Your Marriage Restored

Wanna Make You Love Me...

2012-01-16T08:45:00.001-08:00

Is it me or is there just suhem' 'bout a country song? A country love song to be more exact. Last night at our marriage group one of the couples told us about this song, Wanna Make You Love Me, by Andy Gibson and I wanted to share it you all. Awesome lyrics guys...hop to it!

Old people make me cry
Goodbyes make me drink
Tom Petty makes me drive too fast
The Bible makes me think
Children make me laugh
My momma makes me wanna treat a lady right
Like daddy always has

You make me wanna buy a rose
You make me wanna shine my shoes
Baby you make me wanna dance
Better than I do
You make me wanna be a man
Who makes you laugh and makes you proud
I wanna be everything you need
You make me wanna make you love me

Girl I'm not poetry
I'm not the finest wine
But I'll toast to you and me
And I'll try to make you rhyme
I'll learn your favorite song
Stand in the yard with my guitar
And sing outside your window all night long

You make me wanna buy a rose
You make me wanna shine my shoes
Baby you make me wanna dance
Better than I do
You make me wanna be a man
Who makes you laugh and makes you proud
I wanna be everything you need
You make me wanna make you love me
Oh yeah

You make me wanna buy a ring
You make me wanna put you first
You make me wanna talk to God
Even when I'm not in church
You make me wanna be a man
Who makes you laugh and makes you proud
I wanna be everything you need
You make me wanna make you love me
Oh yeah
You make me wanna make you love me

Live31...

2011-12-15T09:03:00.000-08:00

On November 11 of this year, 5 male students from Baylor University, committed to making a change in American Society in its view toward beauty, posted this status update:

“I’d rather have a Proverbs 31 woman than a Victoria’s Secret model.”

Throughout that night, this status was reposted numerous times and as it spread, they saw there was need for more action. They started with a Facebook page saying the same thing as their status updates and they also decided to post a video. In 3 days, they received over 120,000 views on youtube, and their Facebook page grew to over 7,000 likes (now close to 12k).

Naturally, they've received a lot of mixed reactions to their statement. Up front, it seems a bit refreshing given our societies (churched and non) obsession with physical appearance and it puts me in remembrance of a Bath & Body Works ad campaign that was out over 10 years ago in which all of the models were size 12 and above and I remember thinking, "at last! a real depiction of what many look like!" Not a svelte size 2 with boobs 'til Tuesday but rounded thighs and bellies and arms and cheeks, slightly stetch-marked and not as smooth and perky as once before but warm and lusty (oooops...did I just say that?) and welcoming. I am Venus At A Mirror, thank you very much, and live with the reality of that every day and let me tell you, it's a love/hate relationship at best because every woman ~ Victoria Secret model or not, has image issues. Oh yes, she does. Just watch, How To Look Good Naked, sometime and you'll see.

But, more than that, what immediately hit me when I read this little yet powerful statement was this: have all 5 of these university gentleman ever self gratified? Ever looked at porn? Ever shopped at Vicky's Secret store (double entendre intended). Cause I'm thinkin' that would make their statement pretty meaningless if they had and this is why: in the almost 5 years that we've been involved in Christian marriage ministry, we've yet to talk with one man who hasn't participated in any of the aforementioned activities; married or not.

Not one.

Not one.

Not one.

This isn't a judgement; it's a sad reality. And I totally get how childhood wounding and family of origin abuse and abandonment and emotional arrestedness can play a part in why we do what we do; but when one regularly comes in contact with men who are married to Godly women who genuinely strive to be so ~ whether she be a Prov 31 woman or a Victoria's Secret model (both are children of God) ~ and sees that these same men are turning towards indiscriminate sex to be fulfilled instead of towards the woman they're married to, then the statement made by these 5 men is nothing more than a cock and bull story to me.

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe;
let her breasts satisfy thee at all times;
and be thou ravished always with her love. ~ Proverbs 5:18-19

And....hello....it doesn't even matter what she looks like! We've met men married to drop-dead-gorgeous inside and out women and they still look at porn, self gratify or leave their wife for a pole dancer!

Guess I'm a little jaded.

A few days ago, Michael and I were watching a Christmas movie and towards the end, the main couple got married in a simple ceremony. The mayor ~ who officiated ~ asked who was giving the bride away (Santa, naturally), then for the rings, then pronounced the couple husband and wife. I laughed a bit and jokingly said to Michael, "What kind of wedding was that? No vows." to which he drolly replied, "What's the point of vows? Most people don't keep them anyway."

Ouch.

And hey, I know that there's a lot of good men out there; men who honor their wives and their vows, who genuinely forsake all others ~ including themselves ~ for love of God and their wife, who want to leave a legacy for their children that will protect their hearts and minds and future spouse. I also know that the porn industry brings in more money annually than major league sports and that men aren't the only participants in supplying that revenue. It's a tangled web we weave, people. Has been from the beginning and it doesn't matter if a man is with a Proverbs 31 woman or a Victoria's Secret model; if he has a proclivity to act out....he will because as long as a person continues in the belief that God is holding out on them somehow; that He doesn't want to give them what they really need and as long as people continue to let that be the story of their lives then that's how they'll show up.

So, what do you feel when you read the statement from the guys at Baylor? Does any part of it resonate with you or do you have a different take? We'd love to read your thoughts in the comment section of this post.

This One Is For You Baby....

2011-11-10T08:38:00.000-08:00

"Push"

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

Cheating Death...

2011-11-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid to die.

Afraid of what it will look like, when it will happen, how it will feel, how those I leave behind will manage. I know that death is a part of life and that, as a believer, it isn't the end so much as a transition of going from this life to standing in front of Jesus as quickly as my next breath. Still...it scares me and every day I run from it; fill my life with things and tasks and people and words to try to keep the reaching claw of it at bay.

A couple of days ago I was reading this blog post and I was struck by the author's words:

But we all cheat death every day, don’t we? We cheat it by crafting beauty, or loving someone, or making new life; sometimes we cheat it just by leaving the gun in the drawer, the liquor in the cabinet, the hateful word in our bellies.

We are all of us cheating death, right up to the very end, and then, by the grace of God, beyond that end. The first Adam was the death-bringer, the second Adam is the death-cheater, and now here are you and me, each of us faced every moment with the choice about which we will be, who we will be.

I get so worried about the pain of physical death that I forget how quickly my heart can die too; with a word, a look, an act. Death-bringers, indeed. And that every time I move in love towards Michael or my children; every time I create something with my hands or speak life into someone ~ every time I receive the same from another ~ I cheat death and my heart shines a little brighter.

In her book, One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp says, "Out of the dark, tender life unfurled. Out of my own inner pitch, six human beings emerged, new life, wet and fresh. All new life labors out of the very bowels of darkness. Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into good, grief transfigures into grace, empty transfigures into full. God wastes nothing."

Did you see that? Nothing wasted. No thing. And I realize, in my saner moments when I'm not freaking out about the inevitable, that I've cheated death many many times; sexual abuse, abandonment, illness, death, marriage...each experience moving from a place of complete, throat-clogging darkness to a redemption so sweet I'd swear He had it fixed all along. He's like that, you know?

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeramiah 29:11

Living Beyond...

2011-10-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

If you follow me on facebook, you probably noticed that I've shared some comments about juicing and eating mostly raw lately. This isn't really anything new for me because it's something I've done off and on for the last couple of years but I stepped up my game a few weeks ago after watching, "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" with our son Jack who looked at me when it was over and said, "Mom. For the rest of the day I only want you to eat fruits and vegetables," which I agreed to do and have pretty much continued since that day. I've lost 7 pounds since then and have been feeling pretty good. Along with this, I've cut out processed food by about 90% and dairy altogether.

It hasn't really been that difficult and I've noticed a marked decrease in cravings for sweets and junk food. I have no problem getting up early in the morning and find that a big glass of fresh green juice gives me more of a lift than coffee ever did (and...without the negative side effects).

I've been making juices for Michael too and next week, we're going on a 10 day juice fast which I'm really looking forward to. Him? Well....he'll do it because he loves me, smile; he's a meat and potato guy at heart but with a willing and teachable spirit thanks to the last 4.5 years.

Something else that's been a big influence for me right now is that my cousin who's just three years older than me was diagnosed with leukemia earlier this month and next month will be the 10 year anniversary of Jeff passing away from cancer. Ugh! Sometimes I just feel like I'm surrounded by all of it and while I know that God is in control of my life, I also know that I can control what I do and don't put into my body; and with an amazing husband and five incredible kids to live for and love on, I want to be sure that I'm as healthy as I can be on the inside.

All that being said I have a really good friend who's been eating a paleo diet (pretty popular right now - just google it) and has been loving it and has lost over 40 pounds in 3 months and so we get together and talk shop about food and diets and organic and grass fed and raw and blogs and recipes and all that good stuff and she told me something about a company called Beyond Organic which was founded by Jordan Rubin who has an amazing health transformation story of his own and is the author of The Maker’s Diet, which you may know of, as well as several other books. I know of his book but have never read it so I really can't comment one way or another about it. All this to say that clearly, God had a hand in the restoration of Mr. Rubin's health and you know us....we're all about restoring; marriages, families, health...even furniture if I try my hand at that some day (which, who are kidding, I probably will. hello craft blog).

So, I'm going with my friend tonight to learn more about what this company stands for and I went on their website today to get directions for where I need to be and as I'm looking around on the site I notice that they had a gathering last month and one of their keynote speakers was a woman named Dr. Caroline Leaf who's written an amazing book called Who Switched Off My Brain which we have and always recommend during our Intensives and have mentioned on our weekly conference calls several times as it's one of the best resources out there explaining how and why the synapse in our brain function the way they do while completely bringing in the correlation to scripture. Yep. Not only is Dr. Leaf a scientist specializing in brain research, she's also a believer. Needless to say, my interest here is high.

I love finding out about how to take care of my body in healthy and delicious ways; and it has to be delicious or what's the point right? And on that note, I wanted to share a little blog site with you that I recently found that is full of great information on alkalizing foods (super important to have your internal environment be more alkalized than acidic) with great recipes and seriously mouth-watering pics. It was started by two sisters. You'll love it.

Completely gorgeous right?!? And if you have a way to stream movies, I definitely want to recommend Fat Sick and Nearly Dead as well as Forks Over Knives; both will definitely get you pausing before you drive through for favorite fast food restaurant.

Sorry. It's just cause I love ya!

Three Dinners Shared...

2011-09-12T09:53:00.001-07:00

We're half way through September and already 3 dinners into the 52 planned. It's been an amazing experience so far and yet I've found myself having mixed emotions as each one approaches. One thing that's been blazingly apparent to me is the pull to blow it off when I'm just not feelin' it, you know? There was one that I had to legitimately postpone as one of our boys had a bad cold and that wasn't the kind of love I wanted to spread. And I've told myself that I'm too tired or I'm too busy or that we don't have the extra money or blah...blah...blah.

And I've just started!!!

As much as I hate to admit to it ~ and publicly, no less ~ this is so me. A struggler with follow-through. And, as I've pressed through each time and made it more about Him and less about me, I (we) have been so blessed.

The first family was one we've known for a while; a husband and wife and two of their children. Daniel helped me make the communion crackers and Evan helped me prepare dessert.

I'd planned on us all taking communion together and had even gotten a split of red wine for the purpose. I wanted it to feel authentic (my whole, "you know...Jesus ate dates" thing; which is another story for another time). We all sipped from the same cup; husbands first, then wives, then the children ~ oldest to youngest. My boys, who'd been bugging me all day to taste the wine, scrunched up their noses at the taste and Jack went so far as to jump up from his chair and spit his out in the kitchen sink; the whole time making gagging noises.

We had a talk later that night.

Daniel, much to the surprise of everyone,didn't bat an eye when he took his sip. It was quite an experience for all of us. We shared in a meal of baked chicken taquitos, spanish rice, black beans flavored with cilantro and garlic, fresh guacamole and a pineapple crunch cake for dessert.

Our second guest was a single woman ~ a widow (hello!) whom I'd heard much about but had never met. I was really looking forward to having her over and it turned out to be a lovely and relaxing evening. She happens to be a therapist and when she shared that with us, I found myself hard pressed not to relate to her as if I were in a session with her. It was just Michael and I with her that evening as Daniel fell asleep on the couch and Jack and Evan were visiting with a friend and it was great not to be interrupted every few minutes with "kid" stuff. That night we ate eggplant parmesan, spaghetti with olive oil and garlic, a salad of mesclun greens, warm bread and a fresh peach and marscapone tart. We received a beautiful thank you card from her just this week.

The third family who came over is also known to us, mostly through a connection between Michael and the husband who were both in the same men's bible study together. They have three children pretty close in age to our three younger boys so it got pretty boisterous at times with all six of them running around with light sabers in hand. We talked about a lot of different things and generally got a better feel for one another. There happened to be a couple of things that came up with Michael and I during that evening which led to an hour long conversation between the two of us after they left. Difficult but, in the end, good and eye opening and feeling closer to one another. Dinner that night was bbq chicken, parmesan mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and peach raspberry cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

Our next guest will join us this Sunday and while I'm not going by an alphabetical list with this one, I felt very led to invite this particular woman over. She needs some tlc and I want to cook something really special for her.

All in all, I'm finding that walking this out has been blessing me and my family as much as it's blessing those who walk through our door each week to share a meal with us. I'm learning a lot about myself and about where and how I need to stretch and grow in my walk with God and in how I relate to others. And...fellowship is important. And needed. Which has been expressed during each evening. I think it's a matter of moving toward it; seeking it out or just allowing yourself to receive it.

The Woman In The Room...

2011-08-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

Michael often has dreams of a spiritual nature; me....not too many. The few I have had, however, have always packed a very powerful punch and the one I had just a few hours ago was definitely one of those. So, at 6:30 in the morning here, with windows and doors thrown open to the light, because light is needed right now, and with coffee brewing in the kitchen I'll share it with you before the details ~ and the message ~ become fuzzy edged and too difficult to relate to another.

I was in the home of a family that I've known my entire life whom I deeply love. We're all sitting around talking and into our midst walks a young woman completely naked except for a long sweatery vest, open in the front, and high heeled shoes. Her hair and makeup are done and she's very pretty; not in a slutty film star sort of way though which gives me pause the first time I see her. And, it's obvious from everyone's reaction that they know her and she's clearly a welcome guest despite the immediate and very obvious discomfort of everyone there.

She sits in the only available space which is, of course, next to me and the further I scoot myself away from her the closer she moves toward me. No one seems to give her much notice and when I can't move away any further I jump up and very vehemently ask who the hell she is and what she's doing here. My question is first met with disdainful looks from the others in the way of, "hey. don't say anything. you don't want to offend her. and, that's not very christian of you." One man jumps up and loudly exclaims, "FINALLY!!! Someone's saying something!"

I look to the elders in the family and ask what they could possibly be thinking by allowing this woman into their home, don't they know that every man here wants to have sex with her; probably even some of the women? And if the latter aren't thinking of her that way they're at the very least comparing themselves to her and telling themselves where they don't measure up.

The man who spoke up agrees that he'd been thinking of her that way and now his wife who's sitting next to him is upset but he's like, come on...what did you think?

It becomes evident that the elder woman allowed her to be there in the hope that her own husband would have sex with her (the whole Abraham, Sarah, Hagar thing and we know how that went down - still feeling the effects today). I, very heatedly, start talking about how seeing this woman in this way is a stumbling block for everyone there, myself included.

Then I woke up. Lay in bed in the dawn light trying to put all the pieces together. Thinking more on each detail and listening to what He was telling me and I've come away with this:

1. often times people who've been sexually abused as children (hand raised) have also experienced same-sex touching at some point in their life (hand raised) and have sometimes struggled with same-sex attraction (hand raised).

2. when something has you in it's grip, it's best to run hell-bent for leather in the opposite direction whenever it comes toward you; commands you to give it your full attention. like joseph running from potipher's wife - he ran right out of his robes in order to get away and stop himself from doing the wrong thing. and a person's struggle doesn't have to be sexual in nature. it could be spending money, drinking, or that glorious chocolate cake on the counter, ooozing sweet buttery frosting .

