When A Wife Needs To Die To Self

So...no video testimony today because I have bad cold and I refuse to get out of my pajamas and pretty myself up today. And since I want to be as well rested as possible for our Marriage Intensive on Thursday, I am typing this post from the comfort of our big smushy bed amidst crumpled kleenex, cups of cold tea and lemon water on my nightstand and the scent of Vick's vapor rub lingering in the air.

Ugh...

I do have a testimony for you though, part of our own and part of mine and I'm not gonna lie to you, it was a difficult pill and one that I (Annalea) needed to swallow.

Can you believe it?

I know. Totally true though because, believe it or not, I'm not always right even when Michael makes it all about me. Kidding.

It goes like this. I've been feeling as if we've hit a plateau over the last couple of months and so about a week ago, I gathered up the courage to ask Michael if he was happy with me and if I was being a blessing to him. He said that he never really thought about it because he was always so focused on being about me and the kids but that he'd give it some thought. Being a passive person, I teeter-tottered between fear of what he'd say and relief that he didn't really say anything on how I was or wasn't being with him.

Now let me just say that over the last three years, Michael has absolutely become a safe place for my heart; it's just the anticipation of hearing that I may not be measuring up as much as I could or should and the reality is that I already know the answer, which is that I'm not. Michael didn't have to say anything for me to already know this.

Here's a small example: Michael rubs my head every night. Without fail and never any less than 10 minutes; in fact, it's usually for 15-20. It's my absolute favorite and I know he enjoys doing it too. Welllllll.... I know that he loves to have his back rubbed but, honestly, I'll do this for him maybe about 1 time out of every 10 that he rubs my head and usually only when he asks it of me.

How lame is that?

Okay, so I already know that I'm missing the mark and that's just one area. I also feel that we've hit a plateau of sorts and breaking through it is largely up to me at this season in our lives because I know that I'm the one holding myself back and thus holding us back.

So, it came down to this: I know (that I know that i know) that Michael will do anything I ask him to. The question is, will I do anything he asks of me.

Which turned out to be hearing him out ~ without getting angry or defensive ~ when he answers the kind of question I asked which, truth be told, was somewhat loaded on my part which is entirely unfair ~ which he brought to my attention and which I got defensive about....

UGH!

He said, "Annalea, what you're doing isn't what we teach. We tell wives to respond to their husbands to the extent that he's blessing her." He's totally right, we do teach that. And where we are now it should be 100%/100%. So I'm thinking over all of the ways that Michael blesses me and thinking, "shit! he does a lot!" and knowing that I could be responding a lot more positively than I do.

And it's not that I don't bless him ~ I do; it's that I could do more ~ a LOT more ~ and I know this. And I got angry and defensive about it.

Who needed to die to self? Hand raised over here (she says sheepishly).

We talked it out though. And talked and talked and made love to which I laughingly asked Michael, "is this make up sex?" and he said, "no, just connecting with you."

I liked that better. I think make up sex is overrated anyway...