As you've been following our blog you've come to know that the ministry we're a part of that restored our marriage puts a lot of emphasis on a husband laying his life down for his wife and dying to self. We've talked about this a lot over the last several months and today I wanted to give you an illustration you could see of what this really looks like.
Many of the husbands who come into this ministry in the beginning will say that they'll do whatever it takes to win their wife's heart. They're given some basic tasks which they say they can do. They start off strong and full of energy for what's set before them but often times will only go a certain distance before they get tired and give up, claiming that they just can't go any further or die to self any more.
If you've never seen the movie FACING THE GIANTS, I really recommend you do so. There are many amazing messages within this film but I want to focus on the "Death Crawl" as an illustration of what I mentioned above. Husbands, as you begin to walk this out with your wife, don't be tempted to give up and give in when it gets difficult; and it will, believe me.
Just keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up on your wife. Don't give up on your marriage. You give your very best guys, your very best!
Easier to talk at length with almost anyone other than spouse Holds grudges against spouse Personal activities seem to have gradually excluded spouse Holds onto resentments which are remembered during arguments Has friendlier feelings towards others than spouse Impatient Draws children to self for emotional companionship Attracted to pornography (men) or romance novels (women) Addicted to TV sports or “soaps” to the neglect of relationship duties Not paying attention when spouse speaks Frequent arguments/fights Busy “religious” schedule doesn’t leave enough time for spouse Gives marriage advice, knowing it is not being personally applied Becoming depressed at the thought of going home (If you discover that you can identify with at least five of the symptoms above, you will want to consider the next checklist…)
Emotionally Divorced, in Fact (Previous symptoms plus the following)
Separate lifestyle and activities Habitually going to bed at different times (for reasons other than health or job) Discontinued sex life Virtually no conversation with spouse Rage or Silence Mostly condemning of spouse’s character through negative reports An unusually close friend or confidant of the opposite sex Plotting vengeance Separate friendships Finds married life depressing Contemplating “legal” divorce Feelings of hopelessness Constantly patronizing spouse (anything to avoid conflicts) but holding bitterness
Excerpted from Looking Good on the Outside – An exposition of emotional divorce – by Ken Nair – Lifepartners
Giselle: How does she know you love her? How does she know she's yours?
Man: How does she know that you love her?
Giselle: How do you show her you love her?
Both: How does she know that you really, really, truely love her? How does she know that you love her? How do you show her you love her? How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?
Giselle: It's not enough to take the one you love for granted You must remind her, or she'll be inclined to say... "How do I know he loves me?" (How does she know that you love her? How do you show her you love her?) "How do I know he's mine?" (How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?)
Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind? Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey? Heyy! He'll find a new way to show you, a little bit everyday That's how you know, that's how you know! He's your love...
Man: You've got to show her you need her Don't treat her like a mind reader Each day do something to need her To believe you love her
Giselle: Everybody wants to live happily ever after Everybody wants to know their true love is true... How do you know he loves you? (How does she know that you love her? How do you show her you need her?) How do you know he's yours? (How does she know that you really, really, truely-)
Well does he take you out dancin' just so he can hold you close? Dedicate a song with words in Just for you? Ohhh!
All: He'll find his own way to tell you With the little things he'll do That's how you know That's how you know!
Giselle: He's your love He's your love...
That's how you know (la la la la la la la la) He loves you (la la la la la la la la) That's how you know (la la la la la la la la) It's true (la la la la la)
Because he'll wear your favorite color Just so he can match your eyes Rent a private picnic By the fires glow-oohh!
All: His heart will be yours forever Something everyday will show That's how you know (That's how you know) That's how you know (That's how you know) That's how you know!
Giselle: He's your love...
Man: That's how she knows that you love her That's how you show her you love her
Giselle: That's how you know... That's how you know... He's your love...
For the next several weeks, the Testimony Tuesday posts will be excerpts taken from Joel and Kathy Davisson's God Save My Marriage Forum. Much of what is written over there and the stories of other Christian couples working to get their marriages restored is really amazing and we encourage you to check it out, get registered (it's free) and start a thread of your own story. You will find much help and gain a lot of knowledge and support from the moderators (including Michael and me), Joel and Kathy, and other husbands and wives learning how to have an Outrageously Happy Marriage!
Today we give you a post from Pure In Heart (her forum name) who is a prolific poster on the boards and who's own story of a restored marriage is nothing short of amazing! Remember, the core message of this ministry is a husband going first to win his bride just as Christ (the husband) went first to win us (the bride).
God is clear about His design for marriage. It is actually so simple and yet profound. It is uncluttered with rules and regulations and only develops our relationship skills, so that, not only are both valued and loved but we know God in deeper ways because of it.
That to me is heaven on earth. It is that sublime picture of salvation. In the midst of many religious thoughts and systems there is ONE that is unique and uncommon among all the other gods. It is God's truest picture of love. God wanted a bride and a family to love. He sent a bridegroom to die, so that, in light of the revelation of that love, her heart would respond to His sacrifice for her.
God came to her. She did not first come to Him. He died for her...she did not die for God.
His sacrifice was so far-reaching and His love so perfect it would heal her and make her whole without any flaw or noticeable defect. She would be washed and holy and blameless. Her heart would freely respond, not out of obligation or sense of duty or fear but because she must love Him back.
She was never forced or demanded to love. No conditions. No earning it. She was not threatened or bruised in spirit to make her submit to His will and purpose, she wanted to, as He made her secure and safe. He could be trusted; after all, He willingly proved it with His own life.
Husbands, Be like Jesus...
Remember to join us tonight at 7pm (pst) for our weekly marriage ministry call. 512-716-6531 access code is 981128#. You can just mute your phone out and listen in or speak up, introduce yourself (you may use a fake name if it makes you more comfortable, many people use their forum names) and ask us a question or get some specific help for your marriage. These calls can be very raw and emotional at times and are a great way to get started moving forward.
I (Michael) found this today while browsing Joel and Kathy's marriage forum and wanted to share it with you; especially if you're a husband like me. It was written by another husband who also helps out in this ministry with his wife and is really great advice when we guys become self-focused and how to move out of that when we find ourselves there. Moving out of this brings much healing to our wives and helps us continue to mature as husbands and men of God.
Here's a few warning signs I look for that indicate self-focus:
I feel strongly contrary to whatever she is talking about.
I feel I am right.
I feel she is missing something important.
I feel angry.
I feel I know more about whatever she is talking about.
I feel like walking out.
She gets angrier
She shuts up and walks away.
She tells me 'I don't have the HS.
And here's a few things I try to do to put the focus on my wife when I notice any of the above:
Pray for understanding (immediate side benefit - takes my mind off myself for the duration of the prayer)
Tell myself that she doesn't speak Mannish. (her native tongue is Womanese). Many of her 'feely' words when directly translated are pretty combative in Mannish.
Reach out and hold her.
Close my eyes momentarily and breath deeply.
Try to remember she is His daughter, and I WILL have to answer to him.
Relax my face.
Look into her eyes like I would someone lying hurt in a hospital bed.
Soften the tone of my voice.
Deny nothing.
Occasionally, He blesses me with an overwhelming compassion for her. In these blessed moments try to do all the above. Then I thank Him for his compassion for me.