3. as much as i want to be able to say that i don't struggle with certain things in my life and as much healing as michael has brought healing to me and as often as i've asked God to deliver me from them, i can completely relate to paul's words ~ I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:7-9

When I was younger and had less understanding of the Word, I used to believe that the 'thorn in his side' was an actual thorn or some sort of physical ailment. Now...not so much. Since he describes it as, 'a messenger of Satan to torment', I think it's a struggle of the flesh and will; something he had victory over most of the time and something he defaulted to in his darkest moments. Torment of the most insidious kind.

Last night, making love in tears, confessing my struggles to Michael. I felt his complete love for me and mine for him - our acceptance of one another and I wish that was enough . To apologize and really mean it. To ask for and receive forgiveness. To run away from my thorns to the point of nakedness. To accept His grace; sufficient for all. Yet I know those struggles still live within me and I know they'll raise their ugly heads again.

That I would grow wings to carry me away when that happens. Fast and far.

52 families in 52 weeks....

2011-08-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

On a Sunday a few weeks back, our pastor was speaking about grace. Speaking about grace received and grace given and it got me to thinking ~ to knowing ~ that I haven't been trustworthy with the grace He's bestowed upon me or even with the grace I've received from others throughout my life; received with about as much enthusiasm as opening a box of socks at Christmas.

"oh. thanks..."

What grace Judas and Peter received as they ate with Jesus one last time; Him knowing what they couldn't and yet hearing Him say that He'd deeply desired eating that meal with them.

Grace.

God acting on our behalf to do what we can't.

As he continued to speak I started thinking about food and meals and having people over; people from our church. People we know and people we don't and how amazing it would be to really invite people in and open our home to share a meal with them. I told Michael about my idea as we were driving home from church that day and he said, "you could blog about it. call it 52 in 52." Brilliant.

So here we go. 52 in 52. We're going through the church directory and starting in the "A's". Our first dinner is this coming Friday and will be with a family we know and it should be a merry bunch. We also know that sometimes it will be a mom with her kids or a dad with his or a single man or a single woman or a couple without children or someone elderly or with health challenges. Some people we've hurt and some we've been hurt by. Sometimes we'll have a lot to share and sometimes it will be tricky to put a full meal on the table but I've made a decision to never ask those coming over to bring anything. This isn't a pride thing; it's a faith thing; a trust thing; a loaves and fishes thing. And we're involving the kids in deciding what to make and preparing the meal. Especially Evan who really needs some positive direction in his life right now.

The body ministering to the body. Partaking in something that Jesus partook in; breaking bread and sharing a meal with those He knew as well as with strangers. There was grace in those meals and grace at those tables; amazing grace....given and received.

I look forward to partaking in that kind of grace ~ the kind that changes you. The kinds that sinks you and uplifts you all at once.

I Pledge Allegiance...To My Marriage...

2011-08-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

As Americans, most of us take a lot of pride in the flag of our country; we place our hand over our heart and pledge allegiance to it, have ceremonial raisings and lowerings of it, fold it in a precise manner....even go so far as to never let it touch the ground lest it and our country be dishonored.

Interesting how many of us don't hold our marriage in such high regard; no protecting one another, very little honoring, and allegiance....what's that? Allegiance to self is more like it. Holding one another with fingers widely splayed so that our spouse can slip through and other things can slip in causing both to slip up.

No standing up for the covenant we made.

We say, "one nation, under God, indivisible..." How about, "one marriage, under God, indivisible..."? Isn't that what we have? One marriage under God? And shouldn't it be indivisible? After all, almost all wedding ceremonies have some variation of, "what God has joined together let no man tear asunder". I daresay that often times that "man" is...us.

So. Where does your allegiance lie?

Our fourth 4th And Other Observations...

2011-07-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

Last week marked the fourth 4th of July we've spent together since our marriage restoration began and when we talk about what our marriage is like now compared to those tenuous first days, well....there is no comparison. Absolutely everything is different: how we think, feel, talk, love, struggle, parent, laugh, cry, listen, trust, surrender, share...everything.

That said, I believe there's one specific area that, more than anything, we continue to be aware of - our own woundedness and the woundedness of others.

For ourselves, our personal wounding ~ what we experienced as children and how it's shown up in our lives as adults ~ is something that we can safely talk about to each other without fear or condemnation. It's something we can continue to let go of and give to God knowing that it only defines us if we allow it to. Either way, it's something that's recognizable when it shows up; something glaringly obvious that we can look at and ~ with grace and truth ~ say "no" to.

Keeping Your Joy...

2011-06-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

I'm the first one up today. A rarity in our house. Not because I'm not a morning person - I am; it's just that I usually wake to the sounds of cereal scavenging and cartoon network. But this morning....peace. Which is good because I really needed the solitude today; a slice of quiet carved out for a few moments to process the thoughts in my head. I thought about calling a couple of friends who would totally get where I am right now and I know they'd be there for me but I wanted to just sit here and type before I get muddled down in the intricacies of conversation.

Several years ago, shortly after Michael and I were married, we found ourselves in the middle of a full blown crisis involving accusations, detectives, mistrust, lie detector tests...it wasn't pretty. The pastor we sat under at that time counseled me to, "keep my joy" which was not the advice I was hoping for. I sat there with the phone to my ear and listened in disbelief. Pissed off. Was that seriously the best he could do? Hadn't he just heard what I'd told him? deTECtive! LIE detector! YELLing! Where the F does keeping my joy fit in? He had no idea what I'd been living with.

It reminded me of my best friend telling me not to lose hope when Jeff was dying of cancer. I'd never been more angry with her. What did she know? She didn't have to see him fall and never get up again or feel new tumors under his skin practically every day or receive test results that mocked everyone's best efforts.

Last night, I found out that the husband of a dear family friend was diagnosed with a rare malignant abdominal tumor. He starts chemo today. They're both young with two small children...like we were. She said it's going to be a difficult time and she's right. Difficult and scary and precious and happy and uncertain and lonely and incredible and fucked up and surreal and hollow and beautiful. They will feel small and enormous at the same time; pulled and stretched in ways they never dreamed of; tested and refined over and over and over again.

I totally understand what they're getting ready to face and while I may not know a lot I do know this....when someone is living in an abusive marriage, or facing the uncertainty of health issues, or staring at the lid of the coffin that contains a child, or wondering how they're going to feed their family of five with their last $10...hope and joy are barely a blip on the radar and it's easy to stay in the darkest and blackest of places.

This is life. This is marriage. Messy. At times it sucks and you just want to get in your car and start driving in the opposite direction and still....it's always amazing. If Michael and I hadn't been on the brink of divorce we may never have gotten involved in marriage ministry and if Jeff hadn't gotten sick he (and others) may never have accepted Christ. Jeramiah 29:11 says that God has a plan and a purpose in our lives; to prosper us and not to harm us. Were these things part of God's plan? I believe so - not at the time I didn't...I so didn't. Now I know that hope and joy are part and parcel with hurt and sorrow. You can separate the two but will never feel the fullness of either without them being together.

It's a paradox, a conundrum, an oxymoron.

Keeping my joy and not losing hope? I get it now. I really do.

Do This With Us Today....

2011-06-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

Are You Thinking About Coming To Our Marriage Intensive? Here's Why You Should Go...

2011-05-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

Can you believe we're actually posting a video?!? We know...we know...it's been a while, it's just that we haven't had access to a video camera for a loooong time and our son has graciously let us use his for a bit so we're taping like crazy over here!

A lot of couples We wanted to talk with people about why they should go to one of our Marriage Intensives; you know...things they may be struggling with, how their marriage may look (or not look) right now, the kind of help they may or may not be getting and how that plays into their relationship. Then we talk about what they'll receive at our workshop, the biggest plus ~ in our opinion ~ is being taught by a couple who's actually living out what they teach.

We recently read that about 75% of couples who go to marriage counseling end up worse than when they started or divorced. That's a troubling statistic and one that we can attest to being a part of. Nothing at all against counseling, though the reason this often happens is because counselors treat the couples as individuals instead of as a couple. Interesting.

We hope you'll watch and be blessed by what we have to say and that to know that you can experience change in your marriage. Oh! And please be sure to click the Facebook "Like" button at the end of this post to share this with all of your friends.

Blessings!

Why Go To A Marriage Intensive...

2011-05-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

We recently heard a surprising statistic; that 75% of marriages get worse or end in divorce in spite of marriage counseling. We can definitely say that we fell into that category despite two years of secular and non-secular counseling. We literally spent thousands of dollars trying to get help for our marriage only to watch it free fall towards hopelessness. What we needed was a biblically-based alternative to counseling that didn't address us individually but as a couple and we found it at a Marriage Intensive.

Couples who attend have relationships that suffer from many of the following reasons:

they're engaged and experiencing problems with their fiance
there's a lack of affection
they have issues that always seem to resurface without any resoltuion
they're secretly miserable
they've become roommates without benefits
their needs are ignored
they're hardly ever have sex
there's been physical or emotional adultery
they're feeling controlled and manipulated
they resent one another
they have discussion that escalate into arguments or screaming sessions
they're struggling with addictions
they're experiencing verbal, emotional, physical or spiritual abuse
they're bored
they're staying together because of their family, social pressure, the church, financial reasons, etc.
a lack of appreciation

In our bad days, we could lay claim to just about every one of these issues and we were completely battle scared when we stepped into our Intensive on that first day. By the end...we both went home with a sense of hope we hadn't felt in years!

Marriage Restoration Intensives aren't large counseling sessions. You won't be asked to participate in small groups, break-out sessions or have to take homework back to your room each night. Instead, you will receive marriage-transforming principles, based on God's word, that you can take home and apply to your daily lives that will strengthen and renew your marriage.

If you're feeling drained and frustrated or are dangling on the edge of divorce, we urge you to consider attending our next Intensive....it's time to learn how to transform your marriage.

Join us for the next Marriage Restoration Intensive which takes place June 9-12 in Anaheim, CA. Just connect with us to find out more information and to sign up.

It's time...

Coconut Oil Deodorant...

2011-05-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love handmade spa and beauty products; making my own face masks and body scrubs....it's fun, wonderfully economical and I love the herbal smells that fill my bathroom and shower when I use them. There's also the added benefit of actually knowing what the ingredients are that I'm putting onto my skin and since I've heard a lot about the aluminum salts used in many deodorants (to block the pores so you don't perspire) can get into breast tissue and has a potential link with breast cancer. This, in my opinion, makes the use of a natural deodorant even more appealing.

Knowing this, I've tried several over the counter natural deodorants (won't name any names here) that haven't worked for me at all ~ not as far as odor is concerned anyway and who wants to be dry but still smell? "Not I," said the Little Red Hen.

Okay, segue into my journey with raw foods and using coconut oil in my diet for it's many health benefits and I find that it's also used as a beauty product and.....as an ingredient in natural deodorant which you can easily make yourself.

There are recipes all over the net for making this but the recipe is generally the same all around:

4-5 tablespoons of melted virgin coconut oil
1/4 cup baking soda
1/4 cup cornstarch or arrowroot powder (I use cornstarch)
10 drops of your favorite essential oil (I like lavender, tangerine and lemongrass)

Mix everything together (it will have the consistency of thin pancake batter) and pour it into a re-purposed deodorant container or into a small lidded jar. That's all there is to it! Just be sure to keep your deodorant in the refrigerator as coconut oil liquifies in warm temps. When I'm going to need it, after I shower for example, I simply take it out before I get in so that it softens up a bit and goes on easily (be sure to put it back into the refrigerator when you're done). You could also just keep it in a jar in your bathroom, scoop out a small amount when you want to use it and rub it on.

A couple of things to note:

* you may need to rub it in a bit before you get dressed
* a bit of white may get on your clothes if you don't rub it in
* this deodorant works so wonderfully that you can easily go longer than a day without using more. I know this may gross you out but it's totally true.
* it smells WONDERFUL! I remember having my husband smell me several times throughout the day when I first started using it - I was SO amazed by it!

Add a pretty label to your container and make some for yourself to feel pretty and healthy and make some for your friends who will be just as amazed as you are by how well it works!

p.s. a little side note. i've been using this for about two years now and i'll never, ever, go back to store bought - even store bought natural deodorant. they just don't work as well as this. serious!

When He's Not Responding The Way You're Told He Will...

2011-05-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

I was visiting Sheila Gregoire's blog today ~ To Love, Honor and Vacuum ~ because every Wednesday she does a little something special with regards to marriage called "Wifey Wednesday" (kinda like our Wellness Wednesday posts) and while I was checking out the responses to what she'd written, I stumbled upon a comment left on another blog that made me prick up my ears....or...er...I guess that would be my eyes.

Anyway, it was this part of a specific comment really resonated with me and I wanted to address it today.

"Stating that it’s a wife’s job to make clear (as in understood by the man) that he IS valuable and safe with her can place a tremendous amount of stress when she’s following all the prescribed rules of wifely behavior and he still doesn’t respond the way she’s told he will."

IMHO, this is the very reason why the word 'submission' imparts an immediate (proverbial) punch to the stomach for so many woman. for so long, the church and books and women's bible studies, etc. have taught wives to have a quiet and gentle spirit towards their husbands, submit to their authority over her, and be sure you have sex with him whenever he wants because 'your body is not your own'.

If this worked, then I daresay the divorce rate within the church would be a lot lower.

In the context of marriage, there's no where in the bible that a wife is called to unconditionally love (agape) her husband or to lay down her life for him; that's a husband's role towards his wife. A husband is called to be many things for his wife and then she's called to respect him and with respect comes submission. And when a husband is fully submitted to God and to his wife, it's an organic response for his wife to be submitted to him and God as well. He needs to go first, though - not the wife. He is a source of life for her just as Adam was a source of life (literally) for Eve.

We once heard someone ask this question: "What would make a bigger difference in the furthering of God's kingdom - 10,000 evangelical events or 10,000 husbands loving their wives with a Christ-like love?"

Powerful!

And this is why: Michael loves me whether I deserve to be loved or not. Unconditionally. I don't always have to be on my game for him or only talk with him about an issue when he's in a good mood; he lives with me in understanding. I'm a proverbs 31 wife because I have a proverbs 31 husband (yep, he's there and I encourage you to reread that proverb with fresh eyes). I respect Michael and am submitted to God and him because he lives his life respectably and in submission to God and me. He pursues me every day as a groom pursues his bride and we are completely safe places for one another.

Back Rubs & Baked Goods...

2011-05-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a bit about my husband.

He's totally low maintenance
He's an incredible father ~ very caring
He eats everything I cook, even the experiments, and raves about it
He tells me I'm gorgeous every day
He's a really good friend
He does most of the housework and he does it really well
He's sexy as hell
He totally knows me
He takes time out for me whenever I need/want him to
He's great at his job
He once bought me a horse
He never turns me down when I want to make love and doesn't pressure me when I don't
He washes my hair
He's not the least bit pretentious
He's as happy with little as he is with a lot
He loves me like crazy
He knows how to sail
He can get you organized faster than you can say 'rip van winkle'
He'll change poopy diapers and clean up vomit at 3am
He knows how I take my coffee
He can never remember the date of my birthday (for paperwork and such) but never forgets the actual day
He's equally capable wearing a white collar or a blue one; whichever is required to get the job done
He kisses and hugs me in public and admires my cleavage whenever he gets the chance (even in public) sighs heavily when he glances away; knowing my gifts are his and his alone
He drinks milk at every meal, even at a restaurant when we've also ordered a fancy bottle of wine
If I wake up anxious in the middle of the night, he wakes up with me and holds me and prays over me
He rubs my hair every night before bed. Serious. EVERY night.
He knows that I prefer to eat with a salad fork instead of a dinner fork
He washes, folds AND puts away the laundry

Yeah...he's alright (she says with a small smile).

