spot or wrinkle). This is what enables her to be giving in her sexuality toward her husband.
If he did it while dating, there's no excuse for him not to do it in marriage.
In my opinion, making love is one of the privileges of marriage. You both can partake of one another whenever and wherever you wish. It's a wonderful way to stay connected and bonded to each other and, I daresay, it keeps the enemy at bay. In fact, I made sure that Michael and I made love before and during (when we got home, of course) our recent Marriage Intensive; the enemy not being a fan of restoration or us teaching about it.
If you've read any of the material from God Save My Marriage or been on any of the weekly calls, (especially Joel and Kathy Davisson's), you'll have heard much talk on a wife blessing her husband with a "quickie" if she's tired or not quite in the mood yet having been blessed by him throughout the day. This is perfectly acceptable and we've been there ourselves on many occasions.
Recently however, at our last Intensive, one of the female participants and I had a bit of a light bulb moment. How about indulging in a "quickie" that, shall we say, favors the wife? I mean, there's no written rule that it has to be just for the two or just the husband, right? And...this would be a wonderful lesson in dying to self for a husband! After all, he's not going to melt if he's not the one who's concentrated on (you know what I mean - just trying to be tactful here)! So, give it go guys and gals. Husbands, bless your wife in this way and bless her often and just see if she doesn't bless you in return! And ladies, don't be afraid or hold back from asking for this.
Michael often says that we're just beginning to scratch the surface on many levels as our marriage is getting restored and I couldn't agree with him more.
Michael and I love period films and one of our favorites is the most recent rendition of Pride & Predjudice by Jane Austen (the one with Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen). Seriously, we can watch it over and over. In fact, on the forum of the marriage ministry we're involved in, our usernames are Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy; names I chose mainly based on the scene towards the end in which Mr. Darcy walks out of the mist with the single-minded determination of declaring his love for Miss Elizabeth.
Over the last two years, Michael has become that "mist"-tical Mr. Darcy for me. A man who tells me each day by word and deed that, "you have bewitched me body and soul and I love...I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." Let me give you an example.
In my first marriage, there was very little physical intimacy between me and my husband. He felt that our frequencey was normal and the same for most couples. He knew that I wanted more and at one time proposed divorce because he didn't think he'd ever be able to meet my needs in that part of our relationship (just so we're all on the up and up, my first husband and I were very sexually active for the two years before we were married and that all but ended on our wedding night). Being too afraid that he'd leave me if I pressed him, I suffered silently inside because he was great in many other ways and wasn't that enough? F.Y.I. settling is never good enough.
Now, let's talk about emotional arrestedness for a moment. Mine occured when I was 5 and sexually molested by my paternal grandfather. I grew up, believing the lie of the enemy that my worth as a person and as a woman was tied to whether or not a boy or man had sex with me. Each time my first husband refused me it sent me into a tailspin of undesirability, unfulfilled need and worthlessness that I eventually accepted a way of life.
Fast forward to the present. One night last week, Michael and I had made love and were lying next to each other kissing. All of a sudden, emotion swept through me and I began to cry. When Michael noticed, he began to wipe my tears away and asked what was coming up for me. I told him that I'd had a memory of how, when I would be lying in bed with my first husband wanting to make love and would begin to kiss him, he would immediately change the kiss from one of passion to one of 'good night' effectively shutting me down. I hadn't thought of that particular part of our relationship in years.
God's been doing this lately, bringing up memories for me that need healing and He's using Michael to bring that healing to me. My husband held me, kissed me over and over, told me how much he loved and wanted me and made love to me again to solidify the healing he'd so effectively brought to my heart in that moment.
Michael didn't shut me down. He didn't turn away from my tears or become frustrated & jealous by the fact that I brought up my first husband (something he did in our bad days). Instead he made me feel completely safe, heard and loved. He put me above himself. He freed me up to draw closer to him, to release my first husband in forgiveness, to draw closer to the Lord and to share in the mystery of us both becoming one in body and soul.
