Welcome to my world. This morning I woke up before Michael did. I gave him a kiss and a hug and said to him, "You haven't made love to me in ages!" He gave a sleepy response in the affirmative. Then I asked, "Is it because I've been crabby lately and so you don't want to?" A pause followed by another yes.
So, I'm laying there trying not to feel hurt or get defensive. I know (that I know that I know) that I haven't been in the best of moods lately....probably, if I'm honest with myself, not in quite a while actually and I seriously have no idea as to why though I have some theories...I'll get to those in a minute. Suffice it to say that my response to Michael's answer to my question was to say, "Maybe if you made love to me more I wouldn't be so crabby," and then to slink out of the bed; I say slink because I know it was an immature response on my part even though there's some truth there (at least I think so).
My internal struggle here is to fight the urge to be pissed off and run away (emotionally) which I so want to do right now but the reality of living that out will only have detrimental effects on my relationship with Michael and both of our hearts. Ugh!
The answer to this equation is elusive to me and I've been avoiding it for a while. I suspect that Michael has too because he knows that I won't react well to it. Ahhh....the beauty of being married to a passive person (poor man).
So here are my theories as to why I've been so crabby lately:
1. I've stuffed my emotions for as long as I can remember; it's how I coped with my life and what was going on around me. It certainly didn't serve me as I grew but I continued on out of fear; fear that if I didn't do what someone wanted me to or be what someone wanted me to be then they would leave. I even experienced this in my bad days with Michael. Now, however, that Michael has become safe and is loving me the way Christ calls him to, everything that I've stuffed for years and years; all the hurt, pain and anger is bubbling up to the surface and leaking out in a steady stream.
2. Hormones! I definitely have all the symptoms of premenopause and believe you me, it's no cake walk. It completely sucks and, with all due respect, guys seriously have NO idea of what women go through in this: fatigue, irritability, cravings for sweets and carbs, weight gain, feeling depressed or overwhelmed, mood swings and irritability, headaches, low libido, joint pain, sleeplessness, fuzzy thinking, anxiety, dry skin, vaginal dryness, irregular periods. Those are just my symptoms. Think that would make you crabby? God! Men have it so easy when it comes to their bodies.
3. Michael knows that I prefer when he initiates sex and love making between us. And it's not that I never do, I just prefer when he does and when he doesn't for a bit I get edgy. Very edgy.
4. Even though Michael tells me everyday that I'm beautiful and I that he's attracted to me, I'm not comfortable with the way my body looks and so I don't feel attractive and the beginning stages of eating better and exercising completely SUCK! and definitely adds to my crabbiness.
"Somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate!" ~ Fairy Godmother
We (our ministry) tell husband's all the time, "If you don't like the way your wife is responding to you, take a moment and see how you're being with her. She will mirror back to you what you're showing her." While there's absolute truth in that, I also know that, for me, there's more here. Michael and I have been walking out our restoration for almost 4 years now and he's an amazing husband. So what gives?