Today is his birthday. He's 45. And he doesn't mind me telling you so it's all good. When I asked him what he wanted to do he said, "just stay in bed all day". I so get that. It's what I did for most of my birthday too and super nice when you're on the go all the time.

I made him a killer breakfast this morning with homemade blueberry, lemon and ginger scones. Heart-shaped.

And when I asked if he wanted a German chocolate cake or red velvet cream cheese brownies, he chose...

Actually, he does want a back rub which will happen later tonight. He wants to fall asleep while getting it. Hey. I aim to please.

Natural Is Best...

2011-05-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

OMG...two Wellness Wednesday posts back-to-back. That's just crazy people! I will relate it to marriage restoration in that Michael absolutely listens to my heart by completely indulging my craftiness in all it's many forms and praising everything I make - my Proverbs 31 husband!!!

So, I love trying homemade skin care recipes and this is my most recent find and since our skin is porous and what we put on it get's absorbed into our bloodstream, I think what goes on our bodies is just as important as what we put into them. Just like the natural deodorant that I make and use. Have I mentioned that yet? It's awesome!

But today, I have a handmade lotion for you so let's get right to it. I don't remember exactly where I found the recipe but the ingredients go like this:

1 cup filtered water
3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
3 tbsp grated beeswax
essential oil (optional)

As always, I changed it up. I replaced 1/3 of the water with rose water (you can use rose water, orange flower water or brewed tea like peppermint, chamomile or hibiscus - the latter will give a delicate pink color). Instead of evoo, I used a mixture of organic coconut oil and organic avocado oil and I added about 6 drops of tangerine essential oil.

Heat the oil, sans essential oil, in a double boiler using a glass bowl. Add the grated beeswax to the oil and mix until completely melted. Carefully remove the glass bowl from the double boiler and let cool for about 5 minutes.

Put the water into your blender and turn it on. While it's whirling, take the plastic center from the top of the blender lid and slowly pour in the oil and beeswax mixture. It will immediately begin to emulsify. Blend about 30 seconds more then add any essential oil you may be using. You may have to stop and stir/loosen your lotion a couple of times but that's normal and it mostly depends on the strength of your blender.

This lotion is wonderfully creamy and smells soooo good. I use it everyday, even on my face as a mask to moisturize my skin and it's also a great makeup remover!

If you have a local farmer's market that you go to and there's a honey vender there, they probably sell the beeswax. That's how I got mine. This is a whole food product and should last about 3 months at room temp. I don't expect ours to last that long but if you make it and aren't going to use it right away just be sure to refrigerate it.

Tomorrow is Michael's birthday and he's asked for an hour-long back rub. Guess what I'll be using?

Beach Day...

2011-05-03T16:12:00.001-07:00

One of the greatest blessings in our lives is that Michael and I both work from home and we highly recommend it to all who want to try rearranging their lives so that this can be your everyday. I can honestly tell you that we didn't always like working together; it used to be heartbreakingly painful for us both. Our lives are so different now though and we've really come to treasure the time we spend together. We're able to see our boys off to school and be home when they are, we can go for coffee together in the morning, spend a few hours at Disneyland, make love in the afternoon, see a movie, nap, minister to couples, read. Of course, we don't do all of these things every day (someone needs to make money after all) but often enough to enjoy.

Today we took a few hours out of our day to take Daniel to the bay and just relax and play.

We had so much fun and just look at Daniel! He loved being pulled on the boogie board by Michael. I can remember Kathy telling me a while back to give myself permission to enjoy Michael and our kids and I really struggled with that. I know that sounds silly but I needed to hear her say that because I was holding myself back.

Sometimes I still do.

Not that often anymore, though. Definitely not today!

Hope you'll be joining us on the call tonight - we'd love to say hello!

Kick Butt Smoothie...

2011-04-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've put up a 'Wellness Wednesday' post. Not because I haven't been trying to eat better or eat raw but because I'm easily side tracked. Just ask my husband. He will agree in the most unconditionally loving way.

We both really liked this though. A tall glass of carrot-y, orange-y, pineapple-y yum.

Isn't she a beauty? No dairy and no added sweetener.

about 2 cups of fresh carrot juice
1/2 cup fresh orange juice
frozen chunks of banana, pineapple and mango (to your liking)

That's it. Bee pollen and flax oil would be good, healthy additions but I was fresh out. Oooo...coconut butter or fresh ginger, or raw macadamia nut butter or fresh papaya. Maybe some mint.

See what I mean?

A Pattern Set Down...

2011-04-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

Most of us can look back over our childhoods and pick out one defining moment ~ intentional or not ~ when we were wounded by our parents or a parental figure. An excuse instead of an apology, absence from an important event, the threat of abandonment, divorce, abuse...name your poison.

Mine was being sexually abused by my grandfather.

Michael's was watching his dad beat his mom.

Yours may not be as overt as ours. We recently spoke with a man whose eldest son is getting ready to graduate from college and, up until now, he wasn't going to go to the graduation. There are lots of reasons that all sound good but deepthat his dad hadn't ever shown up for him; and not just for his own graduation er discussion revealed either. He hadn't shown up for anything. Ever. He was there but not there.

In the same way of most of us, this man (husband, father) had relegated his own hurt to happenstance; a characteristic of his father that just was. Yet here he is repeating the history of a pattern set down by his own father; leaving his wife to make excuses, his son with an open wound and his two other children wondering if dad will show up for them.

Old man, look at my life. I'm a lot like you were...

The more we talk with people and the more we look at our own lives, Michael and I become more firmly entrenched in a belief that the enemy only trifles with us now. His most vicious and damaging work was done when we were children. It was easier for him then; no checks and balances necessary with innocence. no history for kids to compare to. only blind trust.

This is where the sins of the father (or mother) take root and get passed down.

Old man look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were.
Old man look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were.

Old man look at my life,
Twenty four
and there's so much more
Live alone in a paradise
That makes me think of two.

Love lost, such a cost,
Give me things
that don't get lost.
Like a coin that won't get tossed
Rolling home to you.

Old man take a look at my life
I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me
the whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
and you can tell that's true.

Lullabies, look in your eyes,
Run around the same old town.
Doesn't mean that much to me
To mean that much to you.

I've been first and last
Look at how the time goes past.
But I'm all alone at last.
Rolling home to you.

Old man take a look at my life
I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me
the whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
and you can tell that's true.

Old man look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were.
Old man look at my life,
I'm a lot like you were.

Words With God...

2011-04-10T03:02:00.000-07:00

I think that many of us could look back over our lives thus far and find some reasons to not trust God and, probably, there's one really big reason somewhere in there. I know there is for me and it wasn't what I thought it was; at least, not exactly. It was deep though. Buried beneath so many years of guilt and shame and the whole 'honor thy father and mother' commandment that I dared not think it let alone speak it.

Just a few pages into a new book this evening (Women Food God) and a brief conversation with Michael and I was in tears...wailing...over a hurt that runs so deep I've done nothing but run from it since the day it was inflicted. I thought I'd dealt with it and to some extent that's true. Mostly though I've molded myself into someone I'm not sure that I was ever meant to be or, at the very least, someone that I had to be so that I could just...survive. You know how you can remember an event and there's what actually happened and what you believed happened? And Satan is such an exquisite liar that what you believe begins to make sense...to become your truth.

I just lay there crying in Michael's lap while I had words with God about it all. No holds barred words. I don't trust You words. You did leave me. You did forsake me. How could You have let this happen? Where were You? Is this seriously the good plan You had for me? You knew this would happen!!! Why didn't You stop it???

As a rule, this isn't the way I speak to God. I'm mostly gracious and careful, sometimes distracted, always polite. Tonight I didn't care. Tonight my heart was in my throat and I had to speak or choke on my own words. And I didn't get wrath or the cold shoulder or condemnation. I got...comfort. Not in words. I didn't want words. I didn't need words; I'd said enough of my own. It came in the touch of Michael's hand rubbing my back and smoothing the hair from my face. And with his touch the realization that God was using him to comfort me, to sooth me, to ease my pain and reassure me of His love for me. Insert deep wobbly breath here.

I know that there's still more to process and that there will still be more conversations and tears and ups and downs and while all that makes me feel unsteady on my feet, of these three things I'm absolutely sure: that resisting the pain hurts more than the pain itself, that I have an incredible husband who doesn't run away when I'm hurting and that God hears all of my words and He sees me.

He sees me.

Exciting News...

2011-04-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

It has long been the dream of Joel and Kathy Davisson to provide help to hurting marriages throughout the world. When we first found their ministry, there were their two books, one weekly ministry call, a monthly email and the Marriage Intensive in Palm Coast, FL as resources for couples to receive help and support in their marriage restoration. Four years later, there are now six weekly calls for couples, three weekly calls for husbands, two weekly calls for wives, Marriage Intensives in Palm Coast, FL and Anaheim, CA (the latter facilitated by us), MP3 downloads of the books, DVD's of an Intensive, bi-monthly newsletter from J&K, teaching videos on Youtube from J&K and us, our blog, and a 24/7 marriage forum. That's a lot of help!!!

And it just keeps growing. This Thursday, April 7 (at 9am, 6pm and 10pm PST), Joel and Kathy will be appearing on the Daystar Network show Celebration, hosted by Marcus & Joni Lamb. All of us are super excited about this opportunity that God has given to J&K to spread the message of this ministry to an even larger audience so we encourage you to check your local cable listing or go to the site and stream the show live from your computer. Also, you can call in to the ministry line (512.716.6531 access code 981128#) during those times to ask questions of the facilitators and learn more about this ministry.

We're SO excited at the possibility of even more marriages getting RESTORED!!!

A Prayer Of Wrestling...

2011-03-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

I didn't write this though I can really relate to it....a prayer for times when I've wondered if I could walk in faith for one more day; times when I've needed to wrestle with God like Jacob did, or groan to Him like David because of the struggles within my heart.

I'll bet you've been there a time or two yourself...especially if you're married.

When loving means to grapple,
When kindness is a fight, against the self that gives,
And him who takes, when heartache is the payment,
For proffered grace
Lord , hear my prayer

When fury is my bread, and grief the the vim that animates my bones,
When those I love are my foes,
When hate and mercy grapple for my soul,
When I the turncoat am,
The soldier who won’t stand to bear the battle
Lord hear my prayer

When living is a breaking of heart and hope and bone,
When rash, I rave at heaven,
And strike out blindly against the cold,
When I am Jacob, wrestling against the Lord
And lamed by grace, I fall
Lord hold me close, and be my prayer.

~ Sarah, Thoroughly Alive

A Devastating Loss...

2011-03-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

If you've been following us for a while or have ever heard us on any of our ministry calls, you may know that my first marriage ended because my husband passed away and as heartbreaking as it is to lose a spouse, I can't begin to imagine how devastating it would be to lose a child. If you have, I'm deeply sorry....more sorry than I can say.

A couple of weeks ago, we got a call at 5 in the morning letting us know that the home of our friends, the Hogans, was on fire and two of their daughters were trapped inside. Despite every effort, the firefighters - while eventually getting them out - were unable to revive them and they passed away.

Not only has this family suffered the loss of their children, the home they lived in was lost as well ~ they'll be rebuilding their lives in many ways.

Unbelievably, Extreme Home Makeover is currently looking for a deserving family in Maine - which is where our friends live - to bless with a home and a Facebook campaign has been started to nominate this family. This article in the Sun Journal (their local paper) contains links to the specific facebook page as well as an email address to send your nomination to.

I have no idea what the criteria is for EHM when going through their decision process and, of course, a new home will never bring their girls back, but it could help them begin to rebuild their lives as they walk through this season of healing. Won't you take a moment and nominate them along with us and if you have a facebook page will you please post the link above in your status bar so that your fb friends can join the campaign? Thanks.

Should Sex Be The Solution...

2011-03-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about conferences for women wherein the speaker(s) exhorts married women to entice their husbands by actively participate in ‘sexing up’ the relationship between the two of them. You know, things like wearing sexy lingerie, giving their bedroom a romantic makeover, giving their husband a lap dance, incorporating adult toys into lovemaking, pole dancing…you get the idea. All exciting options for a husband and wife to enjoy together and I’m sure Michael would love there to be a pole in our bedroom or to have me on his lap dressed in some diaphanous scrap of nothing (which would quickly be off of me in any case). For us, there’s a deep level of safety and trust that allows for this kind of….expansion… in our sex life which is largely due to the fact that Michael has been proactive in being a godly husband by living with me in understanding, initiating life into our marriage and pursuing me in a loving way.

For a lot of wives, seeking to turn her husband’s heart towards her via sex has been nothing but an unsuccessful attempt to bring emotional closeness and intimacy to the relationship and for them, it's felt like one-sided trampy, slutty sex instead of fun, erotic sex enjoyed by the two of them. And it’s not because she’s not beautiful or sexy or willing.

Recently, I was set to interview a woman who puts together conferences like the one mentioned above; here’s a snippet of an email I sent her:

I'm very much looking forward to interviewing you and learning more about you, your conference and talking about the importance of sex and romance within marriage.

The sexual relationship between a husband and wife is an area where a lot of the couples we minister to struggle; be it from neglect, complacency, abuse, adultery, etc., and this would be something that I would like to get your perspective on, along with a husband's role in helping his wife feel safe enough with him that she'd be willing to deepen her intimate relationship with him and with God as she begins to explore the godliness of being a sexy wife. In truth, most of the Christian wives we talk with have gone down the "try to be more sexy" road in order to win over their husbands and they've had a very negative experience.

This may be a bit of a different spin on things for you with regard to your ministry; we really talk a lot on a husband's role in the marriage insofar as him being a source of life and strength to his wife, living in understanding with her, laying his life down for her and loving her unconditionally and him being an initiator with her instead of a responder.

I haven’t heard back from her since I sent this over a week ago which I find kind of telling and sort of sad, really. Sex is an important, precious and integral part of a marriage and we teach couples that when a husband is being with his wife the way God calls him to and the way her heart needs, she’ll naturally respond positively; mirroring back the love she receives. As a result, the couple experiences an incredible, organic flow of giving and receiving between them that flows into every aspect of their marriage and makes it better…including the sex. This is what it looks like for Michael and me as we've moved forward in our restoration ~ rather than sex being the solution for keeping us together (which never works), it's become a part of the answer that draws us ever towards one another.

My Cherie Amour...

2011-03-12T07:37:00.000-08:00

I had to get out of the house this morning. Like....immediately. You know those days. I'm sure you've had them. It wasn't because anyone was doing any one particular thing it's just that all of their 'particular things' were driving me crazy and I knew if I stayed I'd quickly become a terrible mother which would then be followed by me quickly becoming a terrible wife so I grabbed my computer and the car keys and drove myself to Starbucks and here I comfortably sit. Except that the music they're playing this morning are all old R&B songs which makes me feel like Jeff is sitting down right next to me so......shit.

There's a bright spot though....a small one but I'll take it. Since I'll be here for a couple of hours I asked the barista to put my latte in a ceramic cup and when I went to the bar to pick it up, he'd made a little heart in the foam. Sweet. Thank you Mr. barista; and thank you God for little love notes. He, the barista, was so happy to do it - gave him a chance to be creative - which I totally get - and he confessed how happy he got when people ordered their coffee in a real cup so that he could give their drink a bit of flair. This was followed by a brief conversation of appreciation of the real vs. imitation, specifically....a book you can hold with pages you can turn and library mustiness you can smell vs. reading on a kindle; putting oil in a pot and filling it popcorn and smelling the steam and shaking the pan over the burner and putting all that white fluffy stuff in a bowl and saturating it with real butter and salt vs. microwave popcorn. You get the idea.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed. So much to do and so much going on. Be still and know seems a vague instruction; something easily brushed aside in the presence of being pulled in so many different directions.

All this to say that I'm not feeling like anyone's "dear love" today...not yet anyway. Perhaps another latte?

Reaping and Sowing....