This is what it looks like when a husband becomes the man that God called him to be. He becomes the husband that his wife needs him to be and the father that his children need him to be. His marriage flourishes and he matures in his relationship with the Lord. I see this in Michael more and more each day and it's precious to behold.
My Mr. Darcy.
If he can do it guys....You Can Do It Too!
Remember to join us tonight for our free weekly marriage ministry call. The fun begins at 7pm (pst) 512.716.6531 access code is 981128# We'd be blessed to have you join us!
In the course of starting this blog, I've had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful people. Today I want to introduce you to Shula of Sensuous Wife. She has a huge heart for helping married couples fully enjoy their physical relationship in, of course, a very sensuous way. In fact, she has a tastefully done online store selling sensual products and her tag line is "Pleasure for wives and the husbands who love them." Of course, we're all for a husband treating his wife like a queen in EVERY way so we urge you to visit her blog and her store.
The following is her response to me based on a question I asked about initiating love making. I wanted to share it because physical intimacy issues come up a lot in our marriage ministry and I want to remind wives how important it is for us to let ourselves enjoy our husbands.
A wife asks: How do I initiate more?
Beloved Annalea asked this great question:
"I'm not the greatest at initiating sex with my husband. I never turn him down and I do make the occassional offer on my own. Though he never fusses at me about it, I know he'd love it if I initiated more. Any ideas?"
Well darlin, my answer is counterintuitive. If you want to really bless him, think about yourself more. I’d encourage you to initiate the things that are likely to arouse you and go for it when you find the sparks fly.
For example: In the evening, when you step out of the shower and your honey is watching TV, take a hairbrush or comb from the bathroom and walk to the bed still nekkid*, hand him the brush, and say “Baby, brush my hair” and smile. He is very likely to say yes. You’re the only smiling nekkid woman in the room.
Now, this is the most important part: Enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it. Turn your whole focus and attention on your skin and scalp and hair. Lean your naked back against your husband’s chest. Notice how good this simple skin to skin contact feels. Feel the delightful pull of the brush going through your hair. Do not be afraid to sigh and say Ahhhh. Make whatever happy sounds you feel like making.
Now this is the part where your thoughts are so important. Do not allow any other thoughts to enter your head besides “he loves me” and “this feels good” and “I love him”. If any other thoughts enter your mind, let them go, by focusing on your skin and drinking in the sensations. Imagine your spirit melting into his. Imagine his spirit melting into yours. Pretty soon, you’ll be wanting the rest of you to be touched and petted and fondled.
Move your body to expose whatever you want to be touched. Touch him back. Let yourself drink in the sensation and love you crave. Give your husband the gift of knowing his wife is totally savoring his every touch.
There are some more overt, hot ways to initiate sex and we’ll talk about those in a future post. But first, I want to encourage this more “self-focused” approach. Get very used to the idea of going to your husband for touch that is loving and feels good. Get accustomed to receiving from him and receiving well. Get in the habit of letting yourself become aroused and following it up by seeking an orgasm with your husband. Train your body and your heart to anticipate pleasure with him and you will automatically find yourself initiating more.
* according to beloved Southern humorist Lewis Grizzard, Naked is having no clothes on, Nekkid is having no clothes on when you're up to sumthin'. (grin)
Sensuous...Alive to pleasure received through the senses_+_Wife...Woman committed to enjoying her man and being enjoyed by him...for life
Michael and I don't hold with the belief that sex "isn't all that important" in a marriage. We think it's extremely important and it's very clear that the bible gives lovemaking a place of high importance in a married couple's life. Sex is designed by God to be a pleasure to both a husband and wife; it's designed to be fun and enjoyable for both spouses in giving and receiving.
This week we talk about the importance of making love, especially in the restoration process. A husband and wife bonding together regularly in this most precious and amazing way can make a huge difference in the success of the marriage.
Marriage is honorable among all and the bed undefiled. Hebrews 13:4
May your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. May her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her and also likewise the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2
Blow upon my garden that its spices may flow out. Let my beloved come to his garden and eat its pleasant fruits. Song of Solomon 4:16