2011-03-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

While this is definitely comical, there's a ton of truth in it. Just ask any woman you know or, better yet, think of your wife and what she gives you as a result of what you give her. A woman will respond to what her husband initiates so guys, if you don't like the way your wife is being with you at a particular moment, stop and take stock of what you're initiating. If there's something coming up for her you can either bring healing to her heart or break it further.

Reaping and sowing indeed.

Birdsong...

2011-03-02T16:17:00.001-08:00

Today Michael was talking to a husband who is working through the restoration process with his wife and towards the end of the conversation, he told the man, "A woman is like a little bird. If you hold her too tight, you'll crush her. But if she feels safe with you she'll perch on your shoulder and sing a sweet song."

Isn't my man the greatest? Anyway, it reminded me of this little video I found a while back...enjoy!

A Matter of Lack...

2011-03-01T17:38:00.000-08:00

(from Annalea) Michael and I were talking about Christian marriages over the weekend and there's something we've been noticing lately that's becoming really apparent when we talk to other couples and hear their stories. Not surprisingly enough, it's pretty much across the board in these marriages ~ it certainly was in ours ~ and is linked to lack...within the church. Namely:

no lack of the church expecting a wife to be Christlike toward her husband

and a complete lack in the church of expecting a husband to be Christlike toward his wife

Why is this? When did it become acceptable for the bride to pursue the groom? I certainly never heard the story where Cinderella searches out Prince Charming to see if the slipper fits. Doesn't make sense does it? It shouldn't; yet this is the underlying message that gets told over and over again. The result? A lack of husbands who are mature godly men because they don't have a church calling them into accountability when it comes to loving their wives as the Lord calls them to.

(from Michael) This seems to be fueled by an unspoken belief among Christian men that they can't love their wives as Christ loves us, so why even bother? And if a husband's trying isn't that good enough and shouldn't she be meeting him half way? These begin to become excuses for a husband not to obey God or to justify his disobedience. It's practically considered scandalous for someone to point to Eph 5:25 and suggest that a Christian husband actually behave like a Christian husband.

Hard to do? At times, yes. But Jesus doesn't ask us to do anything to make us suffer; that's a narrow-minded view of Christianity. Any suffering in our walk with Christ is only temporary and is part and parcel of the sanctification process that always leads to blessings and glory in Christ. Anyway, most of our suffering is either a consequence of the choices we make or a result of something in our lives that needs to be whittled away.

There should never be a lack in the church when it comes to Christian marriage. Just revisit all the verses in the bible pertaining to marriage, the emphasis is on a Christian husband and Christian wife being mutually submitted to God and to one another; there's no 50/50. There's simply an "all in" relationship between the two which leaves neither one of them lacking. Isn't that what Jesus gives to us? Remember, He wants us to be one with Him as He is with the Father and Christian marriage has always been designed by God to reflect His nature...which never lacks.

Casting Call...

2011-02-23T20:05:00.000-08:00

This might be interesting. We received an email today from a casting producer with Shed Media US, producers of ABC'S "Supernanny", Bravo's "Bethenny Getting Married?", and Animal Planet's "It's Me Or The Dog". They're currently casting a new relationship docu-series for married couples who want to reconnect and rekindle their love lives. The series will involve a 7 day challenge that will include romantic homework assignments and a romantic getaway to recapture the passion that brought them together. They're looking for local Los Angeles couples and there is compensation. By 'local', they mean they'll consider couples within a 30 mile radius of Los Angeles.

If this sounds like something you'd like to find out more about, contact Annette Ivy immediately at aivy@shedmediaus.com or call her at 323-904-4680 x1061

Michael and I spoke with her for about 20 minutes today. There is a sort of selection process and if chosen, there will be filming involved not just of the couple but also of what goes on in their daily lives that contributes to the emotional/physical disconnect they're experiencing with one another; i.e., kids, work, interactions, etc.

Be Mine....

2011-02-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, Michael and I haven't had an extended period of time together, alone, since before our youngest was born. So when we were planning our trip to Washington for the marriage seminar, we decided to stay over a few extra days and hang out in Seattle.

Today couldn't have been a better Valentine's Day! We spent the entire day together just meandering through the city, going to the Pike Market, nibbling tasty treats, shopping, going to the movies, out for coffee, out for dinner....sigh....so much fun!

We wanted to share some of what today has looked like so here's some pics we took while out today. You'll see the foodie side of me surfacing here and Michael indulges me. He loves it! (he better, smile!).

sweet meringues

my valentine

delicious fresh fish

lovely lobster

our lunch...fresh crab cocktail

vibrant veggies

luscious fresh fruit

the greatest cooking store ever

michael's favorite

like a kid in a candy store

flower loveliness

love this! look at these 'last minute' guys

gorgeous cheeses

we just wanted to taste all of these!

evoo...one of our faves

salty yumminess

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Do Or Do Not ~ There Is No Try...

2011-02-09T21:08:00.000-08:00

Now that I've gotten the attention of any Star Wars fans who may read our blog, you may know that Jesus says something similar (sans Yoda speak) in Revelation when He's addressing one of the seven churches:

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.
I wish you were either one or the other! So, because
you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about
to spit you out of my mouth. Rev. 3:15-16

We often tell husbands to make a decision to either do this or not, that is, become a Christlike husband and be with his wife the way God calls him to, because if he's just half in, or just trying, or only lukewarm, he might as well forget it. The worst thing he can do is just enough to get by...just enough to get his wife feeling somewhat safe again...just enough to get back into the house (and into her bed)...and then...

stop.

I really do mean this. It's the absolute worst.

So, husband, if you know you're not going to love your wife unconditionally (for the rest of your life) or lay your life down for her (for the rest of your life) or live with her in understanding (for the rest of your life) or make her your number one priority (for the rest of your life) then have the balls to tell her because lukewarm just doesn't cut it. It's not worth it for you or her. Nor your kids for that matter. Or your family or your church family or your job or the world.

I'm just sayin'.

Coffee should be drunk while it's hot; iced tea while it's cold. Get the picture?

Venus At A Mirror...

2011-02-08T23:15:00.000-08:00

If you're one of my Facebook friends you may have read my recent little update where I lamented the thickness of my waistline and my difficulty in finding something to wear:

"so i was out clothes shopping today and ended up completely frustrated and empty-handed. everything i tried on looked awful and every look in the mirror was just a reminder of how much i need to lose weight. i was going to get myself a pair of spanks but the line was too long and i didn't feel like waiting. ugh...."

A girlfriend that I went to high school with left the following comment: "Spring is coming. We are programmed to store extra weight to survive the winter. We survived. We just need to walk around a bit when it gets warmer. when I feel icky, I look at paintings by Rubens or Titian. You are so gorgeous, be healthy, but don't let the skinny trend of this century get you down."

So I went on a search which turned up the following image breathed a sigh of relief...

Venus At A Mirror
Sir Peter Paul Rubens
17th century Flemish painter
proponent of an extravagant Baroque style that
emphasized movement, color and sensuality.

movement...color....sensuality....(and full figured women) emphasized...

On the complete flip side is one of the newest reality shows called Bridalplasty where brides-to-be compete in challenges to earn plastic-surgery procedures in a quest to win their ultimate dream wedding.

What?!?

cutting....tucking....smoothing....nipping....enhancing....shrinking....

I'm sure that I don't need to tell you how lovely all of the participants were having no need for any kind of surgical procedure to enhance their beauty. It made me sad to think that somewhere in their life they came to believe ~ either by themselves or others ~ that how they looked wasn't good enough.

I tell myself the same thing. I don't know why. I have the body of venus at a mirror and want to be at least 40 pounds lighter. I have a husband who tells me every day that I'm gorgeous and sexy and beautiful; he tells me how attracted he is to me and shows me with his body almost every night. I know I'm blessed in this. Still, those thoughts creep in and wait...did you read what I just wrote?

"I have the body of Venus"

I have the body of Venus!

well....what d'ya know?

A Speaking Engagement...

2011-01-25T12:25:00.000-08:00

Great News!!! Michael and I will be speaking next month at the Port Orchard Church of Christ in Port Orchard Washington. If you live in the area, or not too far away, we'd love to meet you and have you attend.

Friday evening February 11th @ 6:30pm
A fun casual dinner of bbq chicken & ribs
All day Saturday Seminar, February 12th
9:00 am - 5:00 pm (bring a sack lunch)
$35 per couple; singles also welcome

child care will be provided on both days!

Call or email the church office to register
360.876.2604 church@pococ.org

The Strongest Men In The World...

2011-01-11T11:32:00.000-08:00

In a recent series of clicking this link which leads to this link which leads to yet another....I came across the following blog post and felt compelled to re-post here as it's completely in concordance with what Michael and I try to convey to Christian husbands (well, really, to all husbands). It comes to us from the website of Ron Hutchcraft Ministries; definitely worth a look-see.

Our word for today from the Word of God comes from Colossians 3:19. Listen to what God says here: "Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them." This really brings love for your wife out of the clouds. You say, "Oh, yes, I love my wife." Do not be harsh with her then. That's a very practical way to measure how much you love her. Are you harsh with her?

God expands our orders as men in our treatment of women by saying this, "Husbands be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner so that nothing will hinder your prayers." That's 1 Peter 3. It goes beyond even marriage in 1 Timothy 5:2. It says, "Tell the younger men to treat the younger women as sisters with absolute purity." In each case, God talks about showing your love by treating that woman like a sister; protecting a woman from anything that could hurt her - including you.

Unfortunately some of us have grown up with a twisted view of what makes a man a man. We have to win, so we have to cut her down so we can win. We have to be strong, so we stand on her to prove we are. We can't be wrong, so we make sure we level her. We can't show tender feelings, so we treat her with macho toughness and we keep her at a distance. But none of that is real manhood! It's insecurity. It's lack of self-control. It's insensitivity.

Even society has known the real secret of male greatness for years. They talk about being a gentleman, a gentle-man! Like the ultimate man, Jesus Christ. For example, when an entire crowd of men was ready to stone a guilty woman, Jesus alone treated her with compassion and gentleness. Another woman was cut down by Jesus' friends for a choice she made about her most expensive possession. Again, Jesus protected her honor. So the measure of your manhood is how safe the women around you feel, how listened to they feel, how protected they feel - physically and emotionally, how respected they feel by you.

For some of us this kind of tenderness just does not come naturally, but it can come supernaturally as you let Jesus Christ convict you of your sins of harshness; the words, the actions that have hurt a woman you care about. And then you begin to let Jesus plant His gentle strength in your heart to replace all those twisted ideas of what it means to be a man. The chainsaw in your mouth that has inflicted so many wounds on a woman you love; it's time you unplug that. Enough damage has been done. A real man does not wound a woman. Love her and do not treat her harshly.

The love of a brother for a sister, especially a spiritual sister, is not just some official emotion, "I love you." Real love, real manhood says, "No one is going to hurt this woman! Especially me."

Eat Pray Love Musings, Part 1...

2011-01-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

For your consideration....

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted - an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of an junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore - despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, g-damn it, because he used to give it to your for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self." Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert

I took my mom to see this movie when it came out. It actually opened on her birthday so it worked out well with the whole lunch and a movie thing I had planned for her and while the above quote wasn't in the movie (it's from the book, which I'm currently reading), I remember being moved by alot of what took place in it because it paralleled many of my own experiences; especially the part where she dances with her first husband. OMG....copious tears but I'll save that for another time.

When I read this, though, it really hit me between the eyes. Talk about living out of emotional arrestedness which is exactly what I did when Michael and I were dating, and reading this took me back there completely...I mean I could feel those feelings; thick and tight....like wearing old, caked-on mud.

Why did I allow myself to act that way? Why did I say yes ~ with welcoming arms (and body) ~ to someone who completely disregarded my heart except when it was convenient for him?

Michael says that in relationships, most of us (Christian or not) don't believe that we can be anything different than what we are and so we look to the other person, just as ill equipped, to make us different and fill any lack. And before you remind me that God is meant to fill the lack (because He'll never disappoint and so on and so forth), the reality is that most of us are running around with big open wounds and, at the risk of ending up like the junkie mentioned above, we'll glom onto to the first person who offers even the smallest and quickest fix our empty hearts can get.

You know what I'm talking about.

Crabbiness = No Sex = Distance = Fear

2010-12-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

How's that for a title?

Welcome to my world. This morning I woke up before Michael did. I gave him a kiss and a hug and said to him, "You haven't made love to me in ages!" He gave a sleepy response in the affirmative. Then I asked, "Is it because I've been crabby lately and so you don't want to?" A pause followed by another yes.

Great!

So, I'm laying there trying not to feel hurt or get defensive. I know (that I know that I know) that I haven't been in the best of moods lately....probably, if I'm honest with myself, not in quite a while actually and I seriously have no idea as to why though I have some theories...I'll get to those in a minute. Suffice it to say that my response to Michael's answer to my question was to say, "Maybe if you made love to me more I wouldn't be so crabby," and then to slink out of the bed; I say slink because I know it was an immature response on my part even though there's some truth there (at least I think so).

My internal struggle here is to fight the urge to be pissed off and run away (emotionally) which I so want to do right now but the reality of living that out will only have detrimental effects on my relationship with Michael and both of our hearts. Ugh!

The answer to this equation is elusive to me and I've been avoiding it for a while. I suspect that Michael has too because he knows that I won't react well to it. Ahhh....the beauty of being married to a passive person (poor man).

So here are my theories as to why I've been so crabby lately:

1. I've stuffed my emotions for as long as I can remember; it's how I coped with my life and what was going on around me. It certainly didn't serve me as I grew but I continued on out of fear; fear that if I didn't do what someone wanted me to or be what someone wanted me to be then they would leave. I even experienced this in my bad days with Michael. Now, however, that Michael has become safe and is loving me the way Christ calls him to, everything that I've stuffed for years and years; all the hurt, pain and anger is bubbling up to the surface and leaking out in a steady stream.

2. Hormones! I definitely have all the symptoms of premenopause and believe you me, it's no cake walk. It completely sucks and, with all due respect, guys seriously have NO idea of what women go through in this: fatigue, irritability, cravings for sweets and carbs, weight gain, feeling depressed or overwhelmed, mood swings and irritability, headaches, low libido, joint pain, sleeplessness, fuzzy thinking, anxiety, dry skin, vaginal dryness, irregular periods. Those are just my symptoms. Think that would make you crabby? God! Men have it so easy when it comes to their bodies.

3. Michael knows that I prefer when he initiates sex and love making between us. And it's not that I never do, I just prefer when he does and when he doesn't for a bit I get edgy. Very edgy.

4. Even though Michael tells me everyday that I'm beautiful and I that he's attracted to me, I'm not comfortable with the way my body looks and so I don't feel attractive and the beginning stages of eating better and exercising completely SUCK! and definitely adds to my crabbiness.

"Somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate!" ~ Fairy Godmother

We (our ministry) tell husband's all the time, "If you don't like the way your wife is responding to you, take a moment and see how you're being with her. She will mirror back to you what you're showing her." While there's absolute truth in that, I also know that, for me, there's more here. Michael and I have been walking out our restoration for almost 4 years now and he's an amazing husband. So what gives?

A Birth Took Place ...

2010-12-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I posted some fun video clips of my favorite Christmas movies that I look forward to watching each year. Pure silliness, I know, but part of the season should be filled with a little silliness.

That aside, there's another reason we celebrate - the real reason; the celebration of a birth that took place and the life given to us because of it. I love the depiction of Christ's birth in the movie The Nativity Story...it seems very authentic as to how life was back then and to what the birth may have been like....

Glorious!!!

Wondrous!!!

Terrifying!!!

Hopeful!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Snow!!!

2010-12-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things about the holiday season are all of the Christmas movies that come on beginning the day after Thanksgiving. Just for fun, I thought I'd post clips from my two favorite holiday movies: White Christmas and Elf; a bit of the old and new.

Merry Christmas!

Lead Me

2010-11-23T14:50:00.000-08:00

We love love love hearing a Christian song on the radio that speaks about a husband being with his wife the way she needs him to be; about him being the man that God calls him to be. Sanctus Real gets it with their song, Lead Me.

The first video is the story behind the lyrics of the song; the second is the music video. We hope both validate every wife's heart and encourage every husband to love their wife as Christ calls him to.

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Terrible Therapist?

2010-11-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

I get the biggest kick out of some of the commercials out there and this one is no exception. Really...it's hilarious! At the same time, I can't help thinking of how much truth is in it. Former drill sergeant or not and all kidding aside, sometimes it's the kind of talk that's needed to get someone to look outside of themselves.

A Prince Among Men - Rule #1

2010-11-06T16:36:00.001-07:00

I love how the topic of being a good husband has segued over from Christian ministry to mainstream reading. A couple of days ago, my mom and I were at an arts and crafts festival that we like to go to each year when I came across this book and new I had to pick it up. Being a fan of classic black and white movies, I was instantly drawn to the pictures and, of course, all of the "rules" are right on even if some are a bit on the campy side.

Read the rules guys! While they may read silly, there's definite truth here!

My Christlike Husband

2010-11-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

Being married to a man who is truly walking out what Christ calls him to be as a Christian husband is an incredible experience. Not only do I feel deeply loved and safe, I get the privilege of watching him grow into the man God has called him to be!

Upcycled

2010-10-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

One of the current buzz words in the craft arena right now is 'upcycle' which basically means to take something you already have and give it a bit of a face lift; essentially, to go from drab to FAB! with some simple things that you most likely already have hanging around the house or putting to use some techniques which you already know but just haven't used in a while....maybe in quite a while.

For example, to go from this...

to this

which is what I've been doing with most of my time lately ~ just take a look at my craft blog ~ hence the lack of posting here. But I was thinking about upcycling and how it can absolutely apply to marriage as well. As believers, most of us know what God has to say about marriage but seem to have been going around living in the drab worldly way about it instead of the FAB! way that God designed it to be.

Sometimes, you just have to get creative and before you knock creating (or think that you're not) just remember that we were created by the ultimate Creator and as we're created in His image I'm thinking that means that we all have creative abilities.

So get crackin'! or...um...creatin'!

Apologizing From The Heart...

2010-09-28T17:32:00.000-07:00

We had an awesome Intensive last week! Thanks to all of you who were praying for the couples who attended and us ~ we definitely felt it! As we always do after an Intensive, Michael and I tucked into each other's hearts, rested, spent time with our children, played ~ I got to do some crafting which you can check out here ~ and generally...regrouped. We're good to go now!

For Testimony Tuesday, we wanted to talk about apologizing from the heart and the role this plays in getting a restored marriage. If you've ever apologized to someone just so that you could go back and say, "I said I was sorry," or to cover your own pain & shame so that you could hurry up and move on or, and this is a big one, just because you got caught; then you've only apologized to make yourself feel better, not the person you've hurt.

In marriage restoration, apologizing from the heart is huge and something that really needs to take place in order for healing and closure to be present. This week, we talk about what that looks like, what it means, and how to do it. And remember guys, as initiators, it begins with you.

We hope to have you join us on our ministry call this evening (info is to the right on the sidebar) and be sure to let us know that you're listening in. We'd love to connect with you!

Healing Hurts...

2010-09-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

If you've ever broken a bone, sprained an ankle or had some extensive dental work done, then you know that there's pain involved in healing. Remember when the relationship with your first love ended? The pain involved in that healing process? In a word; "excruciating".

And when the Lord prunes off the dead fruit in our lives, it hurts even though we know (that we know that we know) that it needs to come off because it's sucking the life out of the good fruit that's trying to grow.

In marriage restoration, there's pain in the healing. There is. Embrace it, accept it, press into it because avoiding it only makes the process longer. Promise.

"Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Dicky Fox on Success

2010-09-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

Well now....

2010-09-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

My son, Jack, has to have an ultrasound of his heart next week. It's for a recently detected heart murmur and most likely nothing serious though it has me thinking about a lot of stuff that I need to journal about on my other blog. Anyway, the reality of it just has me feeling SOOOO many different ways today!

Some powerful stuff here in this clip. I'm only kinda sorry if the language offends - it fits the story and it fits my mood.

How Ok Are We?

2010-09-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

In the world of on-line sharing, we've been fortunate to come across some great bloggers who have incredible insight into the dynamics of marriage and Christianity. Today, I (Annalea) read a post by Traylor Lovvorn over at Reflections of a Ragamuffin entitled "I'm Not Ok. You're Not Ok. And That's Ok!" which was awesome and which elicited the following response from me. Because I feel it's an important topic, I wanted to post it here. Oh, and definitely visit both of these blogs because they're terrific!

Hey Traylor,

Great post with a lot of truth and a topic that comes on the heels of a conversation I recently had with Michael and a couple who was at our home for dinner last night.

The conversation started with me bringing up a recent post I'd read over at Project M which asked the question - Is Marriage Hard? - which morphed into a discussion of a program that us two couples are familiar with which encourages people to be their authentic self which, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing (no masks, no pretending, etc.); it just leaves big gaps that never get quite filled. My question/response to that, though, was what about when my "authentic self" hurts another person? Do I justify that with, "hey, this is me....authentically." Somehow, I don't think that would work because it's an authenticity that's self-focused when viewed this way.

Which takes me to your 4th quadrant: "I'm not okay. You're not okay." True statements and definitive Gospel which offers true freedom in Christ. It doesn't seem quite enough to recognize our respective non-okness (how's that for a new word?), however, and leave it at that. I would hope that the recognition would follow with change as it doesn't seem enough to recognize the brokenness and do nothing to move through it; to say, "this is just who I am" because there's no condemnation for those who are in Christ therefore others need to receive me just as He does.

I recognize that you haven't stated this in your post; it's just what came up for me while reading it. In our marriage ministry, we occasionally talk with husbands who claim in one breath that God knows their heart and with the next verbally abuse their wife. Yet they hold fast to that belief because, in their mind, it justifies the strength of their faith even though the Word tells that same man (indeed, tells us all) that out of the mouth speaks the heart. Our response to these men is, "you're absolutely right. God does know your heart."

My reality is this: my marriage would never have been restored had Michael continued to look at pornography and go to strip clubs. Do we both recognize that as a part of non-okness? Yes. Though to just recognize it and do nothing to move out of it would have been counter productive and, in my opinion, a poor representation of Christianity.

The Beginning of Our Marriage Restoration Journey

2010-08-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

I was looking in Michael's 'sent' email folder today for something that he'd forwarded to me last month and found this letter that I'd given him a couple of weeks before we went to our Marriage Intensive. As it's part of our personal story, we thought it perfect to post for Testimony Tuesday.

Dear Michael,

I'm really glad that we seem to be on a path to restoring our marriage. I'm glad that you are reading Joel and Kathy's books and that you've been open to their teaching, experience and suggestions as hard as that may be for you at times. I recognize that you want to try to make changes in your life that will positively affect me, you and our marriage and will help you to become that man that God has called you to be.

I think that the Intensive could be a huge turning point for both of us and I want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to pay the fee as soon as possible so that we can go. I think it was a complete blessing from the Lord that I was able to use my miles and I don't think we can afford to lose this opportunity. I hope you feel the same.

I also want to say that I'm glad you were finally open to moving out. I know this was difficult for you (you even mentioned pride, humiliation, etc.) and I recognize your struggle. The thing is, it's not working for me (not with it being just a "clothes out" move). Even though I at first agreed (actually suggested) that you continue to come here to do your work, I don't feel in control of my life knowing that you're still coming here everyday. It doesn't feel like a true separation and though I struggle with being alone and wanting to be taken care of by you (especially during my pregnancy) I don't feel like I have any space that I can call my own right now to grow and breathe. I know that I've asked you to stay a couple of times and you've immediately said that you don't want to overstay your welcome. I'm glad that you're conscious of that boundary.

It's just that, for me, it's more of a struggle to grow through this and really focus on restoring myself when I see you all the time. It's too easy for me to want to throw everything away and just make love and forget that there are some real issues that need to be dealt with ~ especially by you ~ before we can really and truly come back together. I will go out on a limb here to say that you struggle with the same thing and these two wrongs for us both definitely do not make a right.

NEGATIVE - What I've seen from you since you agreed to move out is (and even since we started talking again):
- putting the fact that you forced me out back on me and trying to make me feel bad about it
- not moving your clothes out until I said something
- wanting to be secretive about who had the tapes
- you still trying to have some control in my life
- you not having to pay any rent on the apartment as I've already done so
- two months of an unpaid mortgage, etc. - allowing G to have the upper hand in his relationship with you (language, disrespect, boundaries, etc.) which speaks of your relationship with me

POSITIVE - I've also seen you:
- reading Joel & Kathy's books
- making some apologies
- doing some work around the house
- buying gifts
- going on some appointments
- putting gas in my car
- buying groceries

I think that the negative stuff is your arrested development and pride getting in the way. I think that the positive stuff is you really wanting to make an effort. I think we both need some space. And so I'm asking you to move your office to the apartment for the time being. It just feels too much like I've come home to you on your terms (like every time before) and I need you to come back on mine.

I get the inconvenience of it all and I can already hear the prideful excuses. Still, I'm hoping for the positive effort.

Five days later, Michael sent the following email to J&K:

Dear Joel and Kathy,

Money is very tight right now. I am self employed so no check every Friday. However I do have money coming in, and paying for the intensive is on the top of the list. I have read your first book and now I have started to read your second book. Learning to listen to my wife's heart is what I am working on also owning how I have hurt her. She is still unsure if the changing in me is genuine, although it seems like she is beginning to open up with me. When she poses a request I am learning to listen and act on it right away. Thank you for being so open and for setting me on the right path to love my wife with agape love.

By Acting Like A Man In Love....

2010-08-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

...he became a man in love

enough said, n'est pas?

WOW! Our little boy is 3!

2010-08-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

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In just a few days, our son Daniel will turn 3 years old and it's amazing that three years have passed us by in what feels like an instant.

I was 5 months pregnant with Daniel (our only child together) when I filed for divorce and just a couple of months away from having him when we began our marriage restoration. There was a lot that came up for me at that time. When Jeff was alive, I was 5 months pregnant with Evan when we found out that he had terminal cancer. And when he became very sick, he was mostly on the couch and had to depend on those around him for all of his needs.

A week after Daniel was born, my c-section incision opened and I had to be on bed rest (which I did on the couch) for 2 months during which I had to depend on Michael for everything. It just brought up so much for me and put me in a place of completely having to trust him and him completely dying to self and putting me first. Whether we wanted it to look this way or not, we were thrown head first into our restoration .

But, looking back, this was the best way for us - God couldn't have orchestrated it any better. And Daniel's birth was such a blessing! His promise of new life; in our child, in our family and in our marriage!

Amazing Pumpkin Pie!

2010-08-18T08:00:00.001-07:00

One of my (Annalea) favorite things about eating live raw foods is eating the desserts! I'm tellin' you what - you won't believe how delicious uncooked sweets can be and once you start making them, you'll want to do it again and again. AND....you could even eat them for breakfast if you wanted to!

Okay....I'll sign you up for that!

In fact, this Raw Pumpkin Pie tastes so much like the traditional fare - right down to the crust - that you won't even miss it and if you were to add it to your Thanksgiving table this year, I'll bet it'll end up GONE...GONE...GONE!

I found this recipe on line one day (here's the original) and was intrigued because there's no pumpkin in it! I did fudge around with the recipe a bit to suit my personal taste and because I was out of some of the ingredients but I promise you'll LOVE it!

Crust:
2 cups raw pecans
1/2 cup pitted dates, soaked
1/8 - 1/4 tsp sea salt (check after 1/8)
1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

Place pecans into food processor and grind until somewhere between coarse and fine. Add remaining ingredients and process until well combined. Pour into a 8-9 inch tart/pie pan with a removable bottom and pat mixture evenly over the bottom (you may go up the sides of your pan if you wish).

Filling:
1/2 cup raw cashews that have been soaked in water for 4-6 hours (I used 1 cup soaked which is about 3/4 cup dried)
1/2 cup agave nectar
1/4 cup yacon root syrup (I didn't use this because I didn't have it. I understand it has a real molasses flavor. The 1/2 cup of agave makes it plenty sweet though)
1/2 cup virgin coconut oil
1/2 cup carrot juice (I made my own juice so I also threw the pulp into the mix)
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon (I only used 1 tsp)
1 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg (I only used 1 tsp AND added 1/2 tsp of ground cloves)
Vanilla powder to your taste (I just now noticed this. I didn't use it though a little vanilla probably be good though, because of the coconut oil I think it's fine w/o)

Just put everything into your food processor and whirl away until everything is well incorporated. Pour on top of your pecan crust and chill for 2-3 hours before serving.

I think a cashew whipped cream would be divine with this, especially spiked with a bit of fresh orange zest but, alas, I'm without a VitaMix blender (hi Russ!) which is like the god of all blenders so that will have to wait until I find myself in the black. The link above showed the pie with chocolate drizzled over the top which would probably not be too bad as I do enjoy pumpkin bread with little chocolate chips in it. All that to say...experiment! Have fun and play with your food!

I won't tell anyone.

Well....actually, I might.

Okay, about the ingredients in this pie, and because this is Wellness Wednesday, I want to expound a bit on the health benefits of virgin coconut oil which are actually quite varied. Here's a little Youtube video about it along with some tips on ways to use it. Oh, I buy mine at Whole Foods and be sure to try the raw coconut butter.

Oh. My. Goodness!!!!

Marriage Intensive Gave Us Hope and Restoration!

2010-08-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

In March of 2007, without hope and with great heartache, I (Annalea) filed for divorce. For three years prior to that we had tried to get help, we'd been separated several times, gone to counseling, read books, gone through workshops. We just got worse and neither of us could figure out why.

Two months later, I found Joel and Kathy Davisson's ministry - God Save My Marriage - and learned that they facilitated Marriage Intensives in their home town of Palm Coast, FL. We went and, well, the rest is history. If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you'll know the outcome and if you're a first time reader, I hope the title of our blog is a give away to what we've experienced (and continue to experience) since we attended.

God had SO MUCH to teach us!

Now, Michael and I facilitate the same Marriage Intensive out here in southern California. In fact, we have one coming up in Anaheim, CA September 16-19 and if you'd like to attend with your spouse, just shoot us an email or give us a call.

They're really amazing and if you're willing and teachable....you'll get a miracle too!

Hope to hear you on our call tonight at 7!

Movie Night!

2010-08-12T18:03:00.000-07:00

With so many people cutting back these days (including us), it seems like the first things to go are the frivolities...the wants instead of the needs. Even so, it's super important that one of the things we couples don't give up is date night. And while Michael and I think it's important to actually leave the house we get that there may be times when this isn't feasible; especially if a lack of extra funds is an issue.

However, if you can part with a 5 spot this week, spring for a movie, put the kids to bed and snuggle up on the couch or in bed together (clothes optional - even for the couch) and watch a movie. We've recommended some of our favorites and if you want to add to the list, be sure to leave a comment.

Have fun!
(disclaimer. some of these have a bit of nudity, like Troy, and some violence and/or cursing. you may want to use an online movie review site such as pluggedin.com to check first)

Girl With A Pearl Earring
Double Jeopardy
Roman Holiday
Flawless
Bottle Shock
North by Northwest
Pride and Prejudice
Swing Vote
What Dreams May Come
Lars And The Real Girl
Babbette's Feast (foreign)
The Wedding Planner
Shop Girl
Arranged
Juno
The Blind Side
Ushpizin (foreign)
Star Trek
Bride and Prejudice
The Wedding Singer
Stardust
Cellular
Hancock
The Nativity Story
How To Lose Friends And Alienate People
Australia
My Man Godfrey
The Holiday
Duets
Mrs. Miniver
Facing The Giants
Sliding Doors
Hildalgo
Napoleon Dynamite
Ocean's Eleven
Monsoon Wedding
National Treasure
The Illusionist
Silk
The Lady In The Water
State Of Play

Wellness Wednesday

2010-08-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

If you listen to our ministry calls on Tuesday nights and it happens to be late in the evening, you just might find us talking about food instead of marriage. I seriously have no idea how it started...it was several months ago and, admittedly, I (Annalea) am an avid "foodie", it was towards the end of a call and those of us still on began talking about eating live raw foods. This went on for a couple of months and then we seemed to take a bit of a hiatus from it but somehow this evening the conversation was resurrected.

With some good-natured prompting, I was moved to tentatively start a section of our marriage blog that would feature recipes, tips and other blogs related to incorporating more raw (I mean 'live') foods into our lives/diets.

So, Wellness Wednesday was born (name is still up in the air...suggestions?) and, really, I think the wellness part fits with the theme of a restored ~ well ~ marriage. Too much of a stretch? That's okay, we're still in the testing stage. Kinda like trying out a new recipe. Okay...Okay...

Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Cor. 10:31

The benefits of a living foods (raw) diet are amazingly endless. Just type 'raw food diet' into your favorite search engine and you'll be amazed at how many sites there are devoted to the subject.

Really. Open up another window and do it.

Then come back.

Did you do it?

No? Okay. Just promise to do it after you read this. And while you're at it (especially if you're a foodie like me), take a look at these sites; they're some of my favorites:

Raw On $10 A Day (or less!)

Sweetly Raw

Raw Radiance

In The Raw

Raw Epicurean

Rawmazing

That should hold you for now. I don't want to give you too many and then be held responsible for all of the work you don't get done because you spent two hours looking at a bunch of recipes for uncooked food.

I know. It's crazy. Crazy GOOD!

For now, on this maiden voyage, I'll show you some pics of a juice I made to get you inspired. Oh, in case you might be wondering, I have a Champion juicer. I've had it for 10 years and I love it! Powerful and uber easy to clean unlike the Jack La Lane juicer which my loving husband brought into the marriage and which we have a continued dispute over - which one is the best?

I'll give you a hint. Mine is.

The beauty of fresh juice is that it's all good for you ~ amazing actually ~ and you can throw in whatever sounds good. This one was a mixture of carrots, apples, beets, celery and oranges. Here are my other favorites:

Pink grapefruit and apple

Green lemonade (about 8 romaine leaves, 1/2 cucumber, 2-3 stalks of celery, 2 apples, 1/2 a peeled lemon, 1-inch piece of fresh ginger)

Carrot, apple, parsley

Watermelon

These are all delicious and you're body will thank you for treating it so nicely.

Yes it will!

Have fun and experiment. Always use organic when you can. You don't have to peel cucumbers, or ginger or apples when you juice them. Probably other things too. You'll figure it out as you go.

You know what else? I'm pretty sure that Adam and Eve didn't cook anything when they were in Eden.

I'm just sayin'.

I Still Remember...

2010-08-08T08:19:00.001-07:00

I found this picture of us last night. It's from our wedding day. I was looking at it and thinking about what a beautiful day it was and how much heartache we experienced in spite of it; in spite of ourselves. It was a sad thought. And then I was driving back from Starbucks this morning (yep, I'm fan) and this song came on the radio and it completely took me back to all of those sleepless nights and heartache-filled conversations. You know the ones. You know (or remember) the feelings.

It was a loss.

I know. Why go there when it's SO much better now? I don't know. Chalk it up to my mood, the song, cloud cover, the "picture perfect memories scatted all around the floor..." Losses can still be mourned, especially ~ I think ~ when the redemption is so sweet.

Still....

His 10% is Her 90%

2010-08-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

There's a place in the heart of every wife that needs to be fulfilled in a very specific way and that wife will look to her husband to touch that place, cherish it, validate it and help it to flourish. It's her 90%. When he doesn't, everything else that he does for her, while appreciated, becomes her 10% ~ secondary to this need within her.

Now, I know that we (as believers) can and should look to Christ to fulfill all of our needs; and He will. I also know that in a Christian marriage, God calls a husband to represent Christ to his wife by loving her unconditionally and laying his life down for her, just as Christ did for the church. The thing is, many of these same men will do just enough to look like a good, godly, Christian man/husband and only give what they want to or what they're comfortable giving and expect their wife to be okay with that. And the crazy thing is that he knows (that he knows, that he knows) what her 90% is but won't give it to her. Chalk it up to pride, ego...whatever.

Today we give some insight into this dynamic and an example of what it looks like lived out.

We sure do hope you'll join us this evening on our weekly marriage ministry call (dial in information is in the sidebar to your right) and if you have any comments or questions, be sure to leave them at the end of this post or send us an email yourmarriagerestored@gmail.com

Remember, if we can do it...You Can Do It Too!

An Overdue Apology

2010-07-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

The growth in Michael's character over the last three years ~ as a believer and as a husband ~ has been tremendous. As we've walked out our marriage restoration together, this change in him has fostered a deep trust and vulnerability that not only serves to strengthen our relationship, it's also created safety, great love and oneness between the two of us.

You may remember that we just finished a Marriage Intensive a week ago. It was during this time ~ in conversation with one of the couples ~ that a memory came up for me from our bad days; a time when Michael had falsely accused me of inappropriate behavior with a dear friend. I'd been deeply hurt by him over that event (as had my friend and his wife) and it was the first time in our relationship that Michael had made a false accusation of me which was a foreshadow of things to come for us.

I think that because these kinds of accusations continued and worsened over the years, the incredulity of the first time lessened a bit though the relationship between my friends and myself definitely suffered and it was sad for all of us. Where it had once been extremely close, it changed and became very fragile and...careful.

So, here we were ~ at the Intensive ~ and in the course of conversation this particular incident came up and Michael realized that he would have a chance to apologize to my friend in person (no less) because he was going to be in California visiting with another friend (these guys were my late husband's best friends) and they were going to visit with us during our vacation.

It was awesome. Michael greeted both guys warmly and with an openness and a trust that I can SO tell you he never had in our bad days. During the course of their time with us, he took the opportunity to humbly and sincerely apologize for his actions all those years ago. He made it clear that he didn't expect anything in return, even forgiveness; he just wanted them to know that he was deeply sorry.

This may be a bit confusing as I started off mentioning one guy and now Michael's apologizing to two. The one he apologized to for the accusation, the two he apologized to because he knows of their love and friendship towards my late husband and their concern over how Michael had treated me in the past. Got it?

All this to say that we continue to have times of restoration as we walk this out and that it's moments like this that make it all worth it; for my heart, for Michael's heart and for the hearts of others.

And to that I say, "Amen!"

Our Intensive Testimonies

2010-07-20T20:37:00.001-07:00

Having just finished a Marriage Intensive this past weekend, I thought it would be fun to post the testimonies that we wrote to Joel and Kathy 3 years ago when we went to our Intensive (they actually still had them on their site!). It was fun to look back and see what our feelings about it were as I've been posting the testimonies of the couples who were just with us for the past several days.

So...enjoy! And don't forget to jump on over and read the most recent testimonies from the Intensive we just had (only have two up so far as we're on vacay and could only post the ones we received via email so check back next week for the others). If you're thinking of coming yourself, our next Marriage Intensive takes place in Anaheim, CA September 16 - 19. Perhaps we'll see you there!

Dear Joel and Kathy,

How can I begin to describe what your Intensive has meant to my marriage? My wife and I have been separated for about four months. In that time, my wife introduced me to your books and the scales began to come off of my eyes. It turns out that I was not Prince Charming - on the contrary, I have been quite the clueless husband who has fallen short of meeting my wife's needs.

Not only has your Intensive Weekend given me the knowledge and skills needed to be the man who God has meant for me to be by meeting my wife's needs - we are no longer separated! Praise the Lord! ~ Michael (and Annalea)

Dear Joel and Kathy,

When my husband and I separated for the THIRD time and I had filed for divorce, I began searching for something - ANYTHING - that would give me a reason as to why I had come to such desperate measures. Your web site, books, phone counsel, group calls and this Weekend Marriage Intensive have been like cooling water to my marriage.

After some "not so subtle" hints, my husband finally agreed to read your books. Then he began to listen to the weekly conference calls and be both knew that coming to an Intensive was a must for the beginning of true healing. We have both learned so much from your guidance, love, honesty and support. Because of these things, I now have a glimmer of the hope I've been so desperately searching for. Can this be real? Is it really possible to be treated like a queen? I've always known I was meant to be a "Royal" (smile) ~ Annalea (and Michael)

Swagger Wagon

2010-07-08T10:09:00.001-07:00

Marriage Restoration Success

2010-07-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

Michael landed on something great during one of our weekly ministry calls a couple of weeks ago; Guys ~ get out of your wife's head. Don't assume how your wife will react to something you do or say. Instead, do the right thing (be Christlike) and let her decide how to react.

Trust that when you do the right things, the desire that God has put into her heart will come back to life toward you and then enjoy the results when she begins to respond warmly. Don't decide that she is going to reject you and then live from that. Get out of her head.

Ladies: Get out of husband's head. Enjoy his positive words and actions when he does them. Don't get into why he's doing them, how he's feeling about them, or if he want to do them....just enjoy the positive actions and words of love. Let him fight his own battles in getting his flesh to die and getting his heart and head into the right place.

Assuming that you know what the other is thinking and feeling can work against you and the marriage. Remember, you're both coming from a different place now so don't set each other up for failure. Walk out what you're learning together and set your marriage up for success!

Hope to have you both join us on the call tonight at 7pm! Dial in information can be found in the side bar to the right so don't be shy!

We care about your marriage!

Through The Fire

2010-07-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was going through a box of files looking for a birth certificate for one of our boys and came across a file that said "Divorce/Restraining Order". I pulled it out and opened it. Inside was a copy of the divorce papers I'd served Michael with in March of 2007 along with a credit card slip for $1100 that he'd spent to retain an attorney along various notes and financial statements.

I felt a vice squeeze my heart.

Even though, praise God, our marriage is restored it was no less painful seeing those documents from that time in our lives. You may be wondering why Michael still even had the file. I know I did. First off, he keeps just about everything and when I brought it to him and asked why it was still with us, he'd genuinely forgotten about it. Then he took me in his arms and held me and apologized for how he was with me back then and validated the choice I felt I had to make at the time and apologized again for the fact that he'd been with me in a way that even got me to considering divorce. Afterward, we checked it to make sure there wasn't anything in it that we needed to keep such as W2's or our marriage certificate, etc. Then we threw it in the garbage because for us now, that's what it is.

When I thought about writing this post I thought it would have been good to take a picture of those papers with our names on it but then I realized that I never want to see them again or be reminded of where we used to be. I know that Michael loves me and our children and that he's fully committed to our marriage. He walks through the fire for me every day - laying down his life for me as the ultimate sacrifice unto God.

Good Orgasm Bad Marriage

2010-06-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Michael and I had lots of sex in our bad days. Lots of great sex actually which was about the only good thing between us that we could lay claim to back then. We thought sex = love and love = sex.

With all the craziness we experienced together back then and both of us feeling so out of control, we resorted to sex as a way to solve our problems, when in reality we were only burying the issues under a false sense of closeness. Those times we joined together in sexual intimacy we relieved our relational pain (without solving it) and made ourselves (and each other) feel good knowing that when the high wore off, we'd be right back to where we'd started. We were a product of our collective emotional arrestedness that said, "I'm only okay (loved, accepted, valued, etc.)/the relationship is in tact if Michael/Annalea has sex with me.

So....good orgasms; über bad marriage.

I (Michael) thought - like many husbands - that if my wife would have sex with me whenever I wanted her to and however I wanted her to then our marriage would be fine. I'd be accepted by her, my need to feel like a man would be fulfilled and SHAZAAM! I'd get the wife I wanted....and somehow, I'd get this marriage thing right.

The opposite happened. Annalea did give me sex whenever I wanted, the problem was that I wanted it during times that I'd been verbally and/or emotionally abusive towards her (to assuage my insecurities) so all her having sex with me did was reinforce my bad behavior towards her and I didn't change into the man she needed me to be nor did I get the wife that I needed and wanted.

My thoughts and arguments weren't only flawed, they weren't scriptural. If Annalea gives me sex, then things will be fine, great, whatever. So not true! I discovered that the way to a great and happy marriage was to choose first to treat Annalea with a Christ-like love. Then as I stayed obedient to the Lord, trusting Him and trusting that Annalea would respond positively toward me as I chose to treat her the way God called me to, our marriage did turn around. This was (and continues to be) nothing short of a miracle.

Annalea and I both grew up in broken homes so neither of us saw our parents in a happy, whole marriage. Instead we became the products of infidelity, alcoholism, divorce, physical abuse, control, sexual molestation, drug use, promiscuity; perhaps some of the things that you yourself experienced growing up. For us to be happily married is a first in who knows how many generations in our respective families.

It's our heart's desire that you experience this kind of transformation in your own marriage. Seriously, if we can do it....You Can Do It Too!

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-21T15:30:00.001-07:00

So yesterday was Father's Day for all the dads out there and it was a nice relaxing time for Michael at our house. Breakfast in bed, cards from the kids, games, watching movies, lunch in bed and steaks on the grill for dinner. We (the kids and I) are so blessed that Michael is such an amazing dad, especially now that he's an incredible husband!

More often than not, we hear of (Christian) husbands who leave the raising of their children to their wife or who are very involved in their childrens' lives but who are abusive to their wives. How sad is that? Being the kind of husband God calls a man to be isn't just a blessing to the wife, it's a blessing to the children as well; it makes them feel safe and gives them hope that they will one day have a happy marriage and family.

Amen and amen!

The Man I Want to Be

2010-06-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

Annalea came home last night telling me about a song she'd heard on the radio while driving home. She didn't know what it was called or who sang it but she was really excited because she said the words were just like the message of this ministry.

After a little searching around on the internet, she found out that the song was called The Man I Want to Be by Chris Young. She shared the lyrics and video with me tonight and all I can say is that if I were to write a poem or the lyrics to a song of the changes that have been occurring within me over these last three years I wouldn't describe it any differently than Mr. Young has.

The cry of my heart has always been to be the man that God has called me to be. It's my hope that every Christian husband and father fully embrace this journey of real Christian manhood and husbandry; to be the man that he truly wants to be.

The Man I Want to Be, Chris Young

God, I'm down here on my knees
Cause its the last place left to fall
Beggin for another chance
If theres any chance at all
That you might still be listenin
Lovin and forgivin guys like me
Ive spent my whole life gettin it all wrong
And I sure could use your help cause from now on

I wanna be a good man
A do like I should man
I wanna be the kind of man the mirror likes to see
I wanna be a strong man
And admit that I was wrong, man
God I'm asking you to come change me
To the man I wanna be

There's anyway for her and me to make another start
Could you see what you could do
To put some love back in her heart
Cuz it going to take a miracle
After all Ive done to really make her see

That I wanna be a stay man
I wanna be a great man
I wanna be the kind of man that she shes in her dreams
God, I wanna be your man
And I wanna be her man
God, I only hope she still believes
In the man I wanna be

Well, I know this late at night that talk is cheap
Lord, don't give up on me

I wanna be a givin man
I wanna really start livin man
God, I'm asking you to come change me
To the man I wanna be

Wedded Bliss

2010-06-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

Our Testimony Tuesday video may be a day late but it's definitely not short on a great message - that of Wedded Bliss! We actually filmed it last Thursday (hence, the first night reference to the Laker/Celtic game!) at a wedding that we went to and felt it was the perfect place to look back and reflect on where we were when we first married and where we are now, 6 years later and 3 years into our marriage restoration.

Solid As A Rock!

You can be too!

SOLID AS A ROCK by Ashford and Simpson (oh yeah....)

And for love's sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave
And soon both of us learned to trust
Not run away, it was no time to play
We build it up and build it up and build it up

And now it's solid
Solid as a rock
That's what this love is
That's what we've got, oh, mmm...

Solid
Solid as a rock
And nothing's changed it
The thrill is still hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot

You didn't turn away
When the sky went gray
Somehow we managed
We had to stick together

You didn't bat an eye
When I made you cry
We knew down the line
We would make it better

And for love's sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave
And soon both of us learned to trust
Not run away, it was no time to play
We build it up and build it up and build it up

Now it's solid
Solid as a rock [Ooh]
That's what this love is
That's what we've got

Solid
Solid as a rock
And nothing's changed it
The thrill is still hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot

And with that feeling we were willing to take a chance
So against all odds, we made a start
We got serious (Ooh), this wouldn't turn to dust
We build it up and build it up and build it up

And now it's solid
Solid as a rock
That's what this love is
That's what we've got!

Wedding Pic & Lots of S.E.X.!

2010-06-05T20:30:00.001-07:00

A few days ago, Michael and I went to the wedding of my best friend's little sister. It's hard to believe that the little 7-year-old girl I met 20 years ago is now a new bride and starting a life with a new husband by her side.

When it came time for the vows, they each said something to one another that I thought was really amazing, "I take you, as a gift from the hand of God..." Isn't that wonderful and isn't that what God intended our spouse to be for us? A gift from His hand. It sure didn't feel like that in our bad days - it was more like a curse for how bad it was. Not a curse from God but a seriously cursed marriage.

We are so wonderfully far from that now that it's almost impossible to recall those old feelings which is definitely something that's become a welcome change for us both. And so here we are ~ as you can see from the picture above ~ happy and close and in love and.....better.

Whole.

Stable.

Solid.

Together.

ONE!

And guess what? Starting today, we're taking part in the Seven Days of Sex Challenge from ONE Extraordinary Marriage. It's not too late if you want to sign up today and you and your spouse can take part in making love for 7 days in a row! We've been happily chatting about it since last week and we already have a 3 day head start (that will be 10 days for us!)!

Hee! Hee!

Have fun and leave us a message letting us know if you've signed up.

Be blessed!

Shocking Stats on Internet Porn

2010-06-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

Via: Online MBA

And The Two Shall Become One Flesh

2010-06-01T15:07:00.001-07:00

I used to think that becoming 'one flesh' just applied to the sexual aspect of marriage and while that's part of it, Michael and I are learning that it's really SO much more! Today we talk about what that looks like for us and what it can look like for you too!

Remember to join us this evening for our weekly marriage ministry call at 7pm (pst)!

Be blessed!

A Great Apology!

2010-05-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

One of the things we do at our Marriage Intensives is show the movie Fireproof and even though we've seen it several times now, we never fail to feel the impact of it's message for our own marriage and the marriages of the couples who watch it with us.

Seriously, all of us are in tears (even the guys) at some point throughout the movie but never more so as when Caleb makes his apology to his wife, Catherine. I love how he tells her that he's on day 43 when there are only 40 days in the book, "who says I have to stop?"

Here's the thing, the scripture doesn't say, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her for 40 days; or 3 months; or a year-and-a-half." It says, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her." Period. End of discussion. No time limit. It's forever.

When a husband realizes this ~ the truth of the scripture ~ and begins to live this out with his wife, similar to how Caleb begins to live with and for Catherine, his wife's heart will begin to open up towards him.

Welcome to the new normal!

Blessing to you!

Who's Hungry?

2010-05-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

I was recently reading a post over at The Generous Wife ~ a terrific blog and a companion to The Generous Husband ~ in which the author, Lori, speaks of men being sexually hungry in a marriage and women being emotionally hungry. She says, "You have opposing hungers and both spouses are finding it hard to give out of their emptiness."

This was an interesting post and the many comments it received and, as a wife, made me wonder....weren't our husbands meeting our emotional needs before we married them? Isn't this one of the reasons we said 'yes' when they proposed, this kind of sweet pursuit? Ladies, let's just all acknowledge right now that this was a big sexual turn on for us. And if we were sexually active with them before we married them, did we give them sex first without there being an emotional draw/connection? I don't think so.

So why do we settle for the absence of being emotionally pursued after the vows are said and take on the role of sexual initiator so that our hearts will be cherished in return? In my opinion, this is like Cinderella placing the glass slipper on Prince Charming. Totally backwards. Ick!

Now, I'm not saying that a wife should never initiate sex with her husband, not at all. I'm saying that she shouldn't feel that she has to in order to get what she needs. God calls a husband to go first in the marriage by loving his wife as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her. This is unconditional love. This is a husband dying to himself in order for his bride to live and to be cherished and nurtured (holy and without blemish, spot or wrinkle). This is what enables her to be giving in her sexuality toward her husband.

If he did it while dating, there's no excuse for him not to do it in marriage.

I'm just sayin'.

No Arms, No Legs....No Worries

2010-05-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

A lot of my friends put videos up on their facebook posts and, I'll admit, I don't look at all of them. But this morning, I noticed that my cousin had posted one and, for whatever reason, I decided to watch it. WOW! I'm sooooo glad that I did! With tears in my eyes, I called Michael over to watch it and with tears in his eyes, we decided this would be the Testimony Tuesday video we'd share with all of you today. It's hugely powerful and tugs at your heart in a way you can feel!

Ladies....you're soooo beautiful just the way you are!!!!

and Guys...You Da Man!!!!

We love you! Be blessed and remember to join us tonight at 7pm (pst) for our weekly marriage ministry call (dial-in information is in the sidebar to the right)!

I'd like to say that if we can do it...you can do it too. But today I want to say that if this guy can do what he does every single day...Then We All Can Do It Too!!!

Where Are You Today?

2010-05-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

When I was washing my hair this afternoon, the question of "Where Are You Today?" popped into my head. I began to apply this question to my own life and realized that I'm actually in a good, balanced place and one of discovery as well. See, I'm a week and a half into a program to overcome anxiety and panic attacks, something that I've been dealing with for over 20 years, and I'm already noticing a huge difference in my life (feeling a new blog coming on). I'm learning to stay out of the past, (anger and guilt), to keep out of the future (fear and anxiety) and to live in the precious, present moment.

I'm also enjoying Michael and and my boys in a very different way; one that's calmer and more relaxed and has me being more aware of my thankfulness to God for all that He's blessed me (and us) with. I'm feeling ..... brighter somehow (if that makes any sense).

So, where are you today?

Is Your Marriage A Tango? or Tango x Two

2010-05-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

The popular phrase, "It takes two to tango," is one that's familiar to most of us. Literally, something said when two people involved in a bad situation are equally responsible. The old adage of 50/50 in a relationship or situation.

Have you ever seen a couple dance the tango? Have you ever danced a tango with someone? I've only seen it danced but it was one of the most beautiful, erotic, romantic things I've ever seen. How I'd love to learn the dance with Michael.....sigh....I digress. Sorry.

Anyway, I bring up the tango because my experience of it wasn't a 50/50 kind of thing. It was a man leading and protecting his woman, making her feel and look beautiful and very womanly. It was his strength enhancing her delicacy. It was her femininity enhancing his masculinity. It was something that they had to do together or fail spectacularly in the language of the dance; silent words that spoke of love and life and sex; vulnerability and support; breathtaking drops and reassuring closeness...equally responsible for the fullness of the relationship.

The Perfect Proverbs 31 Woman

2010-05-11T15:56:00.001-07:00

Many women have heard of the Proverbs 31 Woman. If you're a Christian woman, you've probably read books about her, studied her, participated in a woman's ministry about her or gone to a retreat where she's been the headliner.

Today, I talk about this paragon of virtue and why I believe she is who she is and does what she does.

I'll give you a hint (guys)....she wasn't born that way.

Join us tonight at 7pm (pst) for our weekly marriage ministry call. 512.716.6531 to call in and the access code is 981128#.

Las Vegas Kiss

2010-05-11T11:15:00.001-07:00

Last month, Michael and I went to his sister's wedding in Vegas. She caught us in a kiss and snapped a pic. It was a super fun day...so glad I'm not a blond anymore (no offense if you are, it's just not my color. What can I say...I was born a brunette)!

Hey, don't forget about our weekly marriage ministry call tonight. We start at 7pm (pst) and would be blessed to have you on! 512.716.6531 access code is 981128#

God's Big Orange Chair

2010-05-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

It being Mother's Day and all, today at church our pastor shared a story of how, when he was a small boy, his mother would take him in her arms and sit with him in the big orange chair in her bedroom and comfort him with a song (Mocking Bird) whenever he was hurt or sad. This memory holds much fondness for him which was evident in his telling of this memory.

I'm sure that today was a source of much joy for many women; perhaps it was their very first Mother's Day or they're blessed with children who took the time to honor them and make the day special for them. I know there are women for whom this day was filled with heartbreak and sadness because although they desperately want children, they have none yet and perhaps never will have a child of their own body or they've lost a child to death or drugs or alcohol. Maybe you're reading this and today was difficult for you because you never had a mother who held you or loved on you or was there for you like you needed her to be. Perhaps you're a wife celebrating your first Mother's Day without your husband because the two of you are separated or going through a divorce. A very dear friend of ours is currently in this boat and it's heartbreaking.

Our pastor pointed out that no matter what your story is, God can reorient it. He has His own big orange chair...the best, most comfortable big orange chair and He longs to bring you onto His lap and comfort you with a word or a song or a touch. I urge you to accept the reality of His provision for you.

You are so very loved!

Our Story

2010-05-04T14:26:00.000-07:00

Joel and Kathy Davisson, the creators of God Save My Marriage, recently asked for our testimony and we realized that we actually hadn't really written about it here or made a video of it; it's been more piecemealed out than anything so we thought we'd get a bit more specific today for Testimony Tuesday (and because we're sending them a copy, it looks a bit different than you may be used to).

Actually, this was a perfect time to do it having just finished up an Intensive because when we do one, Michael and I are always reminded of where we were and where we are now and all that's gone on in the process.

Remember to call in to our weekly marriage ministry call tonight at 7pm (pst) to get some help for your marriage and if you're thinking of coming to a Marriage Victory Intensive, we're holding the next one July 15~18 in Anaheim, CA. We'd love to welcome you there and help you and your spouse get on the road to an Outrageously Happy Marriage!

If we can do it....You Can Do It Too!

Taking God's Word With You

2010-05-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

With all of the craziness going on in our lives these days ~ especially in our marriages ~ spending time in the Word is so very important and desperately needed. Unfortunately, it's still a challenge for many of us.

That said, I was really excited to learn about a newly launched bible study app--Wave Study Bible®--for the iPhone and iPod Touch. It's an app built for the average person and makes it simple to integrate God's Word into your daily life. It comes with four free Bible versions (Greek New Testament, King James Version, New English Translation, God's Word Translation). Using the in-application store you can add any of the standard translations (NASB, NKJV, NIV, NIrV, Message, ESV [coming], NLT [coming]).

Anyway, we don't have an iPhone or an iPod touch but we watched the video about it and it looks pretty cool. You might want to check it out which you can do right here.

If you get it, we'd love to know what you think about it.

When A Wife Needs To Die To Self

2010-04-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

So...no video testimony today because I have bad cold and I refuse to get out of my pajamas and pretty myself up today. And since I want to be as well rested as possible for our Marriage Intensive on Thursday, I am typing this post from the comfort of our big smushy bed amidst crumpled kleenex, cups of cold tea and lemon water on my nightstand and the scent of Vick's vapor rub lingering in the air.

Ugh...

I do have a testimony for you though, part of our own and part of mine and I'm not gonna lie to you, it was a difficult pill and one that I (Annalea) needed to swallow.

Can you believe it?

I know. Totally true though because, believe it or not, I'm not always right even when Michael makes it all about me. Kidding.

It goes like this. I've been feeling as if we've hit a plateau over the last couple of months and so about a week ago, I gathered up the courage to ask Michael if he was happy with me and if I was being a blessing to him. He said that he never really thought about it because he was always so focused on being about me and the kids but that he'd give it some thought. Being a passive person, I teeter-tottered between fear of what he'd say and relief that he didn't really say anything on how I was or wasn't being with him.

Now let me just say that over the last three years, Michael has absolutely become a safe place for my heart; it's just the anticipation of hearing that I may not be measuring up as much as I could or should and the reality is that I already know the answer, which is that I'm not. Michael didn't have to say anything for me to already know this.

Here's a small example: Michael rubs my head every night. Without fail and never any less than 10 minutes; in fact, it's usually for 15-20. It's my absolute favorite and I know he enjoys doing it too. Welllllll.... I know that he loves to have his back rubbed but, honestly, I'll do this for him maybe about 1 time out of every 10 that he rubs my head and usually only when he asks it of me.

How lame is that?

Okay, so I already know that I'm missing the mark and that's just one area. I also feel that we've hit a plateau of sorts and breaking through it is largely up to me at this season in our lives because I know that I'm the one holding myself back and thus holding us back.

So, it came down to this: I know (that I know that i know) that Michael will do anything I ask him to. The question is, will I do anything he asks of me.

Which turned out to be hearing him out ~ without getting angry or defensive ~ when he answers the kind of question I asked which, truth be told, was somewhat loaded on my part which is entirely unfair ~ which he brought to my attention and which I got defensive about....

UGH!

He said, "Annalea, what you're doing isn't what we teach. We tell wives to respond to their husbands to the extent that he's blessing her." He's totally right, we do teach that. And where we are now it should be 100%/100%. So I'm thinking over all of the ways that Michael blesses me and thinking, "shit! he does a lot!" and knowing that I could be responding a lot more positively than I do.

And it's not that I don't bless him ~ I do; it's that I could do more ~ a LOT more ~ and I know this. And I got angry and defensive about it.

Who needed to die to self? Hand raised over here (she says sheepishly).

We talked it out though. And talked and talked and made love to which I laughingly asked Michael, "is this make up sex?" and he said, "no, just connecting with you."

I liked that better. I think make up sex is overrated anyway...

A Wife's Role

2010-04-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

You've probably figured out by now that the marriage ministry we're involved in really stands on a husband's toes with regard to how God calls him to treat his wife. Some people, even believers who don't fully understand what this looks like (they haven't read the books, been on the calls, gone to a Marriage Intensive, etc.), get really bugged by this saying that a husband can't be blamed for all of the trouble in the marriage...hasn't the wife played a part in it too?

Of course she has.

Doesn't she have any responsibility in the restoration process?

Absolutely!

In this week's Testimony Tuesday video, I (Annalea) talk about a wife's role and responsibility in getting an Outrageously Happy Marriage. After all, this isn't just The Man of Her Dreams....

It's also The Woman of His!

Why We Settle

2010-04-13T17:35:00.001-07:00

We all have dreams about what married life will be like. A little girl dresses up like a princess and dreams of being loved by a handsome prince; a little boy pretends he's a super hero who vanquishes the evil dragon and rescues the fair maid.

So what happens? Many would say it's unrealistic expectations that are the problem. Many would say, "that's just how men are...that's just how women are..." Wives might say, "he never takes me out or tells me I'm beautiful and when he comes home from work he just sits on the couch and watches television but at least he comes home and he doesn't hit me and the kids can go to private school."

Settling.

Husbands might say, "I may not have her heart and we may not have sex that often but at least I get hot meals, clean clothes, a clean house and I can play golf whenever I want."

Settling.

Why? God has high expectation of His children and for His children. Why then, as Christians, do we leave those high expectations of ourselves and our spouses seemingly at the alter? Why do we just settle and think that this is as good as it gets?

Michael and I stopped settling three years ago and it was one of the most important decisions we ever made.

You so don't have to settle either!

Why A Husband Resists Restoration...and what a wife can do

2010-04-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

Even though they know their relationship with their wife is suffering, many husbands will resist efforts of marriage restoration. A typical scenario looks like this: a husband thinks he's trying and doing his best and because of this he will say it's his wife's fault that the marriage is suffering. Since that's the case (in his mind), then he doesn't need to do anything more than he already is, read any books, seek counseling, go to marriage workshops, etc. He tells himself (and his wife) that if she would just accept him as he is and recognize all he does for her and their family, then everything would be fine.

This is so not the case.

I (Michael) was one of these husbands even though I did read marriage books, went to workshops and sought counseling with Annalea. However, these things never taught me how to be a genuine Christian husband like this ministry has.

At seven months pregnant, Annalea said we either go to this Marriage Intensive or we're done (just a note, she'd already filed divorce papers and tried everything I'd asked her to including all of the above). I realized she was serious and began to genuinely consider the possibility of me having to look at myself and what I was (and wasn't) doing as being the problem in the marriage.

It took me a month of resistance ~ a month of keeping Annalea guessing and holding up the miracle we needed ~ before I agreed to go.

So what can a wife do if she has a husband like I used to be? Watch this weeks video to find out and don't wait another day to get your miracle!

If I can do it....Your Husband Can Do It Too!

Mustard Potatoes & Afternoon Delight

2010-03-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

One of the things that Joel and Kathy recommend to couples is for them to spend as much time together as possible. This even carries into working together ~ such as having a home business ~ which is something that Michael and I do. We don't have a home business, per se, but we work out of our home with this ministry, flipping properties and currently, Michael is getting back into his former business of mortgage finance. So, we spend a lot of time together at home making things happen!

And I gotta tell ya, as long as I get out on my own a few hours a week - we love it! For example, today I've got the fabulous mustard potatoes shown above roasting in the oven (recipe can be found a here at Smitten Kitchen, an uh-MAY-zing food blog I just found today) which we're going to enjoy for lunch, we talk, we touch ~ fabulous lovemaking afternoons when the baby is sleeping ~ we work, we catch up on shows we've missed, we go for walks, play with the kids....we're just together and it's lovely.

In our bad days, I dreaded going to work with Michael. Now...I look forward to it! What a difference some healing makes.

Forgiveness

2010-03-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

Today we're talking about forgiveness and the difference between one having godly sorrow and being sorry they got caught. When someone has offended another person in a way that's deeply hurtful, forgiveness may occur though forgetting the offense can be near impossible yet this is what's often asked of the one offended. Michael and I share what this looked like for us and why restitution and closure are so important in bringing healing.

Be sure to join us tonight on our weekly marriage ministry call at 7pm (pst) ~ dial in information is located in the sidebar ~ and our next Marriage Intensive is filling up fast. If you're thinking of registering just shoot us a quick email to let us know and we'll assist you in getting signed up.

Blessings!

A Note Of Praise!

2010-03-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

We love being able to come to you with a praise report and this week's Testimony Tuesday video is just that. This past weekend, we had the opportunity to visit with one of the couples who was at our last Marriage Victory Intensive and we were so blessed to see the very real change in their marriage.

We tell you all about it in the video so be sure to press play and check it out. Oh yeah....don't be too freaked out by the blond sitting next to Michael. She absolutely has my (and Michael's) permission to be there.

I know...a bit overzealous with the bleach bottle but Hey! I can always dye it back. Please be sure to join us tonight for our weekly marriage ministry call. Dial in information is in the side bar to the right of this post ~ we'd love to have you on and even if you're not comfortable speaking up just yet, please introduce yourself (selves) during roll call and let us know that you're from the blog.

That would be so cool! We love you and remember,

if Michael and Annalea can do it...You Can Do It Too!

Tsst!

2010-03-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

Rules, Boundaries and Limitations!

Those of you who are familiar with Cesar Millan and have watched his show, The Dog Whisperer, will be familiar with those three words. Not only are they important in rehabilitating a dog, I daresay they also fit in our Christian walk and in our marriages.

Michael and I are convinced that a lot of what Cesar says on his show fits for human relationships (remember, he trains people) as well those of a canine nature. Recently, we were watching an episode in which Cesar was working with a woman who had two Doberman Pinschers ~ a male and a female ~ and some of the things he said were so awesome we got out a piece of paper and wrote them down because they can completely crossover to marriages.

"Dogs don't follow unstable energy. Humans are the only ones who follow unstable energy." Hello, wives who stay with their abusive husbands.

"Nervous energy cannot rehabilitate. We have to bring to the moment what we want to get out of it." Hello husbands trying to win their wives hearts.
"Rushing through the day just to try to get what we want only produces that fight or flight sense from those we're trying to get something from." How many of us have experienced that, especially in our marriages?

"I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm doing this to remind you that we have to get back to a balance." How many times have you felt the Lord saying this to you?

This last one really gets me. It's like the Lord saying, "Rules, Boundaries and Limitations. Not to hurt you. To help you, to grow you, to refine you."

Just some food for thought.

Think Your Wife Is Overreacting? Part 2

2010-03-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

As we mentioned in last weeks video ~ Think Your Wife Is Overreacting? ~ this is a topic we could talk about for a long time so we decided to make a part two to follow up a bit more.

Guys, your wife isn't being unreasonable or insatiable or over-the-top about certain things. She's been deeply wounded, by you, for a number of years and, as you bring healing to her, there may be times when she speaks and reacts to you from that wounding.

Don't freak out. Don't get defensive, or justify, or tell her she's crazy or break out a laundry list of all the good you've been doing. Just be with her in it.

Did you get that?

Be with her in it.

Validate her. Love on her. Tell her your sorry - even if you didn't do what's she's saying or you think she's cookoo bananas.

Represent Christ to your bride.

Men of God, You Can Do This!

We Believe In You!!!

Removing The Scales

2010-03-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today in church our pastor ended his sermon by sharing a passage from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, by C.S. Lewis. This passage tells of Eustace, cousin of the Pevensie children and a very selfish bully of a boy who is transformed into a dragon as a result of sleeping on a dead dragon's hoard with "greedy, dragon-ish thoughts" in his heart. When Eustace meets Aslan, the scales he's been trying to remove himself and painfully removed by Aslan with the desired result. It's a beautiful picture of the redemption which occurs when we choose to follow Christ. I think the passage is worth sharing.

"The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. but the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don't know if he said any words out loud or not.

I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and , instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I jsut stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.

But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.

Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.

The the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke - 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

The very first tear he made was do deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.

Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I, as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phoney if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them.

After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me - (with his paws?) - Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes - the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. and then suddenly I was back here. Which is what makes me think it must have been a dream."

Brown Spots On Bananas

2010-03-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamed about Michael. He was sitting at our dining room table in that way that he used to ~ up straight, legs crossed, arms across his chest ~ with that look on his face ~ flat features, condescending and accusing eyes, unmoving. There was a bowl of bananas in front of him and he was very calmly and precisely blaming me for the brown spots that covered them.

There is a ridiculousness to this scene that is only the stuff of dreams.

Yet this is the same ridiculousness that permeated his past accusations of me in our bad days. In my dream, I stood before him, flabbergasted, enraged, incredulous....deeply hurt. F-ing this, F-ing that. I can't believe you're blaming ME for the brown spots on these bananas! What's wrong with you? Seriously...what the F is WRONG WITH YOU?!?

But, there he sat. Unmoved. Unwilling. Absolutely convinced. Every word I said reflected back to me in his blank stare. It didn't matter what I said. I was done.

Obviously, there's still some deep hurt and anger within me that needs healing.

You may be reading this and thinking, "Holy S***! She's still hurt and angry after all this time? That doesn't sound very comforting."

I know. I get it, I really do. Here's the thing though. I told Michael about my dream when I woke up this morning. He didn't get defensive. He didn't justify. He didn't break out a laundry list of everything he's been doing over the last several years to bring healing to my heart. He quietly said, "It's not over yet." I know he means that my healing isn't over yet. He gets it. He's still in it with me.

I know this about him - about his commitment level and at that point it would have been horribly easy (fear of intimacy on my part) to leave it there and stuff the sadness, hurt and anger I was feeling, hop out of bed and go start some coffee. I didn't though. I cried ~ a lot ~ which was big for me because it would have been so much easier to put up a wall and keep Michael at a distance. Instead, I let myself trust him. I let myself be vulnerable. And guess what? The walls didn't cave in on me...Michael didn't run away or shut me down. He let me cry, held me and reassured me of his love for me; expressing sorrow over the shameful way he treated me in our bad days.

I know there's more healing and growing to come for us both and I'm SO blessed that Michael is willing to live this out with me. And you know what's cool? The bananas resting in our fruit bowl right now are a deep, golden yellow.

Not a spot to be seen.

I checked. I'm silly like that.

Give Away Time!!!

2010-03-12T16:10:00.000-08:00

A recent discovery of over 100 posts on our blog has put us in the mood to celebrate! So...we've decided to give away ~ to one of our awesome readers ~ one of Joel and Kathy Davisson's books, The Man of Her Dreams The Woman of His! This is the first book they ever wrote and the initial information we got a hold of to get our marriage from hopelessness, despair and divorce papers to one of Outrageous Happiness. We want to share this with one lucky reader.

Watch the video below to find out how to enter this give away and post your comment.

We're excited! We hope you are too!

High Expectations!

2010-03-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure about you, but before I ever got married I would often hear and read that I shouldn't have high expectations of my marriage or my husband because they're weren't realistic and would just cause failure. I heard a lot along the lines of, "...that's just how men are" and "...all that changes after you get married."

Since I didn't hear anything to the contrary I just assumed that that's what I should expect which wasn't a comforting thought, to say the least. In my first marriage, my husband and I hardly ever made love and when I would bring it up to him, he would tell me that that was normal for most marriages and I would respond with, "but why does our marriage have to be like 'most marriages'?"

Think about it, when our husbands were dating and courting us, they gave us compliments, held our hands, told us we were beautiful, took us out, bought us gifts, talked with us on the phone until late into the night, sent us flowers, shared their hopes and dreams, wore cologne, laughed with us, sent us cards....THIS, my fine gentlemen, is what we said YES to. We blossomed beneath this treatment and responded in kind. I mean, who wouldn't right? And yet, for some inexplicable reason, most of these wonderful things stopped happening shortly after 'I Do' or not long after the first year or two of marriage.

Remember though, we were told (and I'm sure guys were to) not to have high expectations of our marriages and husbands so we just accepted that this is how it was supposed to be.

The net result? Sadness, boredom, settling, physical and emotional affairs, unhappiness, depression, prozac, romance novels, alcohol, poor self image, overeating, making the children our priority, crying, yelling, checking out....divorce.

We tried. Oh man, did we try! With the broken record playing in the background that said that's just how men are, that's just how women are, that's just marriage, that's what happens after you have kids, at least he doesn't hit you or sleep around, at least she's a good cook and keeps the house clean, at least you still have sex sometimes...

We stop having high expectations of one another and for our marriages because we're told to.

Here's the thing though...high expectations within our marriages can be embraced and realized. God has high expectations of us and for us and there's no reason at all why that shouldn't hold true in marriage. So go ahead, think big! Ladies, expect your husband to pursue you as he did when you were dating. Expect him to treat you like a queen. Guys, expect your wife to blossom like a rose when you are being that man that God has called you to be and loving her with a Christ-like love. Expect to be able to meet her needs and become the man of her dreams.

Do this, and she will become the woman of yours!

Promise!

Think Your Wife Is Overreacting? Think Again!

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Something that's been coming up lately in our conversations with Christian married couples is husbands thinking that they're wives are overreacting to a certain situation or memory. Today we're sharing with you why this comes up, where it comes from and ~ husbands ~ how to stop it in it's tracks. We also realized in making this video, that we really could talk on this topic a lot more and we will so stay tuned.

Hope to have you dial in tonight to our weekly marriage ministry call at 7pm (pst). You'll find the numbers you need to the right in our side bar. If you do call, please say "Hi!" during role call and let us know that you're on and remember....

if Michael and Annalea can do it....You Can Do It Too!

And The Oscar Goes To.....

2010-03-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

Ryan Bingham! For thanking his wife first!!!

Way to go Mr. Bingham! You rock for making your wife your #1 priority on national television (or was it worldwide?!?)!

(watch this - sorry about the commercial)

Protecting Your Marriage

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Protecting your marriage is vitally important for the health and longevity of the relationship. This may seem like a no-brainer but you'd be surprised at how many Christian husbands and wives don't make this a priority in their lives.

Today, I (Annalea) am talking about social networks and how we need to guard ourselves and our marriages from something that seems really benign but can turn out to be a steel trap if we're not careful.

Also, if there's been infidelity in the marriage, internet porn or chatrooms, secret cel phones or email accounts then we must guard all the more. This is not for control, it's because marriage is a one flesh relationship, not his and hers. It's because when we got married amongst much pomp and circumstance it was to celebrate a woman being set apart for her husband and a man being set apart for his wife.

We're no longer single...no longer looking out for A #1.

Now we look out for and protect one another and our marriages.

It was kind of funny to me after I made the video that in talking about how important it is to present ourselves as one flesh ~ even on social network sites ~ I was making the video without Michael! So, I made sure to check in with him before I uploaded it here and that he was cool with everything. I even offered to remake it with him if he wanted me to. He was fine. His heart safely trusts me and our grass is greener because Michael tends to our yard throughout the day in a way that blesses us both.

All that to say please don't neglect the importance of safeguarding your marriage in this way. The enemy will walk in through any door that's open to him.

Especially the one's we forget to lock.

There IS Hope for Your Marriage!

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This past Sunday, Michael and I concluded our most recent Marriage Victory Intensive. How we wish we could fully express to you how amazing it was; the incredible breakthroughs that took place for each of the couples and the taste of renewed hope that God poured upon them as they left. We've tried to give you a feel in this weeks Testimony Tuesday video and below you'll find two testimonies from one of the couples who were with us this past weekend.

Our next Marriage Victory Intensive will be April 29 - May 2, 2010. You don't have to continue to live in pain or just survive or even just stay together in misery for the sake of the your children.

There IS Hope For Your Marriage! You CAN both be Outrageously Happy!

Michael & Annalea, thank you for being such willing vessels for the Lord's work. A month before we came, my husband started reading Kathy and Joel's books and I started seeing a change. I truly believe a miracle has taken place in my husband's heart. I have hope for the first time in our 8 years of marriage. Thank you for helping us restore our marriage. You will forever be a part of our lives! ~ Rhea

The Lord has used Michael & Annalea to save our marriage. I was blind but now I see...I have been faced with truth to expose the life of pain I have brought upon my beautiful wife. The truth has set me free to love my most precious possession (my wife) and God's baby girl in the way she has always longed for and has desired to receive from me. We love you guys and you were the hand of God to rescue me. ~ Greg

Marriage Intensive Happening This Weekend

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Tomorrow evening begins our next Marriage Victory Intensive. We have three couples coming for four days to learn how to restore their marriage and become Outrageously Happy with one another and in their marriage. We'd like to ask all of our readers to pray for each couple as well as for Michael and me as we speak into the lives of these precious people.

We know that God is the god of restoration, healing and wholeness and we know that were there is willingness and a teachable spirit, new and good fruit can be harvested.

And remember, if we can do it....They Can Do It Too and So Can You!

In Jesus Name!

Tomorrow Could Be Too Late

2010-02-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

We can't tell you how many wives we talk with who've known for months - years even - that their marriages were in serious jeopardy. Women who's husbands ignore them, degrade them, are in affairs, verbally and emotionally abuse them....the list goes on and these are marriages of believers.

Sadly, being a believer doesn't exempt us from these kinds of troubles but in a way, and in my opinion, they make them more....baffling because we should know better right?

One would think. Yet a divorce rate that equals - and at time surpasses - marriages of non-believers begs to be noticed. Thinking that the large elephant sitting in your living room (in fact, following you around wherever you go) can be ignored if you give it a wide enough berth each time you pass by will solve nothing.

It's time to start dealing with this now and we can help....we want to help! And you can begin to get some tonight by dialing into our weekly marriage ministry call at 7pm (pst); dial-in information is in the side bar.

Believe me, Michael and I have been there and experienced many of the same things you may have: abusive families or origin, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, drugs, alcohol, sexual addictions, fear of intimacy, passive/aggressive behavior, financial loss, divorce, death, blended family...

Okay?

You don't have to do this alone. We love you, we believe in you, we'll stand in the trenches with you because we know what it's like to feel alone and hopeless.